Doing It Again

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your body amorsexus
It is a new year. We are actually seven days into the new year by now, but I have never been on time. I’m just getting around to all this now.
The clock ticked, the calendar’s flipped, and we all kissed and made resolutions and swore we would be better. Personally, I resolved to finally use Twitter (follow me @TheFuckingFacts), to develop a more refined palate (olives and black liquorice, here’s looking at you), and to get back to blogging.

2013 was one full on year. I was too busy – busy making a parody music video, busy doing fun interviews, busy actually fucking (which always feels like time better spent than writing about fucking). Mostly, I have just been busy writing things other than this blog. In particular, a book (!!!). I was awarded the theoretically sweet deal of writing a creative non-fiction novel for Invisible Publishing. I say “theoretically”, because if any of you have ever tried to write a book then you know that the process is a very special kind of pain. True, “writing a book” gives you some additional authoritative professionalism at dinner parties and when meeting parents. But at all other times it is a particularly awful activity. It causes your back to ache and your shoulders to hunch. It will lead to a plummet in your self confidence. Essentially, it will make you want to give up writing anything at all, ever.

But, it is a new year. The calendar flipped, the clock ticked, and I set aside my insecurities and decided to get back on the horse, the bike, the condom-clad cock, if you will allow me an alliterative safe-sex plug.

I have weighed my topic options. I have considered critiquing sex-positivity, writing more erotica,  and exploring anal. But at the end of the day it always comes back to this: “Hot Tips for Fucking Girls” . Way back in February of last year I wrote a post with that as the title. And by far it has been the most popular thing I have ever written. It has been clicked on by 1000s. Search terms relating to how to please a woman are what almost always lead earnest interneters to my blog. And while I would not necessarily consider myself an expert on the matter, I do consider myself a woman. And sex is my bread and butter.

So, let me provide you with some guidance. May 2014 bring us all the answers we’ve been Googling for (and better sex.)

“Hot Tips For Fucking Women”, Part 2*

1.The Front Hole & The Back Hole

 In part one I drew your attention to the clitoris, a friend to many. A lot of fine folk like their clit being loved up and rubbed down because it’s chalk full of nerve endings and is subsequently pretty sensitive to touch. It is a great area to focus on, but not the only one. A lot of people like some internal stimulation too. Enter The Holes (I know some of you may be thinking “Ew! Holes!”. To some it isn’t the most sexy term. But I like using it because it’s nicely gender-neutral.) There is one in the front and one in the back.They may also be referred to as the vagina and the anus, the pink sink and the rosebud, or the dragon’s lair and the back door. The list of synonyms goes on and on, so it is best to ask your sex-friend what they like to call it before diving in.Some people like penetration because it creates a nice, woozy-inducing feeling of fullness. Some people like it because there are a lot of nerve endings at the entrances of both the front and back holes. And some people like it because the G-Spot and the P-Spot can both be found internally. When consensually providing some internal play for another person some great ideas are to: start slow and use lube, because the skin around both of the hole’s openings is thin and can tear if thrust into without proper preliminaries; curve the fingers upwards in a “come hither” motion to stimulate the hole’s respective entrances (and maybe even find the G-Spot and the P-Spot); and pay attention to the person’s body! Often when someone is aroused their hole will expand to accommodate penetration. If you feel the body ballooning around you, it may be a good sign that you’re on the right track.

2. Toys are your allies, not your enemies.

Based on my work in a sex shop, I get the impression that many people are nervous about sex toys. Fair enough. Sex toys and exploring our bodies can be a really nerve-wracking endeavor for a lot of valid reasons. But let me attempt to dissipate one fear here & now. Sex toys will not replace your partner. It is unlikely that you will become more in love with the feeling of a vibrator, dildo, or butt plug than the person you are fucking. It is true that our bodies can become accustomed to coming in certain ways (in one position or with a particular stroke), so changing things up frequently may be wise. But typically toys are not a replacement but an accessory. They can provide added vibrations and pressure and whole new sensations. So try going on an ultra fun shopping trip with your lover. You may find something to make the back hole feel full, the clit feel buzzy, or the nipples feel pleasantly pinched.The options are endless.

3. Just Ask!!!!!

I know this was my advice in Part One, but it is so important that I have to repeat it. If you really want to get someone off, the best way to do it is to ask them how they like it. No two humans walk the same, talk the same, or orgasm in the same way. This means communication is key! Ask the person you’re getting down with things like “Do you like it harder or slower?”, or “May I put my mouth on your cunt?” or “Does this feel good?”. Add in some adjectives, like “Your so fucking hot. Can I try and get you off?”, or some more direct statements like “Fuck, I want to touch you everywhere. Are their places you don’t want me to touch?”. Talking about sex, both asking and answering these kind of questions, can feel uncomfortable and vulnerable in the beginning, but it is a great thing to practice again & again & again. To help with feeling more equipped to ask questions and know what you like, check out the book “What You Really, Really Want” by Jaclyn Friedman, or “Exhibitionism for the Shy” by Carol Queen or some of these handy   resources.

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* I can’t write that title without quotations for good reason. The terms “fucking” and “women” are just too subjective to use literally. As I have written before, the act of having sex/fucking is something that is pretty open to interpretation. Fucking can refer to absolutely anything that makes you feel erotic pleasure, not just one particular act. And the identity of “women” is also a personalized thing. That gender binary is bullshit. The world is not simply divided into two groups. Instead, our gender identities can be fluid and unrelated to what parts we have. Someone may be born with a body assigned as male, but identify as a woman. Or someone may have been assigned female at birth but chooses to identify as a masculine-presenting genderqueer person, for example. I have chosen to stick with using the term “women” in this article because it is what most people seem to be Google searching. When I write “woman” I am referring to anyone who self-identifies as such. When you yourself are navigating the world of human relationships, please keep in mind that gender is something that should never be assumed. Here’s a video with more information.

On Being A Sex Expert

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I guess it was inevitable.
You can’t talk as much talk as I talk & write as much write as I write (I posted my own personal erotica on the internet!) without getting a bit of a reputation.

And, I suppose it fits. I suppose it does, in fact, make the most sense to call me a “sex expert”. While I sometimes feel uncomfortable with the connotations of being an  expert at anything at all, I do believe that I do know a little something about doin’ it. And if I don’t know, I’ll try my best to figure it out. I’ll do the research. I’ll try absolutely anything once. Usually twice.

This sex expert reputation – it’s earned me a task or two.

For one, I’m taking over the airwaves. This Saturday November 10th from 6 to 7 you can hear me wax poetic and spill sexy secrets on CKDU‘s Potato Salad Radio Show. You can even call in and ask me for advice, question me your queries. Call CKDU at (902) 494-2487 to talk with me direct, or leave a confidential voicemail at (902) 494-8041.

For two, I am now a certified sex columnist for NSCAD‘s new & improved student paper, CRIT. You can find this pretty printed matter at Halifax’s One Block Barber Shop. Or, you can read my column right here, right now. It’s copy and pasted below. Read on! And follow my advice, pretty please. As I request in the column: “Ask me how to squirt, suck, and slide. Ask me how to rim, rough-house and ride.” All questions can be confidentially emailed to kaleigh at venus envy dot ca. Gimme something to write about.

On Being A Sex Expert

I guess there are some things I should tell you.

I should maybe tell you that I am a wildly inexpert expert.
As a lover, I’ve made all the errors you can make.
I have laughed when I was supposed to have moaned. My bodily orifices have made grossly unattractive noises at grossly inappropriate moments. I have spit when I meant to have swallowed, and bit when I meant to have sucked.

And perhaps I should let you know that I don’t always know what I am doing.
I don’t crawl into bed, or into my back seat, or sneak into bathroom stalls with someone and know exactly what to do with their body. I have read the books and watched the porn, but that doesn’t always translate into practice.

But then again, maybe none of that matters.

Maybe what matters is that I have been working at a feminist sex shop for long enough to know that there is almost never an “expert” expert.

What I know for certain about sex is that almost nothing is certain. I know that all bodies like different things. I know that like snowflakes, each and every single dick is different. Ditto for vulvas. And for all parts, no matter what you call ‘em. I know that lots of different people can and do fuck in lots of different ways, and I know that communicating about sex is really the only way to figure out what is best for you.

And of course, I have had sex. Some really fucking great sex, at that. And I’ve had bad sex too. In my attempts to learn more and more and more, and be a real “expert”, I have made all the mistakes you can possibly make.

So, thems my credentials. I have had some sex, some good, some bad. I work at a rad sex shop, and therefore have access to all sorts of sexual knowledge. Not only can I casually borrow a book on blow jobs on my lunch break, but I can also ask my brilliant and brazen co-workers their advice. Oh, and lastly, I do have this whole blog thing too, called thefuckingfacts.com, where I explore sex even deeper. The Fucking Facts is a place where I can talk sex and politics and facts and fucking all in one go. Check it out.

Anyway, all of that to say: I’m ready. I’m primed. I’ve been warmed up. I’ve been prepped. I’m hot n’ heady, and my fingers are at the keys, just raring to go.

So, write me your questions. Ask me your sex advice. Let this be your bi-monthly column where I can tell you all about finger-fucking & ass-sucking, muff-diving & boner-riding. Or, we can get heavy and I can talk about abortions and break-ups, about mistakes and heart aches. Because that’s a big part of sex too. It can be light, and it can be heavy.

Write your questions and queries to: kaleigh at venusenvy dot ca.
Ask me how to squirt, suck, and slide. Ask me how to rim, rough-house and ride.
I’ll try and answer thoughtfully. I will try to not always rhyme.
Let’s begin a real explicit, real vulgar, and real honest relationship, you and I.
So, write me. Try it. All questions will be considered confidential.