Slurrin’ Smut From Yer Word Hole (“Hanging on the Telephone”)


Sounds enticing, right??
There’s nothing like using the word “slur” and replacing an “ou” with a single “e” to turn a person on. My nipples could cut ice. I need to change my underwear.

But seriously, in response to my column in the NSCAD student paper CRIT, I received a question re. this very thing : how do we talk dirty to our lovers far away? How do we keep up some kind of erotic dialogue with the person we love (our maybe just the person we’re banging) when we see ‘em on a bi-annual basis? And how do we do this without it all feeling awkward and contrived, without stiffly knocking out our words and feigning orgasm, ultimately feeling lonely and deprived?

It’s a good question. And my first piece of advice is to not refer to your mouth as a “word hole”.

But perhaps before I really issue advice, I’ll try and identify the problem. Why is it that stripping for someone on Skype, for example, can feel so fucking awkward? Well, as is always true, there are a myriad of reasons and explanations, all valid. One thing that I think is a big part of it, though I may be wrong, is that sex in general can be kind of awkward. Even for the sexiest of us, there can be moments when you don’t feel completely at home in your body, or entirely self certain. These periods of self-doubt are typically much easier to overcome when we have a person physically beside us, touching us, and telling us how much we turn them on. And so, when your lover is not in fact proximal, you gotta do a whole lot more work to get to that sexy place. You have to use your imagination to sexualize your body, you have to use your will power to forget all of your doubts and distractions, and you have to use your own damn hands to touch yourself. And of course, this is an entirely different act than actually having physical sex with your partner. So cut yourself some slack: even if you and your pal can achieve simultaneous orgasms in record time when you’re together, doin’ it when you’re apart adds a whole lot of new obstacles to the equation.

And so, it follows that my second bit of advice is doing something for yourself that is exclusively about remembering that you are one hot human. Do something on your own terms, on your own time, to get you in the mood. Watch some porn, maybe. Or read some really good erotica. Or even better, write your own personal porn, articulating your dirty dreams on paper (either exclusively for your eyes, or to share if you want to). Ultimately, get yourself off. Be a sexual being. I think that it can be way easier and smoother to be sexual with someone else once you’ve already gotten yourself halfway there.

And then when you’re feeling all hot n’ heavy and you wanna get down with your far-away friend, there is an array of technological advances to help ya’ll out. In today’s world, we don’t have to rely on carrier pigeons to get our hand-written filthy fantasies to lovers on the other side of the continent. So, let’s use and abuse what we have right at our fingertips. Lemme review for you. We’ve got:

Text messaging (aka Sexting):

This is the fucking best thing ever, in my personal opinion. Sending a dirty text is the least nerve-wracking strategy. You don’t have to try and make your voice sound all sultry. All you gotta do is slam some sex out with your thumb and hit SEND. One idea is sending sexts when you know your lover is with a group of people. Say, for example, they are at a party. All you gotta do is write “You know what I would do if I was at that party with you?”. That’s Sext 1.
Sext 2 is: “Well, I’d take you into the bathroom and push you against the wall.”
Sext 3: “Then I would…(insert fantasy here)”.
Proceed with multiple sexts, detailing what you want to be doing to their hot bod. Their cell phone will be vibrating against their ass cheek all night, and no one will know what’s up but you and them. It’s like your own dirty little secret, out in public. (And of course, all these words could be accompanied by pictures if, unlike myself, you happen to have a cell phone that wasn’t made in 1998.)


This is a lot like using your thumb and your phone, but your using your fingers and your keyboard. And here you can say a lot more, with more time to think about just how to say it. You could send an exclusively dirty email, an erotic story you wrote just for them. Or if that sounds slightly exposing, you could always just slip a little sexy sentence in the middle. Sandwich some smut in between the details of your day. Something like:

“The weather was shit here today. Rain, as always. It reminded me of that time we drove out to the lake only for the thunder to start. Remember? We were too afraid to swim, so instead I pulled you into the bushes, and we fucked right there in the mud and fallen leaves? I liked that time. But, here, today, it’s raining and I’m still working on that project and blah blah blah”.

See what I mean? Just a little something to get the ball rolling.

Phone Sex:

Now, everyone is different, but personally I find verbal sex follows more smoothly after already having had a non-verbal exchange. Saying things aloud to one another can be difficult due to the immediacy of it all. If you’ve already established some sort of rapport via email, then this can make that concern a little easier; it can give you sort of a reference point. Rather than trying to create a present tense scene that can feel clunky (“Now, I am touching myself…”), you can reference something that you’ve already written to one another. For instance: “When you wrote that you missed my cock it made me hard. It made me want to…”. Sometimes talking about what you once did or what you will someday do can work to get you all turned on in the present, and then talking about being wet or hard or touching yourself can feel more…fluid, if y’know what I mean.


To tell you the honest truth, I find Skype difficult. I get distracted by the part in my hair and the shape of my shoulders. So I enlisted the expertise of some pals for advice here. And they said this:

Skype sex is fun because it can break the ice. You can be honest and giggle and recognize both the silliness and the sexiness of the situation. Or, on the other hand, it can normalize it. You can turn the camera on and just hang out together and then kind of tumble into sex as you change for work, or get ready for bed, or whatever. It can make it feel like a natural progression is occurring, rather than a stilted conversation. And then, on the other hand still, it can make the situation way more sexy than a simple phone call or text message. You can get dolled up for each other, play music, have a drink first, dance. And, practically speaking, Skpe is fun for this because it allows you to tease your lover, only letting them see parts of you at certain times. A tip: practice your lighting and angles before hand, so you know how you’re looking and you don’t actually shoot ‘em a confusing ball sack close up or something. I mean, unless that’s what you’re into.

This has been long-winded.
And so perhaps I should some it all up by saying this: Ease into it. Don’t worry to much about getting off, or getting your partner off. As time passes, this should all get easier n’ easier n’ easier, ‘til you’re coming at the very sound of Skype, at the very feel of your cell phone vibrations. Practice will make perfect.


Let’s Get Intimate


Recently, a friend asked me how to talk dirty.
He was worried he was doing it wrong.
Apparently his lines “I want to be intimate with you”, and “Come away with me” had not effectively inspired lust and wet pussy.

Now, I am not much of a dirty talkin’ expert. I find sex so distracting that anything that comes out of my mouth ends up sounding incomprehensible. Some of the noises I’ve made have legitimately been mistaken for those of a trapped raccoon…which might actually be even less erotic than using the word “intimate” during sex. So, maybe my friend and I both need some help here.

But, because I have this blog & this job at a sex shop, I think I may have enough general sex knowledge to hazard some educated pointers on slurrin’ sex talk outta yer hot little word hole.

So, to begin:

I think talking dirty is difficult because it can be hard to take yourself seriously enough to say “I want to ride your cock and make you mine.” It’s hard to imagine yourself as sexy or wild enough to say those kinds of things sometimes, because maybe you are actually just feeling tired, or silly or nervous. Or maybe you are worried that the person you’re fucking won’t be into it. Or maybe the situation just isn’t that hot and you don’t feel like growling into someone’s ear that you’re going to pin them down, crawl on top of them, and sit on their face. Maybe the situation is more goofy, and you just want to giggle together and not talk smut, which is pretty fun too. Or maybe it’s more romantic and you just want to look into someone’s eyes and not say anything at all, which is another totally valid way of doin’ it.

But, despite being scary, talking dirty can be fun because it allows you control. To say what you want to do to someone and/or what you want them to do to you is a really brave and powerful move to make. It shows that you know what you want. It shows that you aren’t afraid to say it. It shows that you have the self-confidence to ask for it and know that you deserve it. And, it’s a major fucking turn on!

So, if you have been finding yourself in spaces n’ places n’ hot situa-tions where you wanna ooze filthy fuck words into someone’s ear, and you’re pretty sure that person wants you to (i.e you are already involved with this person in some sexy way, and it isn’t just a hot stranger on the street), here are some how-to’s to keep stored away on the tip of your tongue.

1. Take yourself seriously. You may know that you are nervous and silly and unsure, but your lover doesn’t necessarily know that. Fake it ’til ya make is some of the best sex advice I have ever been given. Don’t imagine yourself as too shy, or too sweet or too funny to say dirty things. You are about to have sex! Sex is hot & so are you! You can say hot things about it! And the more you say, the easier it’ll get.

2. Give orders. This is a great thing to do because a) being told what to do is so sexy, and b) it allows you to take total control of the situation. If you are feeling really nervous and unsure about what to do or how to touch someone, you can say something like “I want you to undo my pants, push me down against the floor, and ride me, hard.” Saying that removes from you the responsibility of figuring out what to do with their body, and lets them know that you’re really into them. Or, you can say something like “I want to make you come all over my tits, and I want you to tell me exactly how to do it.” That way, you can let them know you want to get ’em off, and can be told exactly how to do it without revealing your uncertainty.

3. Try out some of the following words. As I mentioned, I tend to stick to weird animal noises, but I do know some really, really babely people, and I questioned each of them about their preferred bedroom vernacular. The results:  cunt, pussy, wet, hot, hole, fuck, own, ride, cock, suck, mouth, slip, push, hard, swollen, more, dick, fingers, fist, ass, tits, teeth, lips, tongue, sweat, bite, eat, taste, smooth, come, fast, control, wild, now, sweet.

4. Write it in a letter. “Write it in a letter” is just the more romantic way of saying sext that shit. (“Sexting” is such an annoying word.) Really, what I am trying to say is that trying to say things can be difficult. Jammin’ ’em out with yer thumbs on yer phone can be a whole lot easier. Or, breezing things outta your fingertips, onto your screen, and sending them in an email can be way less intimidating. Starting out less personally, by using phones, or emails or even pen & paper, is totally valid and will perhaps inspire more talk later, when you and your lover(s) are both more comfortable.

5. And finally, gauge their response. The great thing about talking is that generally, once you start talking someone will talk back to you. Basic rule of communication, right? So, say something dirty. Start out slow n’ easy and see how they respond. Are they excited? Do they give you directions, or follow your directions or speak smutty back? Work with what they give you, pay attention to their response and hopefully your foray into independent amatory articulations will result in an erotic exchange.

And, if you still need a lil’ bit of inspiration, check out these incredible lyrics from the most rad, most glam, best queer-core band Eekum Seekum and their song “Hand Pies”:

“bodies that come, bodies that gush
when they’re fucked so good
in the ass or in the cunt
in the back, in the front
when they rub + they hump
when they moan + they grunt
talk to me sweet thing
come on tell me what you want!

sit on my face & rock your hips
I want it all against my lips
drag your nails hard down my back
& put my hands under your ass

limp wrists, raised fists
fuck queer to resist
limp wrists, raised fists
queer bodies resist”