Slurrin’ Smut From Yer Word Hole (“Hanging on the Telephone”)

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Sounds enticing, right??
There’s nothing like using the word “slur” and replacing an “ou” with a single “e” to turn a person on. My nipples could cut ice. I need to change my underwear.

But seriously, in response to my column in the NSCAD student paper CRIT, I received a question re. this very thing : how do we talk dirty to our lovers far away? How do we keep up some kind of erotic dialogue with the person we love (our maybe just the person we’re banging) when we see ‘em on a bi-annual basis? And how do we do this without it all feeling awkward and contrived, without stiffly knocking out our words and feigning orgasm, ultimately feeling lonely and deprived?

It’s a good question. And my first piece of advice is to not refer to your mouth as a “word hole”.

But perhaps before I really issue advice, I’ll try and identify the problem. Why is it that stripping for someone on Skype, for example, can feel so fucking awkward? Well, as is always true, there are a myriad of reasons and explanations, all valid. One thing that I think is a big part of it, though I may be wrong, is that sex in general can be kind of awkward. Even for the sexiest of us, there can be moments when you don’t feel completely at home in your body, or entirely self certain. These periods of self-doubt are typically much easier to overcome when we have a person physically beside us, touching us, and telling us how much we turn them on. And so, when your lover is not in fact proximal, you gotta do a whole lot more work to get to that sexy place. You have to use your imagination to sexualize your body, you have to use your will power to forget all of your doubts and distractions, and you have to use your own damn hands to touch yourself. And of course, this is an entirely different act than actually having physical sex with your partner. So cut yourself some slack: even if you and your pal can achieve simultaneous orgasms in record time when you’re together, doin’ it when you’re apart adds a whole lot of new obstacles to the equation.

And so, it follows that my second bit of advice is doing something for yourself that is exclusively about remembering that you are one hot human. Do something on your own terms, on your own time, to get you in the mood. Watch some porn, maybe. Or read some really good erotica. Or even better, write your own personal porn, articulating your dirty dreams on paper (either exclusively for your eyes, or to share if you want to). Ultimately, get yourself off. Be a sexual being. I think that it can be way easier and smoother to be sexual with someone else once you’ve already gotten yourself halfway there.

And then when you’re feeling all hot n’ heavy and you wanna get down with your far-away friend, there is an array of technological advances to help ya’ll out. In today’s world, we don’t have to rely on carrier pigeons to get our hand-written filthy fantasies to lovers on the other side of the continent. So, let’s use and abuse what we have right at our fingertips. Lemme review for you. We’ve got:

Text messaging (aka Sexting):

This is the fucking best thing ever, in my personal opinion. Sending a dirty text is the least nerve-wracking strategy. You don’t have to try and make your voice sound all sultry. All you gotta do is slam some sex out with your thumb and hit SEND. One idea is sending sexts when you know your lover is with a group of people. Say, for example, they are at a party. All you gotta do is write “You know what I would do if I was at that party with you?”. That’s Sext 1.
Sext 2 is: “Well, I’d take you into the bathroom and push you against the wall.”
Sext 3: “Then I would…(insert fantasy here)”.
Proceed with multiple sexts, detailing what you want to be doing to their hot bod. Their cell phone will be vibrating against their ass cheek all night, and no one will know what’s up but you and them. It’s like your own dirty little secret, out in public. (And of course, all these words could be accompanied by pictures if, unlike myself, you happen to have a cell phone that wasn’t made in 1998.)

Emails:

This is a lot like using your thumb and your phone, but your using your fingers and your keyboard. And here you can say a lot more, with more time to think about just how to say it. You could send an exclusively dirty email, an erotic story you wrote just for them. Or if that sounds slightly exposing, you could always just slip a little sexy sentence in the middle. Sandwich some smut in between the details of your day. Something like:

“The weather was shit here today. Rain, as always. It reminded me of that time we drove out to the lake only for the thunder to start. Remember? We were too afraid to swim, so instead I pulled you into the bushes, and we fucked right there in the mud and fallen leaves? I liked that time. But, here, today, it’s raining and I’m still working on that project and blah blah blah”.

See what I mean? Just a little something to get the ball rolling.

Phone Sex:

Now, everyone is different, but personally I find verbal sex follows more smoothly after already having had a non-verbal exchange. Saying things aloud to one another can be difficult due to the immediacy of it all. If you’ve already established some sort of rapport via email, then this can make that concern a little easier; it can give you sort of a reference point. Rather than trying to create a present tense scene that can feel clunky (“Now, I am touching myself…”), you can reference something that you’ve already written to one another. For instance: “When you wrote that you missed my cock it made me hard. It made me want to…”. Sometimes talking about what you once did or what you will someday do can work to get you all turned on in the present, and then talking about being wet or hard or touching yourself can feel more…fluid, if y’know what I mean.

Skype:

To tell you the honest truth, I find Skype difficult. I get distracted by the part in my hair and the shape of my shoulders. So I enlisted the expertise of some pals for advice here. And they said this:

Skype sex is fun because it can break the ice. You can be honest and giggle and recognize both the silliness and the sexiness of the situation. Or, on the other hand, it can normalize it. You can turn the camera on and just hang out together and then kind of tumble into sex as you change for work, or get ready for bed, or whatever. It can make it feel like a natural progression is occurring, rather than a stilted conversation. And then, on the other hand still, it can make the situation way more sexy than a simple phone call or text message. You can get dolled up for each other, play music, have a drink first, dance. And, practically speaking, Skpe is fun for this because it allows you to tease your lover, only letting them see parts of you at certain times. A tip: practice your lighting and angles before hand, so you know how you’re looking and you don’t actually shoot ‘em a confusing ball sack close up or something. I mean, unless that’s what you’re into.

This has been long-winded.
And so perhaps I should some it all up by saying this: Ease into it. Don’t worry to much about getting off, or getting your partner off. As time passes, this should all get easier n’ easier n’ easier, ‘til you’re coming at the very sound of Skype, at the very feel of your cell phone vibrations. Practice will make perfect.