BRB.

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tooth

Shit has been happening in 2013.
The result: I haven’t been blogging.
And despite my fascination with my oral health (as evidenced above), I haven’t been spending all my time worrying about tooth decay either.
I’ve been doing that part time, for sure, but I have also been preoccupied with all sorts of things.

For one, the sex shop I work at is getting older and bigger and better, and to celebrate we are throwing a big old party. I am honoured to play the role of Host. I am going to wear fake eyelashes for the first time ever. If you are in Halifax you should come and check out how silly they will look, and even better, dance to the wild beats of DJ Regalia and DJ SWAYBACK. It’s gonna be a time.

For two, I have been doing fun and exciting things that sex experts get to do. Way back in March I was part of a round table for HuffPost Live called Bringing Sexy Back, where me and three other professional sex educators, professors, and sex toy designers talked about the sex toy economy. When watching this video you should know that though I may look semi professional in my fancy glasses, I am actually sitting in my bed in my tiny attic apartment, and below the waist I am only wearing boys underwear.
Oh, and, I am going to Guelph, Ontario in June to speak at the 35th Annual Guelph Sexuality Conference. Brilliant sex educators like Tristan Taormino and Cory Silverberg will be there doing their things, teaching us stuff. I am speaking about sexual health and (dis)ability, which is my absolute favourite topic. So I have been busy with that, worrying over what I should say & wondering over what I should wear. What does one wear to a sex conference?!

For three, and I think this one is the biggest deal of ’em all, I am writing a book?! It is actually, honestly and truly, one of the most exciting & terrifying & nerve-wracking & honouring projects with which I have ever been tasked.
In February, I signed a contract with the very impressive independent publishers Invisible Publishing. Check out their books. They are beautiful and brilliant and so fucking cool. And, within a year, a book written by me will be amidst their roster! Woah.

So, in sum, I am busy as shit. And as happy as a pig in shit too. And to continue with the various uses of the word shit: I don’t how the shit I am going to do it all.

To help with this, to narrow down my responsibilities,  I am gonna say BRB! to blogging.
I will be back, saying (hopefully) helpful and funny thing soon. As soon as I can.

Until then, please find your sex information from other resources. Personally, I would avoid Cosmo and all of their 69 Tips To Make Your Man Go Wild. They are always so redundant and boring.  Instead, some smarty-pants sex talkers can be found here and here and here.

I’ll miss you!
I’ll BRB!
Wish me luck!

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On rape culture.

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Trigger warning: This article talks about rape and sexual assault.

Yesterday* I sat down to write a blog post. It has been a long time. I have been busy, and things have been happening that I have felt unsure how to comment on as someone who writes about sex. Specifically, there was that fucked up Girls Ep (spoiler) where Adam has sex with a woman that she does not want to have, that does not make her feel good. But we, the viewers, are somehow expected to empathize with him because it’s not his fault that he’s fucked up and hurts people? And then there was Steubenville, and everyone was talking and talking and talking  about it. And it felt like so many people and journalists and media outlets were doing such a fucking bad job of talking about it. It seemed as though sex and consent, partnered with rape and sexual assault, had become super hot topics and everybody was throwing in their two cents. And while such public discourse around rape made me feel good, it also made me feel weird. It feels powerful to engage in a discourse of consent with all sorts of different people. It felt hopeful to watch women and girls, such as Steubenville’s Jane Doe, come forward and share their stories with such strength and bravery. But, it also felt hard to look at. It also felt difficult to talk about. Talking about rape hurts me. It hurts a lot of people. It is not an easy conversation and the way that it seemed to be happening everywhere made me feel conflicted.

So, yesterday I began writing a blog post about the importance of talking about consent, and the importance of talking about rape, but also about the importance of remembering that these issues are delicate. I wanted to write about how we should always give trigger warnings before we start talking about rape. I wanted to write about how we should consider people’s histories before we engage in heavy discussions about sexual assault. I wanted to write about how hard these conversations can be and how they should happen softly.

And then the story of Rehtaeh Parsons came out and filled my news feed. And I stopped writing.

Rehtaeh’s story is so heartbreaking that it is hard to talk about it. Part of me doesn’t want to look at it. Part of me wants to pretend that these stories don’t happen. So, I stopped writing that blog post. I felt fully unequipped to write about rape in the face of such a painful rape story. I went to the sex shop I work at. I spent the afternoon talking about sex. The conversations were light and easy. I taught a man about his prostate. I helped someone pick out a dildo and harness. It felt good. It felt important. Sex education always does.

I finished my shift and went to the pool. I had been actively trying not to think about Rehtaeh all day. I did not want to think about Steubenville. I did not want to imagine the ways in which women’s bodies are hurt and demeaned and policed and degraded. In the change room, another woman recognized me. She was naked and so was I, and we stood there in our naked bodies, bodies that are strong but that can be hurt, bodies that are subject to violence, bodies that for all their beauty we are taught not to love. She thanked me. I had given a lecture to her class about the sexual health needs of persons with disabilities. I had brought in sex toys that can be adapted for folks with different abilities. This woman had never touched a sex toy before, and she thanked me for the opportunity. She told me she had never had an orgasm before, and sex made her nervous but excited, and she was so grateful that she had been exposed to sex toys in such a safe space. She wanted to come to the store and talk to the staff, to learn more about her body.

And that’s when I realized that if it is important to talk about sex lightly, it is just as important to talk about it with weight too. If I am sure that fun and informative sexual health education is important, than I am sure that talking about rape, and sexual assault, and violence against women & trans people’s bodies is important too. Even when it feels hard. Even when it hurts.

Rehtaeh’s story is unfortunately not an anomaly. In Canada, one in every seventeen women is raped at some point in her life. And girls and young women between the ages of 15 and 24 are the most likely victims. This happens because we live in a rape culture. To borrow from Force:

“In a rape culture, people are surrounded with images, language, laws, and other everyday phenomena that validate and perpetuate, rape. Rape culture includes jokes, TV, music, advertising, legal jargon, laws, words and imagery, that make violence against women and sexual coercion seem so normal that people believe that rape is inevitable. Rather than viewing the culture of rape as a problem to change, people in a rape culture think about the persistence of rape as “just the way things are.”

When a woman is raped and people imply that she was asking for it because she was drunk, or because of what she was wearing, that is rape culture. When someone says “Man, I totally raped that exam” to mean that they did well on it, that is rape culture. When comedians make rape jokes, when girls and women are called sluts, when police officials and other systems of “justice” don’t protect women; that is rape culture.

Our society normalizes rape. It normalizes violence against women. The structures of patriarchy that inform our societal belief systems are dangerous foundations. Patriarchal and misogynist ideas teach boys to hurt girls, and teach girls not to love their bodies. It teaches us that women’s bodies are objects of sex. It teaches us all that men can’t control their “natural” urges. It teaches us all that there is a gender binary, that men are one way and women are another and that there is nothing in between. It teaches us to not speak openly and shamelessly about sex and pleasure, though we see it every day, on T.V and on the internet.

And so stories like Rehtaeh’s will keep happening and keep happening and keep happening because no one is being taught otherwise. Media outlets will talk about the criminal justice system failing  but this doesn’t account for the fact that the criminal justice system is a failure as a whole. Of course it is a failure,  because it too is informed by sexism and racism and classism. It too lays atop a foundation of patriarchy and oppression. If these boys who hurt Rehtaeh go to jail, will they learn how not to rape there? Will the Steubenville boys ever be taught that their actions were wrong? Will prison really teach them this? I don’t believe that it will. I don’t believe that the criminal justice system will deconstruct rape culture and tear down patriarchy. These systems will fail us time and time again because their basis is not one of equality but is one that perpetuates oppression. And, to be clear, I am not saying that the boys who hurt Rehtaeh should not be punished. I am saying I would not rely on the criminal justice system to dole out justice at all. I am arguing that we need alternatives.

And so I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what to do with Rehtaeh’s story, with so much heartbreak.

But I do believe that words have power. I do believe that when these stories happen, if we talk about them and talk about them and talk about them, and talk about them fairly, our words can affect change.

And so, I am sitting here, rewriting this blog post because I believe that part of annihilating rape culture is talking about it. And I know that it is hard to talk about. I know that even the word “rape” has the power to cause pain. Sticks and stones may break our bones but words may break our very hearts. Words have weight. And so I think we should use the strength of our words to talk about rape culture, to talk about patriarchy and misogyny.

Let’s talk about consent. Let’s teach our children and our lovers and our friends about respecting boundaries and respecting one another’s bodies. And let’s talk about how women should be treated with respect at all times, from when they are walking down the street to engaging in consensual sex. Let’s talk about what sexual assault can look like and who perpetrates it. And as we talk, as we speak without shame, lets hope that we are building a culture of consent. Let’s hope that we are creating an awareness around how sexual assault happens. Let’s hope that we are working to support survivors and let them feel love.

And as we speak, let’s remember to be gentle with one another. Let’s remember that these conversations are important but not easy. Let’s remember that survivors walk amongst us, with all their strength and courage, and let’s take care of each other. Let’s give trigger warnings. Let’s ask if someone feels like talking about rape right now, before barreling into the conversation head first. Let’s take care.

Some more resources:

If you would like to learn more about practicing good consent, go here and here.

If you are a survivor of rape and/or sexual assault and living in Halifax, Nova Scotia, go here and here.

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* I began writing all this days ago, but talking about rape culture is difficult. It took awhile.

“Hot Tips For Fucking Girls”

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As I’ve mentioned, one of the best things about having a blog is that you can see what search terms people use to find you. As you can imagine, with a blog titled thefuckingfacts.com, I am privy to what are probably the most pervy Google searches out there.
Lately, a reoccurring theme has become apparent. I’ve studied the patterns and the outcome is this: people really want to know “how to fuck girls”. It seems like all of you have asked Google some variation of this question in the last 30 days. Maybe it’s Lena Dunham’s influence; Girls’ sex scenes can make fucking look awkward as shit and pretty damn confusing. Which, from my personal experience, I would say it often is. I’ve never done it in a construction tube, a-la-Tiny-Furniture, but I have found myself in a fair share of compromising and confounding situations.
Anyway, the point is: as a girl*, this question warms my heart. I love sex. I love it best when the person/people I am doing it with know what they are doing. And really, the only way to know what you are doing is to ask.
To all the earnest, brilliant, thoughtful people brave enough to confess that they do not inherently know how to fuck (who does?), who as a result are probably the very best of lovers (communication is key!), I applaud you. Good job. As a result, I will try my very best to use my woman-powers for the greater good. And so, to answer your question, here are:

 Three Hot Tips For Fucking Girls

Tip 1: Avoid using the word ‘girl’, unless you know they are into it.

Here’s the thing. I am a straight up cis-girl. I was born with female parts, I love my tits and my clit and all those things, and I talk about my menstrual cycle as often as my brother talks about his illogical devotion to The Toronto Maple Leafs (which is to say a lot). And still, I don’t love it when the person I am fucking calls me a girl. When I am watching music vids and curling my hair with my girl pals, then I am a girl, reveling in all the pop-music, bubble-gum ideas of girlhood. But, if you wanna stick your dick or your fingers or whatever in my cunt, then you better call me a fucking woman! I am an adult, with agency, and control and a hot, woman bod, with curves and fat and all the nice things that make me a total womz. I am not “girl”, or “your girl”, or “baby girl”.

My roomie & I, being girls.

My roomie & I, being straight up girlzzz.

But that is just me. This rule may not apply to all people, just like almost every single rule that ever was, really. Some girls LOVE being called girl, and that is cool too. Nothing is hard n’ fast, but maybe  just ask your pal what word they prefer before you start pet-naming them anything at all.

Pluuuusss, the word girl is pretty gendered. Maybe you know the person you are fucking is, much like myself, a woman born with female anatomy who feels comfortable in that identity. But, not everyone is. Some people identify as trans or gender queer. They may have female or male anatomy, but may not identify with the societal category of girl or boy/woman or man. They may not call their bits their penis or their vagina, they may not want to be called he or she, and they may not conform to the traditional and restrictive gender binary. To use gendered language can be hurtful and cis-sexist. To learn more about trans identities, go here. To learn more about some aspects of trans culture, go here or here.

Tip 2: Don’t Assume A Thing, or, Consent Is Hot As Shit

So listen, the truth is, I can’t really tell you “how to fuck a girl”. I could tell you how to fuck me, and I am a girl, but that is not really the same thing.
The snowflake metaphor is always applicable. No two people are alike, and no two people like the same thing. Some girls like having their nipples sucked; some like having their hair pulled; some girls like having their back rubbed; some like missionary; some like it standing up; some girls only want to do it on Fridays; some girls only want to do it with their socks on. Some girls call “sex” penetration. Some girls call “sex” oral. Some girls call “sex” something you have never even imagined before.
What woman want, counter to what that shitty Mel Gibson movie from the 90’s may have taught us, is pretty fucking diverse. As is the definition of sex. Considering all the many variables at play here, answering the question of how to fuck a girl is pretty much impossible. So, I can’t tell you how to please your female friend. But, I bet she can. And so, my advice is to ask her, not Google.

Ask her if she likes her clit to be touched, and how. Ask her if she likes her neck to be kissed. Ask her if she likes penetration. Ask her what she would like to do, how she would like to do it, when she wants to do it, and where.

This kills two birds with one stone (or feeds two birds with one scone, if you find bird-killing metaphors offensive). It teaches you how to be the best fucking lover you can be, because you are listening to your partner’s desires. And, it ensures that you are engaging in sexy times that are totally consensual. Consent is pretty much the hottest thing ever. In this weird, sex-negative world we live in, it can be pretty hard for a person to figure out what they want to do in bed. Practicing good consent, by asking your pal what they want to do/if they like what ya’ll are doing/if they are comfortable, helps both you and your sex-friend ensure you are doing things that you both really, definitely, want to be doing. To learn more about consent, read this awesome article.

Oh, and if you think all this asking business sounds clunky and awkward, don’t worry, it isn’t. Just try it. It could feel weird at first, but practice, throw in some dirty words, and you’ll be asking all the best questions and communicating like a champ in a matter of minutes. Here are some practice sentences you can try at home: “Baby, I want to suck your cock. Do you want that?”; or,  “Does this feel good?/Was that good?”; or,  “You have the most hot fucking bod I have ever seen. Can I touch it in all the places you like best?”.

Thing 3: The Clit Might Be A Safe Bet/Foreplay Is Generally Appreciated

Again, to be doubley clear, I can’t tell you what women want. Some want it fast, some want it slow, some want it rough, some want it soft, some want to top, and some want to bottom. But, I felt like if I didn’t provide at least one practical tip, brains may just explode with my annoyingly theoretical musings and my insistance that there are no right answers, ever. So, a practical tip: it is often true that girls, or women, or anyone at all really, like a bit of foreplay. Rushing into things can sometimes be a good time. A lunch-break quickie, a before-the-kids-get-home get off, a middle of the night fastie (I made that word up) – they can be hella fun. But, often, a bit of warming up goes a long way.

So, if penetrative sex is the end goal for you and your sex-friend, try warming things up before moving on into insertion. Foreplay is great for a few reasons. It gets blood flowing, making genitals erect. It gets the juices…juicing, making genitals wet and making penetration much more slick n’ slippery n’ fun. And it gets the brain in the right position, helping one forget the details of their day and get into the moment.

Foreplay can include some of the following fun things: give the ears and neck some amorous attention with your lips/mouth/teeth; talk dirty!; sweetly stimulate them nipples with fingers, mouths, or even clamps if all parties are down with that; focus on the clit with your fingers or your mouth; REALLY FOCUS ON THE CLIT; and then focus on the clit some more. If both parties have consented, foreplay could also include things like: spanking, bondage, blindfolds, and sex toys! Really, the options are endless, and I encourage ya’ll to experiment with the wealth of fun things bodies can do together before penetration happens.

Oral is a great way to warm up.

Oral is a great way to warm up.

So, them’s the tips.
To sum it all up: the best way to know how to fuck anyone at all in the way that they want, is to ask ’em.
But, I do hope some of the above provides some good initial guidance.

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*I prefer tough-as-fuck woman, but whatever. I’ll go with girl in this instance to conform to internet vernacular.

Getting Wet.

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As a general rule, I try to have sex most Sunday mornings.  I think it is the smartest way to begin my work week. For some folks going to church, confessing their sins, and taking communion puts them on the right foot. For me, I would rather stay in bed, commit multiple sins, and come all over someone. To each their own.

Unfortunately, last Sunday the natural order of things was disrupted. Rather then spending my morning flouting my good, Catholic upbringing I was working. (But then again, I guess my work is not so God-abiding either.) Specifically, last weekend I was working the Everything To Do With Sex Show, a fairly weird sex symposium that travels all around this colonialist nation, selling sex-related wares. My job: teach the people. Teach ’em what? The wonders of wetness. For 30 minutes my co-worker and I stood at the pulpit and expounded the virtues of a quality bottle of lube to all the good people of the world. Now, I’ll do it all for you in simple half-page post. Easy peezy. I’ll break it down for you in terms of what lube goes best with what sex act. I’ll talk vaginal, anal, oral,  solo sex and sex with toys.

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Let’s start at the vagina*.

When it comes to putting lube in that hole, there are two things you may want to avoid. The first is glycerin, the second is parabens. Glycerin is added to a lot of lube because it is real slippery. However it is also a sugar, and what does sugar do? It causes yeast to grow. And where does yeast naturally occur? In vaginas. While all vaginas have some yeast hanging out in ’em all of the time, when yeast grows and multiples in there it can often lead to a yeast infection. So, to avoid that whole itchy, sticky, smelly mess, check the ingredients on your lube and avoid glycerin.

Parabens are also often found in lube (and lots of cosmetics), where they act as a preservative. Consuming them in minute quantities is no bigs. There is usually no immediate symptoms or reactions. The thing about parabens is that they are an estrogen-mimicker, which means they act like estrogen in your body. If you consume a whole lot of them and they build up in your body over time, this may or may not lead to breast cancer. I’m sorry to sound so vague on this – I’m no fucking scientist, but from what I can tell, the science is vague either way. Ultimately, the point I’m making is that like most everything in the world parabens may cause cancer, and lubes with parabens in them may be something you want to avoid.

So, going with lubes that do not contain glycerin or parabens may be a wise decision. Choosing an all-natural lube may also be a smart move if you are experiencing irritation. Some quality, all natural lubes are Sliquid or Probe.

Another thing you may wanna try puttin’ in your pussy is a silicone lube. Water-based lubes are more common, but you can find silicone lubes in sex shops and some drug stores. Unlike water-based lubricants which absorb into your skin, silicone lubes last and last and last and last and last. Like seriously. They feel real slick n’ oily and they don’t absorb into your body so a little goes a long way. Silicone is also hypo-allergenic, so most folks don’t have any reaction to them. I really like a silicone lube, but keep in mind they are more pricey and they can stain your sheets. If you wanna try one out, I recommend Pjur or Swiss Navy.

So those are some options for the vagina: a water-based lube without glycerin or parabens, or a silicone lube. But before I move on to the bum, let me first make a very important point:

USING LUBE DOES NOT MAKE YOU ANY LESS OF A HOT FUCKING BABE, ALRIGHT? 

There is some weird myth abounding that  “real” women get real wet, or if someone is not really wet then they are not really turned on. This is false. While it can be true that vaginas can get wetter the more hot n’ horny someone is, that is not always accurate. Different people produce different amounts of vaginal fluids, and it ain’t no competition. We are not going to collect, measure, and compare the amount of juice we all produce to see whom of us is the sexiest. The truth is, you or your pal may be really into something and may still be sorta dry, or just a little wet, or really super fucking wet but still not wet enough for the kind of penetration ya’ll are about to partake in. So, let the shame go. Adding lube does not indicate you aren’t a serious (and/or a seriously turned on) babe. All it goes to show is that you are in it for the long haul and are totes ready to have a good time.

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So, that’s that. Moving south, from the vagina to the butthole.

Anal sex is both a great time, and a great time to use lube.  Unlike the vagina, the anal sphincter does not self-lubricate, so lubing it up is a wise move. Plus, the walls of the anal canal are super thin and can tear easily.  Using lube is a great way to prevent tearing, have safer sex, and ensure a wet, wild, and positive time for all parties involved.

In this instance, using a thick water-based lube is a good idea. Generally the thicker the lube the longer it tends to last, as it absorbs into your skin less quickly. Sliquid Sassy Booty Gel is one of my personal favourites, and not only for it’s name. That shit is seriously thick. But, if that one is not doing it for you, you could also try Maximus, another nice gel-like lubricant.

Silicone is another great option here, as it is mega slick. Its long-lasting power makes it ideal for anal play, seeing as the bum is so absorbant. Where as water-based lubes can all feel different, from thick to thin, stringy to sticky, silicone lubricants really all feel pretty much the same: oily. One is not necessarily better than any other, so going with the brands mentioned above works just dandy.

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And from there, I wanna give ya a little quickie about lubing up for oral adventures.

Why would you lube up a penis you are about to blow, a pussy you are about to eat, or whatever? Well, why not? To reiterate: everything is better when it is wetter, and this includes oral. For one thing, oral can lead to penetrative sex, and so lubing that shit up right off the bat starts you off on the good foot. And another thing – I don’t know about ya’ll, but my mouth can get pretty dry when I’m nervous. Sometimes, going down on someone is a nerve-wracking experience and a dry, old mouth ensues.  Rubbing a sandpaper tongue all over a sweet clit or a lovely cock can be weird and hurt-y and not that much fun for either the giver or the receiver. Adding lube really eliminates any possible dry-tongue induced chaffing and makes the act of licking or sucking way easier.

When it comes to oral, water-based or silicone-based lubes work. Silicone may not be something you want to ingest in large quantities, but pouring it on someone’s junk and pouring the bottle directly into your mouth are different things, so don’t sweat it.

Water-based lubes are safe to ingest in small quantities too, especially the natural ones. If you wanted to spice things up here, you could throw in a flavoured water-based lube.When I teach B.J workshops, people talk ALOT about not liking the taste of their pal’s parts. Personally, I’m into that musky odour, but if you just don’t love it and bathing is no remedy, then flavoured lube can do a great masking job. Or, if you’re just not into performing oral, it can make the act more tasty n’ fun. Something to keep in mind here is that lubricants that are flavoured often contain glycerin, because that is what makes them taste so sweet. When shopping for a flavoured lube, try and search out something that uses aspartame or stevia as a sweetener instead of straight-up sugar, to prevent against possible yeast infections. Some options are Hathor Flavours or Sliquid Swirl lubes.

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Next, lemme say a lil’ thing about lube for those solo times.

When enjoying some autonomous exploration, lube is a nice thing to bring on your “journey of self-discovery” (actual euphemism I once heard to describe jerkin’ it). If your female-bodied, adding lube is super exciting because even if you aren’t really feeling it initially putting lube on your bod signals to your brain that you are ready to go into the sexy zone. And using lube if your male-bodied is nice because hands and peens* generally don’t get all that wet on their own (unless you have intensely sweaty palms). While foreskins do produce a bit of their own natural lubricant,  it is generally not a whole lot. So, water-based or silicone-based lubes are both totes applicable for masturbating, but in the solo scenario you also have another fun option: oil-based lubricants! Using an oil-based lube with a partner whom you are practicing safe-sex with is a bad plan, as oil breaks down latex and would eat right through that dental dam/condom/glove. So, it is only when your playing on your own (or with a fluid-bonded partner) that you can really test out the staying power of margarine, coconut butter, or olive oil. They even have special oil-based lube especially for these moments, such as this one called Boy Butter. Just a word of precaution though: some folks are into using coconut oil and the like because it is so natural, but do keep in mind that not all bodies can get into it. Oil-based cooking accessories may be great in baked goods but may be irritating to sensitive holes.

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And one final thing: there is something you should know when it comes to throwing an inanimate friend (aka a sex toy) into the mix.

Using lubes with toys is fun because a) they don’t produce their own juices, and b) lubricant helps transfer vibrations from a toy to a body, letting you feel all the fun a little better. However, some lubricants and toys do not play nice together. Specifically, it is not the best plan to use a silicone lube with a silicone or a cyberskin toy. While with plastic, glass, or even some jelly vinyl toys silicone can do the trick just dandy,  with a silicone or cyberskin toy the lube will bond to the toy. It becomes impossible to remove, leaving your toy feeling slightly sticky and eventually causing it to break down, leaving funny marks on it and degrading the material. Sticking with a water-based lubes for these types of toys is a safe bet.

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So, there you have some basic information. But it is always helpful to talk to someone on staff at your local sex shop for what lube would work best for you. It is always a true thing that all bodies are different and have different wants & needs.

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* I used the word “vagina” for ease of clarity. I want to make sure ya’ll know what I’m talking about. But, it is important to note that that may not be what everyone calls their bits. Some folks are not into the word vagina, and would rather call it their cunt or their pussy. Other folks identify as transgendered or genderqueer, and would rather call that part of their bod their front hole, or hole, or something else entirely. It is important to never assume what someone calls their parts, or what pronoun they may use.

*I again used the word peen there for ease of understanding, but please keep in mind that may not be what some folks call it. Some may refer to is as their clit, their bits, or their stuff, for example.

A Note on Shame

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Why am I doing this?

Maybe it is the ache-y uncomfortable start of a New Year*, all the resolutions, all the reflecting and redirecting. Or maybe it is my frequently mentioned (and constantly felt) awkwardness surrounding my  weird reputation as a “blogger”, or even weirder, a “sex expert”. Whatever the reason, I have found myself feeling a nagging need for introspection. I wonder: why am I writing all of this, running my mouth ( and fingers) off all of the time? Who is it serving? What am I hoping for? Where is it going, and how will it get there?

Big questions, some unanswerable.  I suppose most of those Big Questions, when applied to our individual ambitions, often are. The purpose gets muddled or entirely lost as we propel ourselves through our worlds, grabbing & leaping & failing & winning at opportunities.  It is easy to just start doing rather than thinking, acting rather than feeling. Follow the pattern, perform the duty, complete the task.

But, in these rare moments when I do stop to think, I remember that there was once a clear and defined purpose that had led me to start writing.

I had wanted to write about the light and the heavy.
I had wanted to write candidly and openly about sex for a series of reasons, all of which stem back to the experience of shame that so many of us sexual animals are subject to.
When I began this blog, my own personal experiences had recently brought me face to face with said sexual shame. I was pressed up against a wall, feeling unacceptable and dirty and all I wanted to do was fight back, scream and shout, tell any one and everyone that I am proud and perfect and undefeatable and unashamed. And I didn’t want to do it alone. I wanted the whole world to yell back with me, to yell back with fierce, unflinching joy and self-celebration. To feel good in each of our bodies, to feel proud of our sexual selves and desires, no matter our inclinations and experiences.

Specifically, shortly before creating this blog I had an abortion. It was one of those pivotal, life-altering things that will forever mark me. Long before this experience, I had figured out that I was a pro-choice feminist, but applying this belief system so directly to my life reaffirmed it. Because even as a strong, powerful, pro-choice feminist, I was seriously subject to and affected by shame, and the shaming of women who are “sexually deviant”** in whatever way. I had to work through my own internalized sense of worthlessness that came from being knocked up and totally alone. I had to face the protestors outside the clinic. And I had to deal with the silence surrounding abortion, had to quietly hold this thing that I had been made to feel was inappropriate to be open about.

But, I’ve never been quiet. And I am often inappropriate. So, I started to write.

In writing about sex so publicly, I had hoped to not only yank out my own personal shame and unpack it, but also help you, dear reader, unpack yours. Because while for me having an abortion was a primary source of shame, we are all made to feel like shit about our sexuality for a myriad of reasons. That is the way hegemonic norms work, you see: they creep into our bellies undetected and swarm around down there like vile little worms, shaping our thoughts and telling us how we oughta be.

When it comes to sex, the “norm” that we are fed goes something like this:

Sex is something we should all be having or want to be having all of the time; and “sexy” is thin, white, straight, able-bodied, and cis-gendered. And unfortunately, this ubiquitous definition is pretty exclusive. Not a lot of bodies fit the bill. People that are queer, that are trans, that are not white, that are of size, that are (dis)abled are all left out. And this exclusion from a mass-produced and mass-consumed idea of human sexuality is a shaming experience. It makes the word “fat” an insult. It makes people of colour an exotic and objectified other. It makes bodies that are trans unsafe in our streets. It makes people who are queer subject to harassment. It makes men feel like they always have to be ready to fuck. It makes women feel like fucking too fast and too often  is slutty. It makes people that are (dis)abled misconstrued as asexual. It makes the act of having an abortion shameful.

All of these experiences are very different. Equating having had an abortion with being a person of colour, for example, would be inaccurate. At the end of each day, I can choose to disclose or not disclose my shaming sexual experience. To the outside world, I can pass as “normal”. I look like a straight, white, cis-gendered girl, with blonde hair and predictable desires. I can smile pretty and duck judgement, hiding behind my performed conformity.

But, while these experiences may not be equatable, they are all interconnected. They are all experiences of deviation from that total bullshit norm and, as such, they are all experiences that could lead to someone being made to feel ashamed. Systems of oppression work in concert like this, excluding, degrading, and putting in danger people who are different. And these normative ideas are rooted deep. They grow up from long-standing and seriously entrenched racist, patriarchal, homophobic belief systems that have been around for fucking ever. Demolishing these norms is a hell of a job. But I think talking (and writing) about sex, in all its beautiful and dirty deviations, is a good starting point. It is a great first rock to throw.

So, that is where I was at when I began this Fucking Facts project. I was stuck on shame and a personal need to annihilate it. I wanted to write about it, and about all kinds of heavy stuff. But, somewhere along the way it has become true that mostly, I just write the light. I like to laugh, and I like when all of you laugh with me. I want to make us all feel comfortable & good & safe in our skin and secure in our sex. And I do believe that approaching things lightly is a pretty affective way of going about it. But, it is not the only way.

And so, as we all wake up, stretch, regroup and push forward into this New Year, I want to try and remember that for all its lightness; for all the fun, the come, the hickies, the multiple orgasms; sex can sometimes be heavy and hard and full of fucked up feelings. These heavy parts have a place too.

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*I did in fact begin this essay when the year was still fresh and reflecting on new beginnings was still relevant.

** And by sexually deviant I mean not complying to those hegemonic & heteronormative ideas of acceptable expressions of womanhood, femininity, and sexuality.

P in the V (The P Edition)

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peen

So I’ve got this pal, let’s call him John, who loves to criticize me generally  and my blog more specifically. He particularly gets irritated by my overuse of the oxford comma, obvious spelling mistakes, and a lack of male perspective. This last point, the missing male gaze, is a valid one (actually, they are maybe all valid) and it came to light in particular when I wrote the post titled “P in the V” a couple months ago. Ol’ Johnny argued that for an essay specifically about hetero-style doin’ it, I largely ignored issues of the peen. True point. We tried to amend this concern through a collaborative blog post, both of us writing about the minor mishaps that may affect a cock during penetrative, P in the V sex.

The result was a mostly offensive back and forth, full of jokes that probably only he and I find funny and that would seriously alienate anyone else reading. After weeks of arguing and editing, the results were ultimately unpublishable.

But, John’s criticism stands. As a proud and fierce cunt-owner, I tend to get a little overly pussy-focused sometimes.

And so, here I bring you P in the V, The P Edition, where I present to you my years of qualitative research concerning peens and some shit that can come up when one is trying to consensually put one in a vajay. I may not have a dick, but I have handled a few in my time.

You accidentally put the P in the A:

So, sometimes when shit is getting real hot n’ heavy and there is a lot of thrusting and fluids and hands everywhere, a person can slip up and accidentally stick their dick (or almost stick it) in the wrong hole. It makes sense. Everything is so wet and happening so fast, and the V and and A are actually fairly close together, y’know?  And while anal sex can be one sweet fucking time, a surprise and accidental insertion such as that can hurt like wild.

The proper and polite thing to do should you find yourself in this problematic (but understandable!) position is as follows: Remove the P from the A. Apologize profusely. Explain that it was a mistake, and that while you may be interested in anal banging sometime (if that is, in fact, an interest you have), you know that this is an issue that ya’ll should discuss before you just stick it in there. Should the Total Mega Babe in question still feel like doing it, change condoms (buttholes have bacteria in them that should not get in the vajay) and continue with P in the V, carefully.

The P is too big for the V ( & vice versa ):

The point that I am trying to make here is that V’s and P’s come in all shapes n‘ sizes.
For instance, you may find yourself with a babe who’s V is not wide enough for your girthy P. But rest assured, pussies have the potential to expand to remarkable sizes. I mean think about it, whole entire human beings can come out of that hole! What you need is time, lube, and patience. If someone is turned on, the vaginal muscles can more easily stretch, so in this situation, focus on the foreplay and that whole very important clit part. And adding lube is always a good idea, but here it’s a fucking brilliant one. If her vagina is just too small for ya’ll, lube will make any potential painful thrusting a whole lot smoother. And of course – thrust slow! Your aim is to make her feel good, not bad! Lastly, if you do have a V and your partner is much wider than you, you can always use a dilator (a set of cylinders graduating in size) to expand your vagina and get your vaginal muscles more accustomed to penetration on your own terms.

If you find yourself in the reverse situation of this one, and you are with someone whose V is wider than your P, the V owner in question can always do some kegel exercises so that the muscles inside the vagina can more effectively contract. The pubococcygeus muscles (or PC muscles) are the muscles of the pelvic floor which hold all your reproductive system in place. When a person orgasms, these muscles  contract. So, having stronger PC muscles is a good thing, because it makes your orgasms feel stronger, and  can make your vaginal muscles contract more tightly around a peen (thereby addressing the problem of a too-wide V). To exercise these muscles, you can use Ben Wa (or Kegel) Balls. Kegel Balls are meant to be inserted inside the vagina, giving your body something to contract around. Put ’em in for roughly 20 minutes a day and squeeze around ’em, to strengthen your biznezz. Or, if you can isolate the PC muscles on your own, without using a set of exercise balls to help you, you can do that too. Here’s a hint: to find your PC muscles, try stemming the flow of urine while you’re on the can. Can you do it? That is your PC muscles at work. Now that you know where they are, try contracting them in sets of ten, three times a day.

The P Won’t Come!:

In his helpful response, my buddy John attributed this conundrum to the crushing of cans. And the man has got a point: drinking vast quantities of alcohol, as we often do, can really slow that shit down. In this situation, when you are just too drunk to come, you really only have one of two options. Number one: you and your friend can engage in some seriously drunken and consensual revalery, going to unmatchable feats and finding never-been-done-before  positions in an attempt to help you get off. Or, number two: you can accept defeat, have some fun without coming, and then roll over and grab some shut eye in preparation for tomorrow’s inevitable hang over.

But, if you are having a hard time coming and it is not in fact related to how much gooning you’ve been doing, you could be experiencing delayed ejaculation. Some can come by their own hand like it ain’t no thang, but then they find themselves with a lover (or two, or four) and they get stage fright, like when you were a kid and couldn’t piss in public bathrooms. Delayed ejaculation has been linked to many potential causal factors, both emotional/psychological and physiological. Unfortunately, there is no one right answer or “cure” to make ya come, so you may need to talk to a doc if this is really cramping your style.

The P Won’t Get Hard!

Here again John brought up whisky dick and the consumption of too much chach as causal factors if you find yourself with a P that won’t get hard. And again, man’s got a point. The consumption of alcohol can really fuck with your sexy shit, and make your leaky house lazy, your schnitzel shy, or your flesh flute fallow. If this is the situation, what you gotta do is much like my advice offered above. You can either a) engage in some heavy cardio activity trying to get yer Little (or Big, whatever) Guy up and at it; or b) accept that your dick is just not in it and take this as a perfect opportunity to use your hands to get your buddy off.

However, there are a also a whole lot of other potential reasons for this particular predicament, such as spinal cord injury, aging, nerves, diabetes, anxiety, and medications, to name only a few. Sometimes, this issue will right itself with time. Other times, doctors can prescribe medications that alleviate the problem. And  of course, there are always toys that can be used to help a P get hard and stay hard, such as penis pumps (draw blood to the peen, making it erect), and cock rings (worn around the shaft of the penis to stem blood flow out, forcing the peen to stay erect).

There are really so many other junk-related jams I could have tried to de-bunk here. Just like V’s, P’s can have a whole bundle of hang ups and hold ups and straight up screw ups. But ultimately, at the end of most days, doin’ it is a pretty good time, and is quite often worth risking any and all embarrassing moments for.

Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2012!

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sex

Woah.
I didn’t even know this list existed!
But, evidently, I made the cut.
Thanks Between My Sheets, for jamming all us sex bloggers together into one seriously smutty roster.
Thanks, and congrats, to all other winners for being out in the world, on the internet, doin’ dirty things.
The top 10, the hottest of the hot, are below.

Enjoy!

1. Molly from Molly’s Daily Kiss

2. EA from Easily Aroused

3. Hyacinth Jones from A Dissolute Life Means…

4. Cheeky Minx from Love Hate Sex Cake

5. Amy from Anal Amy

6. My Trousers Rolled from My Trousers Rolled

7. Sexual Life of A Wife from Sexual Life of a Wife

8. Dark Gracie from Gracie’s Playground

9.diirrty from d i i r r t y

10. nilla from Vanillamom’s Blog