“Hot Tips For Fucking Girls”


candy hearts

As I’ve mentioned, one of the best things about having a blog is that you can see what search terms people use to find you. As you can imagine, with a blog titled thefuckingfacts.com, I am privy to what are probably the most pervy Google searches out there.
Lately, a reoccurring theme has become apparent. I’ve studied the patterns and the outcome is this: people really want to know “how to fuck girls”. It seems like all of you have asked Google some variation of this question in the last 30 days. Maybe it’s Lena Dunham’s influence; Girls’ sex scenes can make fucking look awkward as shit and pretty damn confusing. Which, from my personal experience, I would say it often is. I’ve never done it in a construction tube, a-la-Tiny-Furniture, but I have found myself in a fair share of compromising and confounding situations.
Anyway, the point is: as a girl*, this question warms my heart. I love sex. I love it best when the person/people I am doing it with know what they are doing. And really, the only way to know what you are doing is to ask.
To all the earnest, brilliant, thoughtful people brave enough to confess that they do not inherently know how to fuck (who does?), who as a result are probably the very best of lovers (communication is key!), I applaud you. Good job. As a result, I will try my very best to use my woman-powers for the greater good. And so, to answer your question, here are:

 Three Hot Tips For Fucking Girls

Tip 1: Avoid using the word ‘girl’, unless you know they are into it.

Here’s the thing. I am a straight up cis-girl. I was born with female parts, I love my tits and my clit and all those things, and I talk about my menstrual cycle as often as my brother talks about his illogical devotion to The Toronto Maple Leafs (which is to say a lot). And still, I don’t love it when the person I am fucking calls me a girl. When I am watching music vids and curling my hair with my girl pals, then I am a girl, reveling in all the pop-music, bubble-gum ideas of girlhood. But, if you wanna stick your dick or your fingers or whatever in my cunt, then you better call me a fucking woman! I am an adult, with agency, and control and a hot, woman bod, with curves and fat and all the nice things that make me a total womz. I am not “girl”, or “your girl”, or “baby girl”.

My roomie & I, being girls.

My roomie & I, being straight up girlzzz.

But that is just me. This rule may not apply to all people, just like almost every single rule that ever was, really. Some girls LOVE being called girl, and that is cool too. Nothing is hard n’ fast, but maybe  just ask your pal what word they prefer before you start pet-naming them anything at all.

Pluuuusss, the word girl is pretty gendered. Maybe you know the person you are fucking is, much like myself, a woman born with female anatomy who feels comfortable in that identity. But, not everyone is. Some people identify as trans or gender queer. They may have female or male anatomy, but may not identify with the societal category of girl or boy/woman or man. They may not call their bits their penis or their vagina, they may not want to be called he or she, and they may not conform to the traditional and restrictive gender binary. To use gendered language can be hurtful and cis-sexist. To learn more about trans identities, go here. To learn more about some aspects of trans culture, go here or here.

Tip 2: Don’t Assume A Thing, or, Consent Is Hot As Shit

So listen, the truth is, I can’t really tell you “how to fuck a girl”. I could tell you how to fuck me, and I am a girl, but that is not really the same thing.
The snowflake metaphor is always applicable. No two people are alike, and no two people like the same thing. Some girls like having their nipples sucked; some like having their hair pulled; some girls like having their back rubbed; some like missionary; some like it standing up; some girls only want to do it on Fridays; some girls only want to do it with their socks on. Some girls call “sex” penetration. Some girls call “sex” oral. Some girls call “sex” something you have never even imagined before.
What woman want, counter to what that shitty Mel Gibson movie from the 90’s may have taught us, is pretty fucking diverse. As is the definition of sex. Considering all the many variables at play here, answering the question of how to fuck a girl is pretty much impossible. So, I can’t tell you how to please your female friend. But, I bet she can. And so, my advice is to ask her, not Google.

Ask her if she likes her clit to be touched, and how. Ask her if she likes her neck to be kissed. Ask her if she likes penetration. Ask her what she would like to do, how she would like to do it, when she wants to do it, and where.

This kills two birds with one stone (or feeds two birds with one scone, if you find bird-killing metaphors offensive). It teaches you how to be the best fucking lover you can be, because you are listening to your partner’s desires. And, it ensures that you are engaging in sexy times that are totally consensual. Consent is pretty much the hottest thing ever. In this weird, sex-negative world we live in, it can be pretty hard for a person to figure out what they want to do in bed. Practicing good consent, by asking your pal what they want to do/if they like what ya’ll are doing/if they are comfortable, helps both you and your sex-friend ensure you are doing things that you both really, definitely, want to be doing. To learn more about consent, read this awesome article.

Oh, and if you think all this asking business sounds clunky and awkward, don’t worry, it isn’t. Just try it. It could feel weird at first, but practice, throw in some dirty words, and you’ll be asking all the best questions and communicating like a champ in a matter of minutes. Here are some practice sentences you can try at home: “Baby, I want to suck your cock. Do you want that?”; or,  “Does this feel good?/Was that good?”; or,  “You have the most hot fucking bod I have ever seen. Can I touch it in all the places you like best?”.

Thing 3: The Clit Might Be A Safe Bet/Foreplay Is Generally Appreciated

Again, to be doubley clear, I can’t tell you what women want. Some want it fast, some want it slow, some want it rough, some want it soft, some want to top, and some want to bottom. But, I felt like if I didn’t provide at least one practical tip, brains may just explode with my annoyingly theoretical musings and my insistance that there are no right answers, ever. So, a practical tip: it is often true that girls, or women, or anyone at all really, like a bit of foreplay. Rushing into things can sometimes be a good time. A lunch-break quickie, a before-the-kids-get-home get off, a middle of the night fastie (I made that word up) – they can be hella fun. But, often, a bit of warming up goes a long way.

So, if penetrative sex is the end goal for you and your sex-friend, try warming things up before moving on into insertion. Foreplay is great for a few reasons. It gets blood flowing, making genitals erect. It gets the juices…juicing, making genitals wet and making penetration much more slick n’ slippery n’ fun. And it gets the brain in the right position, helping one forget the details of their day and get into the moment.

Foreplay can include some of the following fun things: give the ears and neck some amorous attention with your lips/mouth/teeth; talk dirty!; sweetly stimulate them nipples with fingers, mouths, or even clamps if all parties are down with that; focus on the clit with your fingers or your mouth; REALLY FOCUS ON THE CLIT; and then focus on the clit some more. If both parties have consented, foreplay could also include things like: spanking, bondage, blindfolds, and sex toys! Really, the options are endless, and I encourage ya’ll to experiment with the wealth of fun things bodies can do together before penetration happens.

Oral is a great way to warm up.

Oral is a great way to warm up.

So, them’s the tips.
To sum it all up: the best way to know how to fuck anyone at all in the way that they want, is to ask ’em.
But, I do hope some of the above provides some good initial guidance.


*I prefer tough-as-fuck woman, but whatever. I’ll go with girl in this instance to conform to internet vernacular.

P in the V (The P Edition)



So I’ve got this pal, let’s call him John, who loves to criticize me generally  and my blog more specifically. He particularly gets irritated by my overuse of the oxford comma, obvious spelling mistakes, and a lack of male perspective. This last point, the missing male gaze, is a valid one (actually, they are maybe all valid) and it came to light in particular when I wrote the post titled “P in the V” a couple months ago. Ol’ Johnny argued that for an essay specifically about hetero-style doin’ it, I largely ignored issues of the peen. True point. We tried to amend this concern through a collaborative blog post, both of us writing about the minor mishaps that may affect a cock during penetrative, P in the V sex.

The result was a mostly offensive back and forth, full of jokes that probably only he and I find funny and that would seriously alienate anyone else reading. After weeks of arguing and editing, the results were ultimately unpublishable.

But, John’s criticism stands. As a proud and fierce cunt-owner, I tend to get a little overly pussy-focused sometimes.

And so, here I bring you P in the V, The P Edition, where I present to you my years of qualitative research concerning peens and some shit that can come up when one is trying to consensually put one in a vajay. I may not have a dick, but I have handled a few in my time.

You accidentally put the P in the A:

So, sometimes when shit is getting real hot n’ heavy and there is a lot of thrusting and fluids and hands everywhere, a person can slip up and accidentally stick their dick (or almost stick it) in the wrong hole. It makes sense. Everything is so wet and happening so fast, and the V and and A are actually fairly close together, y’know?  And while anal sex can be one sweet fucking time, a surprise and accidental insertion such as that can hurt like wild.

The proper and polite thing to do should you find yourself in this problematic (but understandable!) position is as follows: Remove the P from the A. Apologize profusely. Explain that it was a mistake, and that while you may be interested in anal banging sometime (if that is, in fact, an interest you have), you know that this is an issue that ya’ll should discuss before you just stick it in there. Should the Total Mega Babe in question still feel like doing it, change condoms (buttholes have bacteria in them that should not get in the vajay) and continue with P in the V, carefully.

The P is too big for the V ( & vice versa ):

The point that I am trying to make here is that V’s and P’s come in all shapes n‘ sizes.
For instance, you may find yourself with a babe who’s V is not wide enough for your girthy P. But rest assured, pussies have the potential to expand to remarkable sizes. I mean think about it, whole entire human beings can come out of that hole! What you need is time, lube, and patience. If someone is turned on, the vaginal muscles can more easily stretch, so in this situation, focus on the foreplay and that whole very important clit part. And adding lube is always a good idea, but here it’s a fucking brilliant one. If her vagina is just too small for ya’ll, lube will make any potential painful thrusting a whole lot smoother. And of course – thrust slow! Your aim is to make her feel good, not bad! Lastly, if you do have a V and your partner is much wider than you, you can always use a dilator (a set of cylinders graduating in size) to expand your vagina and get your vaginal muscles more accustomed to penetration on your own terms.

If you find yourself in the reverse situation of this one, and you are with someone whose V is wider than your P, the V owner in question can always do some kegel exercises so that the muscles inside the vagina can more effectively contract. The pubococcygeus muscles (or PC muscles) are the muscles of the pelvic floor which hold all your reproductive system in place. When a person orgasms, these muscles  contract. So, having stronger PC muscles is a good thing, because it makes your orgasms feel stronger, and  can make your vaginal muscles contract more tightly around a peen (thereby addressing the problem of a too-wide V). To exercise these muscles, you can use Ben Wa (or Kegel) Balls. Kegel Balls are meant to be inserted inside the vagina, giving your body something to contract around. Put ’em in for roughly 20 minutes a day and squeeze around ’em, to strengthen your biznezz. Or, if you can isolate the PC muscles on your own, without using a set of exercise balls to help you, you can do that too. Here’s a hint: to find your PC muscles, try stemming the flow of urine while you’re on the can. Can you do it? That is your PC muscles at work. Now that you know where they are, try contracting them in sets of ten, three times a day.

The P Won’t Come!:

In his helpful response, my buddy John attributed this conundrum to the crushing of cans. And the man has got a point: drinking vast quantities of alcohol, as we often do, can really slow that shit down. In this situation, when you are just too drunk to come, you really only have one of two options. Number one: you and your friend can engage in some seriously drunken and consensual revalery, going to unmatchable feats and finding never-been-done-before  positions in an attempt to help you get off. Or, number two: you can accept defeat, have some fun without coming, and then roll over and grab some shut eye in preparation for tomorrow’s inevitable hang over.

But, if you are having a hard time coming and it is not in fact related to how much gooning you’ve been doing, you could be experiencing delayed ejaculation. Some can come by their own hand like it ain’t no thang, but then they find themselves with a lover (or two, or four) and they get stage fright, like when you were a kid and couldn’t piss in public bathrooms. Delayed ejaculation has been linked to many potential causal factors, both emotional/psychological and physiological. Unfortunately, there is no one right answer or “cure” to make ya come, so you may need to talk to a doc if this is really cramping your style.

The P Won’t Get Hard!

Here again John brought up whisky dick and the consumption of too much chach as causal factors if you find yourself with a P that won’t get hard. And again, man’s got a point. The consumption of alcohol can really fuck with your sexy shit, and make your leaky house lazy, your schnitzel shy, or your flesh flute fallow. If this is the situation, what you gotta do is much like my advice offered above. You can either a) engage in some heavy cardio activity trying to get yer Little (or Big, whatever) Guy up and at it; or b) accept that your dick is just not in it and take this as a perfect opportunity to use your hands to get your buddy off.

However, there are a also a whole lot of other potential reasons for this particular predicament, such as spinal cord injury, aging, nerves, diabetes, anxiety, and medications, to name only a few. Sometimes, this issue will right itself with time. Other times, doctors can prescribe medications that alleviate the problem. And  of course, there are always toys that can be used to help a P get hard and stay hard, such as penis pumps (draw blood to the peen, making it erect), and cock rings (worn around the shaft of the penis to stem blood flow out, forcing the peen to stay erect).

There are really so many other junk-related jams I could have tried to de-bunk here. Just like V’s, P’s can have a whole bundle of hang ups and hold ups and straight up screw ups. But ultimately, at the end of most days, doin’ it is a pretty good time, and is quite often worth risking any and all embarrassing moments for.

P in the V


If you have been reading diligently, you may remember that I don’t really consider sex to mean the ol’ traditional P in the V manouveur. Sex can be that, for sure, but it can also be F in the V, P in the B, V on the TH, M on the A, H on the S, and any number of pleasurable and clever acronyms. What I mean is: sex can be whatever, and does not necessarily involve putting a penis in a vagina. It doesn’t even necessarily mean penetration.

However, I do field a lot of questions at work about P in the V type sex. This is probably because many awkward and potentially life altering things can and do arise when a vajay is penetrated by a semen-producing bologna pony. This type of sex can mean multiple orgasms, but it can also mean multiple bladder infections.
So, for the benefit of public interest and safety, and in the hope of alleviating some shame and concerns, I thought I would try and issue some advice and dispel some myths, here & now.
Let’s thrust right into it.

Pussy Farts leavin’ the V: Something that can happen when you’re having penetrative sex is….pussy farts. It’s true. I know it is kind of a disgusting word coupling and a bit of a socially awkward topic of conversation, but it is also a very common experience. It is so common that I wonder why we still talk about it with red cheeks and hushed voices. Pussy farts, or queefs, or varts, are as naturally occurring as hiccups. What happens is this: as the vagina is penetrated air is pushed inside. The air then gets trapped inside the body, because the dick or the hand or the whatever is plugging it in there. As thrusting happens, as “the plug” pulls in and out, the air is released, making a cute little (or sometimes big) fart sound. There is nothing I can really tell you to avoid this happening. You can’t really fuck in some magical way that eliminates this issue. The only resolution is realizing it’s hilarious, and not even worrying about it for a second. For reals. I’m sure you and whomever you’re fucking have heard the sound before, and will hear it again, and you shouldn’t let it inhibit your good time.

Pre-Cum…uh, coming into the V: Pre-cum is so called because it comes out real quick. Ya’ll are just getting going, and bam, a clear, viscous liquid is oozing on out. This is pre-cum, and though it looks a lot like semen, it is chemically different. Often people ask if they can get preggers from pre-cum. Because that shit zips out so quick n’ easy, it is always finding it’s way into problematic places. Well, the answer is still sort of up for debate. Studies show pre-cum does not necessarily have sperm in it, in fact it usually doesn’t. However, if a penis has ejaculated recently there could still be sperm hanging out in the urethra, at which point it could mix in with the pre-cum and exit the body. So, it could maybe knock you up, and if that’s not what you’re looking for then you want to avoid getting this inside of you. And, not only can pre-cum maybe have sperm in it, but it can also contain STIs, such as HIV, gonorrhea, or chlamydia. So, unless you know the status of your partner(s), and if you don’t feel like gettin’ a baby, pre-cum is not something you want in the V.

Broken Condoms getting stuck in the V: Condoms are a great way to avoid getting the aforementioned pre-cum in your vag. However, condoms can sometimes break. This may happen if the condom does not fit properly; was not put on correctly; if it was old or had been weakened by exposure to heat, oil, the sun or other chemicals; or  if there was a lot of friction without much lubrication. If this happens and part of the rubber remains in ya, just reach in and pull it on out. The vagina is a closed cavern, so things can’t get too lost up there. The more problematic part of this situation is that you may have ejaculate in your vagina. This can put you at risk to contracting STIs, and so you should go to your doctor or nearest sexual health clinic and ask for a pap smear and an STI test. (Remember that some STIs can have a 3 to 6 month incubation period, so you might want to go back and get checked out again later.) This can also put you at risk of getting pregnant, and so again, if this is not what you want, you should go to the nearest pharmacy and pick up Plan B, aka The Morning-After-Pill.

UTI’s/Bladder Infections messing up the V: Something else that is about as common as the ol’ aforementioned vart is the bladder infection-induced-by-sex. It is such a fucking bummer. All ya wanna do is bask in that  “I just had great sex!” high, but instead your spending all your time having frequent burning, pees. This is because when you have penetrative sex all the thrusting pushes bacteria that lives in and around your vagina and rectum up into your urethra. There are some things you can do to try and prevent this. Washing your junk before and after sex can help eliminate the possibility of contraction. And sometimes trying different positions can be helpful too. Other helpful daily tips are drinking a lot of water or cranberry juice. Drinking lots of water flushes out your system, and cranberry juice stops some bacteria from living in your bladder. But, if it’s too late and you’re right in the thick of an infection, you may have to drop in on the doc and get anti-biotics.

There is a whole lot more I could say here. A whack of shit, both bad and good, can arise when it comes to your bits. And of course, this has been a pretty cunt heavy advice section, but cocks have their own issues too. There is not getting it up, breaking it, coming too quick, and coming too slow, to name a few. Sex is an endless topic, and I’m not really an expert. If you’re having more P in the V related conundrums, check out the Halifax Sexual Health Centre, or your own local equivalent.

Fucking: A Working Definition


“Did you do it?”
“Did you fuck?”

I have been asked, and asked, some variation of this question so many times.
It always comes up.
We go to parties and we end up going home with others.
We stay out all night and find ourselves walking down strange streets in the early morning hours.
And so this is the hot question, right?
Where were you, who were you with, what were you doing, were you fucking?
But lately, I’ve been wondering, what is fucking anyway?

The internet writes:

“In its most literal meaning, it refers to the act of sexual intercourse. By extension, it may be used to negatively categorize anything that may be dismissed, disdained, defiled or destroyed.” (yikes! As if dismissed and disdained are ‘extensions’ of sexual intercourse!)

To expand on this, the given definition for ‘sexual intercourse‘ reads as follows:

“commonly refers to the act in which a male’s penis enters a woman’s vagina for the purpose of sexual pleasure or reproduction. The term may also describe other sexual penetrative acts…which can be practiced by both heterosexual and homosexual pairings.”

While I sort of appreciate the shout out to queer folks, this definition leaves me wanting so much more.
For instance:
What if I didn’t come? What if he didn’t either? What if his penis was only in my vagina for like, a second?
What if someone used their hands rather than their genitals to get someone else off? What if there were four people involved? What if there was only one person involved?

See, the way that we think about and define sex is so grossly limiting.
Why does it have to be about a pair?
Why does it always seem to involve some sort of penetration?
Why does it have to be about genitals even?

In having such a narrow definition, all we are doing is putting restrictions on our ideas about pleasure, about what sorts of things we can do with our bodies, and about who has the right to feel good and how.

And so, when I write about, and think about, and talk about fucking, what I am writing about is not penises and vaginas, or penetration, or even orgasms.

Fucking, I believe, is an act, and I mean any act, which can be performed alone or consensually with one or more partners, with the ultimate aim of giving and receiving pleasure.

Fucking can mean being stretched out naked on the bed with someone else’s hand in your vagina.
Fucking can mean rubbing your elbows against the elbows of someone you love deeply.
Fucking can mean anal sex.
Fucking can mean blow jobs.
Fucking can mean masturbating.
Fucking can mean kissing one another’s necks.
Fucking can mean rubbing your nose against someone else’s inner thigh.
Fucking can mean lying still and breathing deeply and thinking about your body.
The point is that fucking should be about feeling bodily pleasure.
It should not be about the pressure to orgasm, to make someone else orgasm, to have a partner, or to look hot.

If we think about it like that, we can include all kinds of people, with all kinds of sexualities, and bodies, and abilities. And that can really only be a good thing.