P in the V (The P Edition)

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peen

So I’ve got this pal, let’s call him John, who loves to criticize me generally  and my blog more specifically. He particularly gets irritated by my overuse of the oxford comma, obvious spelling mistakes, and a lack of male perspective. This last point, the missing male gaze, is a valid one (actually, they are maybe all valid) and it came to light in particular when I wrote the post titled “P in the V” a couple months ago. Ol’ Johnny argued that for an essay specifically about hetero-style doin’ it, I largely ignored issues of the peen. True point. We tried to amend this concern through a collaborative blog post, both of us writing about the minor mishaps that may affect a cock during penetrative, P in the V sex.

The result was a mostly offensive back and forth, full of jokes that probably only he and I find funny and that would seriously alienate anyone else reading. After weeks of arguing and editing, the results were ultimately unpublishable.

But, John’s criticism stands. As a proud and fierce cunt-owner, I tend to get a little overly pussy-focused sometimes.

And so, here I bring you P in the V, The P Edition, where I present to you my years of qualitative research concerning peens and some shit that can come up when one is trying to consensually put one in a vajay. I may not have a dick, but I have handled a few in my time.

You accidentally put the P in the A:

So, sometimes when shit is getting real hot n’ heavy and there is a lot of thrusting and fluids and hands everywhere, a person can slip up and accidentally stick their dick (or almost stick it) in the wrong hole. It makes sense. Everything is so wet and happening so fast, and the V and and A are actually fairly close together, y’know?  And while anal sex can be one sweet fucking time, a surprise and accidental insertion such as that can hurt like wild.

The proper and polite thing to do should you find yourself in this problematic (but understandable!) position is as follows: Remove the P from the A. Apologize profusely. Explain that it was a mistake, and that while you may be interested in anal banging sometime (if that is, in fact, an interest you have), you know that this is an issue that ya’ll should discuss before you just stick it in there. Should the Total Mega Babe in question still feel like doing it, change condoms (buttholes have bacteria in them that should not get in the vajay) and continue with P in the V, carefully.

The P is too big for the V ( & vice versa ):

The point that I am trying to make here is that V’s and P’s come in all shapes n‘ sizes.
For instance, you may find yourself with a babe who’s V is not wide enough for your girthy P. But rest assured, pussies have the potential to expand to remarkable sizes. I mean think about it, whole entire human beings can come out of that hole! What you need is time, lube, and patience. If someone is turned on, the vaginal muscles can more easily stretch, so in this situation, focus on the foreplay and that whole very important clit part. And adding lube is always a good idea, but here it’s a fucking brilliant one. If her vagina is just too small for ya’ll, lube will make any potential painful thrusting a whole lot smoother. And of course – thrust slow! Your aim is to make her feel good, not bad! Lastly, if you do have a V and your partner is much wider than you, you can always use a dilator (a set of cylinders graduating in size) to expand your vagina and get your vaginal muscles more accustomed to penetration on your own terms.

If you find yourself in the reverse situation of this one, and you are with someone whose V is wider than your P, the V owner in question can always do some kegel exercises so that the muscles inside the vagina can more effectively contract. The pubococcygeus muscles (or PC muscles) are the muscles of the pelvic floor which hold all your reproductive system in place. When a person orgasms, these muscles  contract. So, having stronger PC muscles is a good thing, because it makes your orgasms feel stronger, and  can make your vaginal muscles contract more tightly around a peen (thereby addressing the problem of a too-wide V). To exercise these muscles, you can use Ben Wa (or Kegel) Balls. Kegel Balls are meant to be inserted inside the vagina, giving your body something to contract around. Put ’em in for roughly 20 minutes a day and squeeze around ’em, to strengthen your biznezz. Or, if you can isolate the PC muscles on your own, without using a set of exercise balls to help you, you can do that too. Here’s a hint: to find your PC muscles, try stemming the flow of urine while you’re on the can. Can you do it? That is your PC muscles at work. Now that you know where they are, try contracting them in sets of ten, three times a day.

The P Won’t Come!:

In his helpful response, my buddy John attributed this conundrum to the crushing of cans. And the man has got a point: drinking vast quantities of alcohol, as we often do, can really slow that shit down. In this situation, when you are just too drunk to come, you really only have one of two options. Number one: you and your friend can engage in some seriously drunken and consensual revalery, going to unmatchable feats and finding never-been-done-before  positions in an attempt to help you get off. Or, number two: you can accept defeat, have some fun without coming, and then roll over and grab some shut eye in preparation for tomorrow’s inevitable hang over.

But, if you are having a hard time coming and it is not in fact related to how much gooning you’ve been doing, you could be experiencing delayed ejaculation. Some can come by their own hand like it ain’t no thang, but then they find themselves with a lover (or two, or four) and they get stage fright, like when you were a kid and couldn’t piss in public bathrooms. Delayed ejaculation has been linked to many potential causal factors, both emotional/psychological and physiological. Unfortunately, there is no one right answer or “cure” to make ya come, so you may need to talk to a doc if this is really cramping your style.

The P Won’t Get Hard!

Here again John brought up whisky dick and the consumption of too much chach as causal factors if you find yourself with a P that won’t get hard. And again, man’s got a point. The consumption of alcohol can really fuck with your sexy shit, and make your leaky house lazy, your schnitzel shy, or your flesh flute fallow. If this is the situation, what you gotta do is much like my advice offered above. You can either a) engage in some heavy cardio activity trying to get yer Little (or Big, whatever) Guy up and at it; or b) accept that your dick is just not in it and take this as a perfect opportunity to use your hands to get your buddy off.

However, there are a also a whole lot of other potential reasons for this particular predicament, such as spinal cord injury, aging, nerves, diabetes, anxiety, and medications, to name only a few. Sometimes, this issue will right itself with time. Other times, doctors can prescribe medications that alleviate the problem. And  of course, there are always toys that can be used to help a P get hard and stay hard, such as penis pumps (draw blood to the peen, making it erect), and cock rings (worn around the shaft of the penis to stem blood flow out, forcing the peen to stay erect).

There are really so many other junk-related jams I could have tried to de-bunk here. Just like V’s, P’s can have a whole bundle of hang ups and hold ups and straight up screw ups. But ultimately, at the end of most days, doin’ it is a pretty good time, and is quite often worth risking any and all embarrassing moments for.

P in the V

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If you have been reading diligently, you may remember that I don’t really consider sex to mean the ol’ traditional P in the V manouveur. Sex can be that, for sure, but it can also be F in the V, P in the B, V on the TH, M on the A, H on the S, and any number of pleasurable and clever acronyms. What I mean is: sex can be whatever, and does not necessarily involve putting a penis in a vagina. It doesn’t even necessarily mean penetration.

However, I do field a lot of questions at work about P in the V type sex. This is probably because many awkward and potentially life altering things can and do arise when a vajay is penetrated by a semen-producing bologna pony. This type of sex can mean multiple orgasms, but it can also mean multiple bladder infections.
So, for the benefit of public interest and safety, and in the hope of alleviating some shame and concerns, I thought I would try and issue some advice and dispel some myths, here & now.
Let’s thrust right into it.

Pussy Farts leavin’ the V: Something that can happen when you’re having penetrative sex is….pussy farts. It’s true. I know it is kind of a disgusting word coupling and a bit of a socially awkward topic of conversation, but it is also a very common experience. It is so common that I wonder why we still talk about it with red cheeks and hushed voices. Pussy farts, or queefs, or varts, are as naturally occurring as hiccups. What happens is this: as the vagina is penetrated air is pushed inside. The air then gets trapped inside the body, because the dick or the hand or the whatever is plugging it in there. As thrusting happens, as “the plug” pulls in and out, the air is released, making a cute little (or sometimes big) fart sound. There is nothing I can really tell you to avoid this happening. You can’t really fuck in some magical way that eliminates this issue. The only resolution is realizing it’s hilarious, and not even worrying about it for a second. For reals. I’m sure you and whomever you’re fucking have heard the sound before, and will hear it again, and you shouldn’t let it inhibit your good time.

Pre-Cum…uh, coming into the V: Pre-cum is so called because it comes out real quick. Ya’ll are just getting going, and bam, a clear, viscous liquid is oozing on out. This is pre-cum, and though it looks a lot like semen, it is chemically different. Often people ask if they can get preggers from pre-cum. Because that shit zips out so quick n’ easy, it is always finding it’s way into problematic places. Well, the answer is still sort of up for debate. Studies show pre-cum does not necessarily have sperm in it, in fact it usually doesn’t. However, if a penis has ejaculated recently there could still be sperm hanging out in the urethra, at which point it could mix in with the pre-cum and exit the body. So, it could maybe knock you up, and if that’s not what you’re looking for then you want to avoid getting this inside of you. And, not only can pre-cum maybe have sperm in it, but it can also contain STIs, such as HIV, gonorrhea, or chlamydia. So, unless you know the status of your partner(s), and if you don’t feel like gettin’ a baby, pre-cum is not something you want in the V.

Broken Condoms getting stuck in the V: Condoms are a great way to avoid getting the aforementioned pre-cum in your vag. However, condoms can sometimes break. This may happen if the condom does not fit properly; was not put on correctly; if it was old or had been weakened by exposure to heat, oil, the sun or other chemicals; or  if there was a lot of friction without much lubrication. If this happens and part of the rubber remains in ya, just reach in and pull it on out. The vagina is a closed cavern, so things can’t get too lost up there. The more problematic part of this situation is that you may have ejaculate in your vagina. This can put you at risk to contracting STIs, and so you should go to your doctor or nearest sexual health clinic and ask for a pap smear and an STI test. (Remember that some STIs can have a 3 to 6 month incubation period, so you might want to go back and get checked out again later.) This can also put you at risk of getting pregnant, and so again, if this is not what you want, you should go to the nearest pharmacy and pick up Plan B, aka The Morning-After-Pill.

UTI’s/Bladder Infections messing up the V: Something else that is about as common as the ol’ aforementioned vart is the bladder infection-induced-by-sex. It is such a fucking bummer. All ya wanna do is bask in that  “I just had great sex!” high, but instead your spending all your time having frequent burning, pees. This is because when you have penetrative sex all the thrusting pushes bacteria that lives in and around your vagina and rectum up into your urethra. There are some things you can do to try and prevent this. Washing your junk before and after sex can help eliminate the possibility of contraction. And sometimes trying different positions can be helpful too. Other helpful daily tips are drinking a lot of water or cranberry juice. Drinking lots of water flushes out your system, and cranberry juice stops some bacteria from living in your bladder. But, if it’s too late and you’re right in the thick of an infection, you may have to drop in on the doc and get anti-biotics.

There is a whole lot more I could say here. A whack of shit, both bad and good, can arise when it comes to your bits. And of course, this has been a pretty cunt heavy advice section, but cocks have their own issues too. There is not getting it up, breaking it, coming too quick, and coming too slow, to name a few. Sex is an endless topic, and I’m not really an expert. If you’re having more P in the V related conundrums, check out the Halifax Sexual Health Centre, or your own local equivalent.