“Hot Tips For Fucking Girls”

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candy hearts

As I’ve mentioned, one of the best things about having a blog is that you can see what search terms people use to find you. As you can imagine, with a blog titled thefuckingfacts.com, I am privy to what are probably the most pervy Google searches out there.
Lately, a reoccurring theme has become apparent. I’ve studied the patterns and the outcome is this: people really want to know “how to fuck girls”. It seems like all of you have asked Google some variation of this question in the last 30 days. Maybe it’s Lena Dunham’s influence; Girls’ sex scenes can make fucking look awkward as shit and pretty damn confusing. Which, from my personal experience, I would say it often is. I’ve never done it in a construction tube, a-la-Tiny-Furniture, but I have found myself in a fair share of compromising and confounding situations.
Anyway, the point is: as a girl*, this question warms my heart. I love sex. I love it best when the person/people I am doing it with know what they are doing. And really, the only way to know what you are doing is to ask.
To all the earnest, brilliant, thoughtful people brave enough to confess that they do not inherently know how to fuck (who does?), who as a result are probably the very best of lovers (communication is key!), I applaud you. Good job. As a result, I will try my very best to use my woman-powers for the greater good. And so, to answer your question, here are:

 Three Hot Tips For Fucking Girls

Tip 1: Avoid using the word ‘girl’, unless you know they are into it.

Here’s the thing. I am a straight up cis-girl. I was born with female parts, I love my tits and my clit and all those things, and I talk about my menstrual cycle as often as my brother talks about his illogical devotion to The Toronto Maple Leafs (which is to say a lot). And still, I don’t love it when the person I am fucking calls me a girl. When I am watching music vids and curling my hair with my girl pals, then I am a girl, reveling in all the pop-music, bubble-gum ideas of girlhood. But, if you wanna stick your dick or your fingers or whatever in my cunt, then you better call me a fucking woman! I am an adult, with agency, and control and a hot, woman bod, with curves and fat and all the nice things that make me a total womz. I am not “girl”, or “your girl”, or “baby girl”.

My roomie & I, being girls.

My roomie & I, being straight up girlzzz.

But that is just me. This rule may not apply to all people, just like almost every single rule that ever was, really. Some girls LOVE being called girl, and that is cool too. Nothing is hard n’ fast, but maybe  just ask your pal what word they prefer before you start pet-naming them anything at all.

Pluuuusss, the word girl is pretty gendered. Maybe you know the person you are fucking is, much like myself, a woman born with female anatomy who feels comfortable in that identity. But, not everyone is. Some people identify as trans or gender queer. They may have female or male anatomy, but may not identify with the societal category of girl or boy/woman or man. They may not call their bits their penis or their vagina, they may not want to be called he or she, and they may not conform to the traditional and restrictive gender binary. To use gendered language can be hurtful and cis-sexist. To learn more about trans identities, go here. To learn more about some aspects of trans culture, go here or here.

Tip 2: Don’t Assume A Thing, or, Consent Is Hot As Shit

So listen, the truth is, I can’t really tell you “how to fuck a girl”. I could tell you how to fuck me, and I am a girl, but that is not really the same thing.
The snowflake metaphor is always applicable. No two people are alike, and no two people like the same thing. Some girls like having their nipples sucked; some like having their hair pulled; some girls like having their back rubbed; some like missionary; some like it standing up; some girls only want to do it on Fridays; some girls only want to do it with their socks on. Some girls call “sex” penetration. Some girls call “sex” oral. Some girls call “sex” something you have never even imagined before.
What woman want, counter to what that shitty Mel Gibson movie from the 90’s may have taught us, is pretty fucking diverse. As is the definition of sex. Considering all the many variables at play here, answering the question of how to fuck a girl is pretty much impossible. So, I can’t tell you how to please your female friend. But, I bet she can. And so, my advice is to ask her, not Google.

Ask her if she likes her clit to be touched, and how. Ask her if she likes her neck to be kissed. Ask her if she likes penetration. Ask her what she would like to do, how she would like to do it, when she wants to do it, and where.

This kills two birds with one stone (or feeds two birds with one scone, if you find bird-killing metaphors offensive). It teaches you how to be the best fucking lover you can be, because you are listening to your partner’s desires. And, it ensures that you are engaging in sexy times that are totally consensual. Consent is pretty much the hottest thing ever. In this weird, sex-negative world we live in, it can be pretty hard for a person to figure out what they want to do in bed. Practicing good consent, by asking your pal what they want to do/if they like what ya’ll are doing/if they are comfortable, helps both you and your sex-friend ensure you are doing things that you both really, definitely, want to be doing. To learn more about consent, read this awesome article.

Oh, and if you think all this asking business sounds clunky and awkward, don’t worry, it isn’t. Just try it. It could feel weird at first, but practice, throw in some dirty words, and you’ll be asking all the best questions and communicating like a champ in a matter of minutes. Here are some practice sentences you can try at home: “Baby, I want to suck your cock. Do you want that?”; or,  “Does this feel good?/Was that good?”; or,  “You have the most hot fucking bod I have ever seen. Can I touch it in all the places you like best?”.

Thing 3: The Clit Might Be A Safe Bet/Foreplay Is Generally Appreciated

Again, to be doubley clear, I can’t tell you what women want. Some want it fast, some want it slow, some want it rough, some want it soft, some want to top, and some want to bottom. But, I felt like if I didn’t provide at least one practical tip, brains may just explode with my annoyingly theoretical musings and my insistance that there are no right answers, ever. So, a practical tip: it is often true that girls, or women, or anyone at all really, like a bit of foreplay. Rushing into things can sometimes be a good time. A lunch-break quickie, a before-the-kids-get-home get off, a middle of the night fastie (I made that word up) – they can be hella fun. But, often, a bit of warming up goes a long way.

So, if penetrative sex is the end goal for you and your sex-friend, try warming things up before moving on into insertion. Foreplay is great for a few reasons. It gets blood flowing, making genitals erect. It gets the juices…juicing, making genitals wet and making penetration much more slick n’ slippery n’ fun. And it gets the brain in the right position, helping one forget the details of their day and get into the moment.

Foreplay can include some of the following fun things: give the ears and neck some amorous attention with your lips/mouth/teeth; talk dirty!; sweetly stimulate them nipples with fingers, mouths, or even clamps if all parties are down with that; focus on the clit with your fingers or your mouth; REALLY FOCUS ON THE CLIT; and then focus on the clit some more. If both parties have consented, foreplay could also include things like: spanking, bondage, blindfolds, and sex toys! Really, the options are endless, and I encourage ya’ll to experiment with the wealth of fun things bodies can do together before penetration happens.

Oral is a great way to warm up.

Oral is a great way to warm up.

So, them’s the tips.
To sum it all up: the best way to know how to fuck anyone at all in the way that they want, is to ask ’em.
But, I do hope some of the above provides some good initial guidance.

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*I prefer tough-as-fuck woman, but whatever. I’ll go with girl in this instance to conform to internet vernacular.

Getting Wet.

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As a general rule, I try to have sex most Sunday mornings.  I think it is the smartest way to begin my work week. For some folks going to church, confessing their sins, and taking communion puts them on the right foot. For me, I would rather stay in bed, commit multiple sins, and come all over someone. To each their own.

Unfortunately, last Sunday the natural order of things was disrupted. Rather then spending my morning flouting my good, Catholic upbringing I was working. (But then again, I guess my work is not so God-abiding either.) Specifically, last weekend I was working the Everything To Do With Sex Show, a fairly weird sex symposium that travels all around this colonialist nation, selling sex-related wares. My job: teach the people. Teach ’em what? The wonders of wetness. For 30 minutes my co-worker and I stood at the pulpit and expounded the virtues of a quality bottle of lube to all the good people of the world. Now, I’ll do it all for you in simple half-page post. Easy peezy. I’ll break it down for you in terms of what lube goes best with what sex act. I’ll talk vaginal, anal, oral,  solo sex and sex with toys.

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Let’s start at the vagina*.

When it comes to putting lube in that hole, there are two things you may want to avoid. The first is glycerin, the second is parabens. Glycerin is added to a lot of lube because it is real slippery. However it is also a sugar, and what does sugar do? It causes yeast to grow. And where does yeast naturally occur? In vaginas. While all vaginas have some yeast hanging out in ’em all of the time, when yeast grows and multiples in there it can often lead to a yeast infection. So, to avoid that whole itchy, sticky, smelly mess, check the ingredients on your lube and avoid glycerin.

Parabens are also often found in lube (and lots of cosmetics), where they act as a preservative. Consuming them in minute quantities is no bigs. There is usually no immediate symptoms or reactions. The thing about parabens is that they are an estrogen-mimicker, which means they act like estrogen in your body. If you consume a whole lot of them and they build up in your body over time, this may or may not lead to breast cancer. I’m sorry to sound so vague on this – I’m no fucking scientist, but from what I can tell, the science is vague either way. Ultimately, the point I’m making is that like most everything in the world parabens may cause cancer, and lubes with parabens in them may be something you want to avoid.

So, going with lubes that do not contain glycerin or parabens may be a wise decision. Choosing an all-natural lube may also be a smart move if you are experiencing irritation. Some quality, all natural lubes are Sliquid or Probe.

Another thing you may wanna try puttin’ in your pussy is a silicone lube. Water-based lubes are more common, but you can find silicone lubes in sex shops and some drug stores. Unlike water-based lubricants which absorb into your skin, silicone lubes last and last and last and last and last. Like seriously. They feel real slick n’ oily and they don’t absorb into your body so a little goes a long way. Silicone is also hypo-allergenic, so most folks don’t have any reaction to them. I really like a silicone lube, but keep in mind they are more pricey and they can stain your sheets. If you wanna try one out, I recommend Pjur or Swiss Navy.

So those are some options for the vagina: a water-based lube without glycerin or parabens, or a silicone lube. But before I move on to the bum, let me first make a very important point:

USING LUBE DOES NOT MAKE YOU ANY LESS OF A HOT FUCKING BABE, ALRIGHT? 

There is some weird myth abounding that  “real” women get real wet, or if someone is not really wet then they are not really turned on. This is false. While it can be true that vaginas can get wetter the more hot n’ horny someone is, that is not always accurate. Different people produce different amounts of vaginal fluids, and it ain’t no competition. We are not going to collect, measure, and compare the amount of juice we all produce to see whom of us is the sexiest. The truth is, you or your pal may be really into something and may still be sorta dry, or just a little wet, or really super fucking wet but still not wet enough for the kind of penetration ya’ll are about to partake in. So, let the shame go. Adding lube does not indicate you aren’t a serious (and/or a seriously turned on) babe. All it goes to show is that you are in it for the long haul and are totes ready to have a good time.

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So, that’s that. Moving south, from the vagina to the butthole.

Anal sex is both a great time, and a great time to use lube.  Unlike the vagina, the anal sphincter does not self-lubricate, so lubing it up is a wise move. Plus, the walls of the anal canal are super thin and can tear easily.  Using lube is a great way to prevent tearing, have safer sex, and ensure a wet, wild, and positive time for all parties involved.

In this instance, using a thick water-based lube is a good idea. Generally the thicker the lube the longer it tends to last, as it absorbs into your skin less quickly. Sliquid Sassy Booty Gel is one of my personal favourites, and not only for it’s name. That shit is seriously thick. But, if that one is not doing it for you, you could also try Maximus, another nice gel-like lubricant.

Silicone is another great option here, as it is mega slick. Its long-lasting power makes it ideal for anal play, seeing as the bum is so absorbant. Where as water-based lubes can all feel different, from thick to thin, stringy to sticky, silicone lubricants really all feel pretty much the same: oily. One is not necessarily better than any other, so going with the brands mentioned above works just dandy.

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And from there, I wanna give ya a little quickie about lubing up for oral adventures.

Why would you lube up a penis you are about to blow, a pussy you are about to eat, or whatever? Well, why not? To reiterate: everything is better when it is wetter, and this includes oral. For one thing, oral can lead to penetrative sex, and so lubing that shit up right off the bat starts you off on the good foot. And another thing – I don’t know about ya’ll, but my mouth can get pretty dry when I’m nervous. Sometimes, going down on someone is a nerve-wracking experience and a dry, old mouth ensues.  Rubbing a sandpaper tongue all over a sweet clit or a lovely cock can be weird and hurt-y and not that much fun for either the giver or the receiver. Adding lube really eliminates any possible dry-tongue induced chaffing and makes the act of licking or sucking way easier.

When it comes to oral, water-based or silicone-based lubes work. Silicone may not be something you want to ingest in large quantities, but pouring it on someone’s junk and pouring the bottle directly into your mouth are different things, so don’t sweat it.

Water-based lubes are safe to ingest in small quantities too, especially the natural ones. If you wanted to spice things up here, you could throw in a flavoured water-based lube.When I teach B.J workshops, people talk ALOT about not liking the taste of their pal’s parts. Personally, I’m into that musky odour, but if you just don’t love it and bathing is no remedy, then flavoured lube can do a great masking job. Or, if you’re just not into performing oral, it can make the act more tasty n’ fun. Something to keep in mind here is that lubricants that are flavoured often contain glycerin, because that is what makes them taste so sweet. When shopping for a flavoured lube, try and search out something that uses aspartame or stevia as a sweetener instead of straight-up sugar, to prevent against possible yeast infections. Some options are Hathor Flavours or Sliquid Swirl lubes.

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Next, lemme say a lil’ thing about lube for those solo times.

When enjoying some autonomous exploration, lube is a nice thing to bring on your “journey of self-discovery” (actual euphemism I once heard to describe jerkin’ it). If your female-bodied, adding lube is super exciting because even if you aren’t really feeling it initially putting lube on your bod signals to your brain that you are ready to go into the sexy zone. And using lube if your male-bodied is nice because hands and peens* generally don’t get all that wet on their own (unless you have intensely sweaty palms). While foreskins do produce a bit of their own natural lubricant,  it is generally not a whole lot. So, water-based or silicone-based lubes are both totes applicable for masturbating, but in the solo scenario you also have another fun option: oil-based lubricants! Using an oil-based lube with a partner whom you are practicing safe-sex with is a bad plan, as oil breaks down latex and would eat right through that dental dam/condom/glove. So, it is only when your playing on your own (or with a fluid-bonded partner) that you can really test out the staying power of margarine, coconut butter, or olive oil. They even have special oil-based lube especially for these moments, such as this one called Boy Butter. Just a word of precaution though: some folks are into using coconut oil and the like because it is so natural, but do keep in mind that not all bodies can get into it. Oil-based cooking accessories may be great in baked goods but may be irritating to sensitive holes.

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And one final thing: there is something you should know when it comes to throwing an inanimate friend (aka a sex toy) into the mix.

Using lubes with toys is fun because a) they don’t produce their own juices, and b) lubricant helps transfer vibrations from a toy to a body, letting you feel all the fun a little better. However, some lubricants and toys do not play nice together. Specifically, it is not the best plan to use a silicone lube with a silicone or a cyberskin toy. While with plastic, glass, or even some jelly vinyl toys silicone can do the trick just dandy,  with a silicone or cyberskin toy the lube will bond to the toy. It becomes impossible to remove, leaving your toy feeling slightly sticky and eventually causing it to break down, leaving funny marks on it and degrading the material. Sticking with a water-based lubes for these types of toys is a safe bet.

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So, there you have some basic information. But it is always helpful to talk to someone on staff at your local sex shop for what lube would work best for you. It is always a true thing that all bodies are different and have different wants & needs.

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* I used the word “vagina” for ease of clarity. I want to make sure ya’ll know what I’m talking about. But, it is important to note that that may not be what everyone calls their bits. Some folks are not into the word vagina, and would rather call it their cunt or their pussy. Other folks identify as transgendered or genderqueer, and would rather call that part of their bod their front hole, or hole, or something else entirely. It is important to never assume what someone calls their parts, or what pronoun they may use.

*I again used the word peen there for ease of understanding, but please keep in mind that may not be what some folks call it. Some may refer to is as their clit, their bits, or their stuff, for example.

P in the V (The P Edition)

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So I’ve got this pal, let’s call him John, who loves to criticize me generally  and my blog more specifically. He particularly gets irritated by my overuse of the oxford comma, obvious spelling mistakes, and a lack of male perspective. This last point, the missing male gaze, is a valid one (actually, they are maybe all valid) and it came to light in particular when I wrote the post titled “P in the V” a couple months ago. Ol’ Johnny argued that for an essay specifically about hetero-style doin’ it, I largely ignored issues of the peen. True point. We tried to amend this concern through a collaborative blog post, both of us writing about the minor mishaps that may affect a cock during penetrative, P in the V sex.

The result was a mostly offensive back and forth, full of jokes that probably only he and I find funny and that would seriously alienate anyone else reading. After weeks of arguing and editing, the results were ultimately unpublishable.

But, John’s criticism stands. As a proud and fierce cunt-owner, I tend to get a little overly pussy-focused sometimes.

And so, here I bring you P in the V, The P Edition, where I present to you my years of qualitative research concerning peens and some shit that can come up when one is trying to consensually put one in a vajay. I may not have a dick, but I have handled a few in my time.

You accidentally put the P in the A:

So, sometimes when shit is getting real hot n’ heavy and there is a lot of thrusting and fluids and hands everywhere, a person can slip up and accidentally stick their dick (or almost stick it) in the wrong hole. It makes sense. Everything is so wet and happening so fast, and the V and and A are actually fairly close together, y’know?  And while anal sex can be one sweet fucking time, a surprise and accidental insertion such as that can hurt like wild.

The proper and polite thing to do should you find yourself in this problematic (but understandable!) position is as follows: Remove the P from the A. Apologize profusely. Explain that it was a mistake, and that while you may be interested in anal banging sometime (if that is, in fact, an interest you have), you know that this is an issue that ya’ll should discuss before you just stick it in there. Should the Total Mega Babe in question still feel like doing it, change condoms (buttholes have bacteria in them that should not get in the vajay) and continue with P in the V, carefully.

The P is too big for the V ( & vice versa ):

The point that I am trying to make here is that V’s and P’s come in all shapes n‘ sizes.
For instance, you may find yourself with a babe who’s V is not wide enough for your girthy P. But rest assured, pussies have the potential to expand to remarkable sizes. I mean think about it, whole entire human beings can come out of that hole! What you need is time, lube, and patience. If someone is turned on, the vaginal muscles can more easily stretch, so in this situation, focus on the foreplay and that whole very important clit part. And adding lube is always a good idea, but here it’s a fucking brilliant one. If her vagina is just too small for ya’ll, lube will make any potential painful thrusting a whole lot smoother. And of course – thrust slow! Your aim is to make her feel good, not bad! Lastly, if you do have a V and your partner is much wider than you, you can always use a dilator (a set of cylinders graduating in size) to expand your vagina and get your vaginal muscles more accustomed to penetration on your own terms.

If you find yourself in the reverse situation of this one, and you are with someone whose V is wider than your P, the V owner in question can always do some kegel exercises so that the muscles inside the vagina can more effectively contract. The pubococcygeus muscles (or PC muscles) are the muscles of the pelvic floor which hold all your reproductive system in place. When a person orgasms, these muscles  contract. So, having stronger PC muscles is a good thing, because it makes your orgasms feel stronger, and  can make your vaginal muscles contract more tightly around a peen (thereby addressing the problem of a too-wide V). To exercise these muscles, you can use Ben Wa (or Kegel) Balls. Kegel Balls are meant to be inserted inside the vagina, giving your body something to contract around. Put ’em in for roughly 20 minutes a day and squeeze around ’em, to strengthen your biznezz. Or, if you can isolate the PC muscles on your own, without using a set of exercise balls to help you, you can do that too. Here’s a hint: to find your PC muscles, try stemming the flow of urine while you’re on the can. Can you do it? That is your PC muscles at work. Now that you know where they are, try contracting them in sets of ten, three times a day.

The P Won’t Come!:

In his helpful response, my buddy John attributed this conundrum to the crushing of cans. And the man has got a point: drinking vast quantities of alcohol, as we often do, can really slow that shit down. In this situation, when you are just too drunk to come, you really only have one of two options. Number one: you and your friend can engage in some seriously drunken and consensual revalery, going to unmatchable feats and finding never-been-done-before  positions in an attempt to help you get off. Or, number two: you can accept defeat, have some fun without coming, and then roll over and grab some shut eye in preparation for tomorrow’s inevitable hang over.

But, if you are having a hard time coming and it is not in fact related to how much gooning you’ve been doing, you could be experiencing delayed ejaculation. Some can come by their own hand like it ain’t no thang, but then they find themselves with a lover (or two, or four) and they get stage fright, like when you were a kid and couldn’t piss in public bathrooms. Delayed ejaculation has been linked to many potential causal factors, both emotional/psychological and physiological. Unfortunately, there is no one right answer or “cure” to make ya come, so you may need to talk to a doc if this is really cramping your style.

The P Won’t Get Hard!

Here again John brought up whisky dick and the consumption of too much chach as causal factors if you find yourself with a P that won’t get hard. And again, man’s got a point. The consumption of alcohol can really fuck with your sexy shit, and make your leaky house lazy, your schnitzel shy, or your flesh flute fallow. If this is the situation, what you gotta do is much like my advice offered above. You can either a) engage in some heavy cardio activity trying to get yer Little (or Big, whatever) Guy up and at it; or b) accept that your dick is just not in it and take this as a perfect opportunity to use your hands to get your buddy off.

However, there are a also a whole lot of other potential reasons for this particular predicament, such as spinal cord injury, aging, nerves, diabetes, anxiety, and medications, to name only a few. Sometimes, this issue will right itself with time. Other times, doctors can prescribe medications that alleviate the problem. And  of course, there are always toys that can be used to help a P get hard and stay hard, such as penis pumps (draw blood to the peen, making it erect), and cock rings (worn around the shaft of the penis to stem blood flow out, forcing the peen to stay erect).

There are really so many other junk-related jams I could have tried to de-bunk here. Just like V’s, P’s can have a whole bundle of hang ups and hold ups and straight up screw ups. But ultimately, at the end of most days, doin’ it is a pretty good time, and is quite often worth risking any and all embarrassing moments for.

P in the V

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If you have been reading diligently, you may remember that I don’t really consider sex to mean the ol’ traditional P in the V manouveur. Sex can be that, for sure, but it can also be F in the V, P in the B, V on the TH, M on the A, H on the S, and any number of pleasurable and clever acronyms. What I mean is: sex can be whatever, and does not necessarily involve putting a penis in a vagina. It doesn’t even necessarily mean penetration.

However, I do field a lot of questions at work about P in the V type sex. This is probably because many awkward and potentially life altering things can and do arise when a vajay is penetrated by a semen-producing bologna pony. This type of sex can mean multiple orgasms, but it can also mean multiple bladder infections.
So, for the benefit of public interest and safety, and in the hope of alleviating some shame and concerns, I thought I would try and issue some advice and dispel some myths, here & now.
Let’s thrust right into it.

Pussy Farts leavin’ the V: Something that can happen when you’re having penetrative sex is….pussy farts. It’s true. I know it is kind of a disgusting word coupling and a bit of a socially awkward topic of conversation, but it is also a very common experience. It is so common that I wonder why we still talk about it with red cheeks and hushed voices. Pussy farts, or queefs, or varts, are as naturally occurring as hiccups. What happens is this: as the vagina is penetrated air is pushed inside. The air then gets trapped inside the body, because the dick or the hand or the whatever is plugging it in there. As thrusting happens, as “the plug” pulls in and out, the air is released, making a cute little (or sometimes big) fart sound. There is nothing I can really tell you to avoid this happening. You can’t really fuck in some magical way that eliminates this issue. The only resolution is realizing it’s hilarious, and not even worrying about it for a second. For reals. I’m sure you and whomever you’re fucking have heard the sound before, and will hear it again, and you shouldn’t let it inhibit your good time.

Pre-Cum…uh, coming into the V: Pre-cum is so called because it comes out real quick. Ya’ll are just getting going, and bam, a clear, viscous liquid is oozing on out. This is pre-cum, and though it looks a lot like semen, it is chemically different. Often people ask if they can get preggers from pre-cum. Because that shit zips out so quick n’ easy, it is always finding it’s way into problematic places. Well, the answer is still sort of up for debate. Studies show pre-cum does not necessarily have sperm in it, in fact it usually doesn’t. However, if a penis has ejaculated recently there could still be sperm hanging out in the urethra, at which point it could mix in with the pre-cum and exit the body. So, it could maybe knock you up, and if that’s not what you’re looking for then you want to avoid getting this inside of you. And, not only can pre-cum maybe have sperm in it, but it can also contain STIs, such as HIV, gonorrhea, or chlamydia. So, unless you know the status of your partner(s), and if you don’t feel like gettin’ a baby, pre-cum is not something you want in the V.

Broken Condoms getting stuck in the V: Condoms are a great way to avoid getting the aforementioned pre-cum in your vag. However, condoms can sometimes break. This may happen if the condom does not fit properly; was not put on correctly; if it was old or had been weakened by exposure to heat, oil, the sun or other chemicals; or  if there was a lot of friction without much lubrication. If this happens and part of the rubber remains in ya, just reach in and pull it on out. The vagina is a closed cavern, so things can’t get too lost up there. The more problematic part of this situation is that you may have ejaculate in your vagina. This can put you at risk to contracting STIs, and so you should go to your doctor or nearest sexual health clinic and ask for a pap smear and an STI test. (Remember that some STIs can have a 3 to 6 month incubation period, so you might want to go back and get checked out again later.) This can also put you at risk of getting pregnant, and so again, if this is not what you want, you should go to the nearest pharmacy and pick up Plan B, aka The Morning-After-Pill.

UTI’s/Bladder Infections messing up the V: Something else that is about as common as the ol’ aforementioned vart is the bladder infection-induced-by-sex. It is such a fucking bummer. All ya wanna do is bask in that  “I just had great sex!” high, but instead your spending all your time having frequent burning, pees. This is because when you have penetrative sex all the thrusting pushes bacteria that lives in and around your vagina and rectum up into your urethra. There are some things you can do to try and prevent this. Washing your junk before and after sex can help eliminate the possibility of contraction. And sometimes trying different positions can be helpful too. Other helpful daily tips are drinking a lot of water or cranberry juice. Drinking lots of water flushes out your system, and cranberry juice stops some bacteria from living in your bladder. But, if it’s too late and you’re right in the thick of an infection, you may have to drop in on the doc and get anti-biotics.

There is a whole lot more I could say here. A whack of shit, both bad and good, can arise when it comes to your bits. And of course, this has been a pretty cunt heavy advice section, but cocks have their own issues too. There is not getting it up, breaking it, coming too quick, and coming too slow, to name a few. Sex is an endless topic, and I’m not really an expert. If you’re having more P in the V related conundrums, check out the Halifax Sexual Health Centre, or your own local equivalent.

Fucking Frosh

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Frosh Week is just wrapping up in Halifax. For the last seven days the sexual energy in the city has been palpable – we can feel the frosh sizing each other up & eyeing each other down all the way from South to North.

During Frosh week, I get all this sexual energy thrown at me in full. See, it’s my job to do the Frosh sex talks. I stand in front of crowds and crowds of students and talk dirty to ‘em. I talk about sex toys and the importance of fucking yourself; my co-workers talk about safe sex and consent, and the importance of fucking others safely.  After we have laid out our spiel, we field their questions.  What this looks like: 800 students yelling over one another to us 3 bewildered babes. Generally, it’s hard to make out what the fuck anyone is saying. Words come to the surface of the mass of sound, words like “blow job”, “shaving”, “squirting”, and “POO!?”.

This past year, amidst the noise, a few questions did come up again and again and again. Considering the repeat nature of these queries, I thought it just may be worth answering these questions online, for ya’ll to see. Maybe you too are also wondering about water sex?

                    Question 1:  How do you give the best blowjob?

This was the most predictable question we got. People ask me about blow jobs essentially all the fucking time, so hearing it from the Frosh was no shocker. Seriously. I’ll be buying my groceries and the clerk will be like “But really, about that deep throating”. It is absurd how hot a topic fellatio is. Luckily, the frequency of which I am asked this question has allowed me to break it down into three short n’ sweet lil’ tips (though I do recommend coming to a blow job workshop at Venus Envy if you really wanna know):

Tip 1)  The wetter the better. Get some serious saliva on that cock. And if you are having a hard time doing that, add some lube. Some people really like using a flavoured
lube in this instance, but I personally find that shit gross. Its like filling my mouth with fluoride when I’m really just trying to enjoy getting someone off. So, I go for a
simple, taste-less, water-based lube.

Tip 2) Don’t forget the balls. While this isn’t true all of the time (nothing really is), a lot of people like a little bit of scrotal action while there shaft is being sucked. So
bring ’em into your palm and gently rub ’em around. Gentle is a key word here. Punching, kicking, pulling, or otherwise rough-handling balls is not typically
appreciated.

Tip 3) Enjoy it! And this goes for all sex acts, really. It is not generally fun for anyone to be doing something with their lover(s) if it seems like said lover is performing
a chore. So, have fun when you’re giving head and let the person know that you are into it. Make some hot eye contact. Moan a little bit, while the dick is in your
mouth. Say something dirty, like “I love having your cock in my mouth.” Essentially, communicating that you’re having a good time is hot.

                             Question 2:  Is having sex in the water a good idea?

I had no idea getting wild in the water was so trendy, but considering how many times this one came up, it must be. Personally, I had never really thought much about fucking in a body of water, mostly because to me it sounds more like a mess of awkward and flailing limbs than a synchronized, sexy performance. But, I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad idea. It could be completely do-able. However, there are a few things one should keep in mind if they really wanna get down and dirty in the public pool.

Thing A) Condoms and water are not like peanut butter and jam. That is to say, they don’t go hand in hand. Hot water and chemicals, like chlorine, can effect a
condoms durability, making it hard for ya’ll to be safe about it. Plus, all that water makes it more likely that the condom will slip off.

Thing B) Vaginas and water are not necessarily allies either. While getting plain old bath water all up in there may not be so bad, the bacteria and chemicals that hang out in
pools and hot tubs can be irritating and yeast-infection inducing.

Thing C) Fucking in the water actually makes things more dry. The water washes away all that sweet n’ sticky natural vaginal lubricant people produce. So, using a
silicone lube, which is impervious to water, is a good idea.

                               Question 3:  Can all girls squirt?

We got asked this one a whole lot. Where as I had no idea what squirting was until I was like, 23, apparently every first year university student in Halifax is pretty interested in making it happen. To answer concisely: yes, every person born with a vulva has the capacity to “squirt”, or ejaculate. Ejaculation occurs when the G-Spot (aka the urethral sponge), which is located just inside the vaginal opening, is stimulated. To find your (or your pal’s) G-Spot, get real turned on. The G-Spot swells when you are stimulated, so start with some good ol’ fashioned foreplay. Then, reach your fingers into the vagina and curl them up towards the belly button, in a classic “come hither” motion. You just may feel a slightly swollen area, roughly the size of a dime. That’s the G-Spot. If you push on it, it just may feel real good. If you push on it for a long time, and are feelin’ real hot n’ heavy, you just may ejaculate. I use the words “just may” intentionally. For some people, making this happen ain’t no thang (though I have a hard time believing that some can project that shit across the room the way you see in some porn). For others, it can feel like it’s nearly impossible. My advice is to practice. Practice,  read about it, try some toys, and mostly don’t get discouraged. Sex is sex. Squirting may be great, but ultimately, having fun and feeling good should be your end goal, not gushing all over your hot little hand.

Coming? What? Where? When? Uh, Maybe?

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“I’ve never had one.”
“It maybe happened, like, once, or something, but I’m not sure.”
“Uh, maybe?”

Considering the gross uncertainty surrounding this missing thing, you’d think the item in question was something more elusive, like a visit from the spirit of MJ.
Unfortunately, I’m actually just talking about coming.
Having an orgasm – it ain’t always easy.
Some people can pop ’em out at the snap of their fingers; can come against a bike seat while pushing uphill; can make themselves O in a bathroom stall on their lunch break.
Others of us aren’t so prolific.
For some of us, coming can be a process that involves heavy machinery, 45 minutes of alone time, Prince records, and/or yoga-like bodily contortions.
And then there are some who worry that they just can’t have ’em at all.
At least once a week, if not more, I speak with someone who has yet to successfully rub one out, has not yet had that thigh-shakin’, toe-curlin’, hip-thrustin’ Big One.
Elusive orgasms – they are definitely not an anomaly.

There are a loads of things I can recommend you buy if you are having a hard time makin’ yer pussy purr, yer cunt come, or yer bits bark. Vibrators, dildos, books, stimulating gels, lubes, kegel balls, classes – orgasms are a lucrative market. And while I kind of hate telling someone to purchase their way into better sex, I also think some of these things are THE BEST. (I’ll fill you in on the best of the best at the end of this little blurb.)

But, if you don’t feel like droppin’ dollas like they hot just to make yourself squeal,  luckily for you, I have done all the research.
Reading the books, trying the toys, using the gels, teaching the classes – it’s actually my job.
I’m no expert. I’m smart enough to know that all bodies are different, all parts perform in their own particular way, and there are no definitive right answers.
However, there are some things that I have found helpful to know, both in figuring out my own orgasms and in hearing from other people about theirs.
So, here’s a list of things to know, or to try, or to watch, that could help ya reach the peak.

1. The Clit*

Maybe this is obvious to you. Everyone knows about the clitoris right? Well, speak for yourself. I didn’t figure out how great it was until I was 20. We aren’t taught about our anatomy in a way that is all that helpful. We learn about safe sex and menstruation, not feelin’ good and gettin’ off. I was told about my ability to get pregnant but not what my clitoris was or how nice it feels. And I was also taught, somewhere along the way in all those weird messages we are fed as children, that girls don’t masturbate. Needless to say, it took me a while to find that sweet spot.
So, if like me, you are late to understanding the clitoris, there are some things you should know about it.
For one, the head of the clitoris has more nerve endings per square inch than any other part of the human body. That is two to four times more than the head of the penis. It’s a part of our bodies that is purely for pleasure, which is pretty awesome. It is also pretty big. We can see the cute li’l head protruding, but what we don’t see is the clitoral legs, stretching all the way down through our labia. The clit is actually one big powerhouse of pleasure, and stroking it is often crucial to coming. According to Masters & Johnson, it takes on average 20 minutes of “direct clitoral stimulation” to reach orgasm.
Try some of that “direct clitoral stimulation”. Start gentle. All those nerve endings mean things can feel pretty good, but they can feel not so good too, if you’re too rough. Use some lube and gently stroke around your outer lips. Keep things wet and stoke the clit, lifting the clitoral hood. Try different pressures, speeds and directions. Take your time. Move your hot little fingers up and down and around and around.  Be patient and keep practising. If you wanna up the ante, or if your wrists are just too damn tired, try some vibrations (my personal favourites are recommended below).
Bottom line – give yer clit some direct, uninterrupted attention. Treat it like it’s the latest episode of Girls and it just can’t be missed.

2. Go It Alone vs. Doin’ It Together

According to the stats, it’s way easier to get yourself off if your goin’ solo. A whoppin’ 34% of women*  say the easiest way to come is through masturbation.
This makes a whole lotta sense to me. It’s way easier to fuck other people well if you know how to fuck yourself well. If your trying to achieve an O with a pal, there are so many other things that you are probably thinking about, like : “Are they having fun?”; “Am I doing this right?” ; “Do I look skinny?”. It’s pretty fucking distracting.
So, it would make sense that having your own self-lovin’ sesh would better facilitate the attainment of that climactic euphoria.
However, I personally find that fucking yourself can be just as distracting as fucking someone else. When your with someone else it can be so easy to get caught up in how hot they are that you can forget yourself in the moment and just roll on into all those hot n’ dirty muscle contractions that are an orgasm. Their are hands & hair & sweat & body parts & lube everywhere and it’s hot as shit. I could come just thinking about it.
But then, when your on your own, there is no one to keep you in the moment. You can start fucking yourself and then remember the dishes you didn’t do, the friend you forgot to call back, the emails you have to write at work, etc., etc., etc.
Maybe you aren’t as embarrassingly Type A as I am and can just fucking chill out for long enough to fuck yourself.
But, if you do find getting in the hot n’ bothered head space all on your own a bit of a trial, here’s what I recommend.

Take time and don’t rush it.
Don’t mechanically think  about moving your fingers and how your body feels and wonder if you are doing it right for yourself. Fantasize! Think about that hot sex you had last week, or maybe last year. Or think about the hot sex you would like to have. Think about how hot you are, how good your belly looks, how smooth your skin is, how sexy it is to see your own hand slippin’ slowly south.
Play some Prince, or some other sultry sounds to keep you focused in on the moment.
Make some sounds n’ move around. Breath heavy and moan. Thrust your hips up into the air, throw your knees above your head, writhe around a li’l bit. Just get into it. As soon as you start thinking about your endless To-Do List change positions, think about hot tits or big dicks or whatever it is you’re into. Visual aids – books n’ movies – can be pretty helpful on this account, and I listed my favourites below.

3. It may not be thigh-shakin’, tue-curlin’, hip-thrustin’ and life-changin’.

Another truth about orgasms is that they aren’t always the way we see ’em on T.V and in porn. Sometimes one can go totally bat-shit cray, and heave around like a wild animal, making inarticulate noises. Sometimes it may feel like your whole body is alive and you have some sort of life-altering epiphany, like ” I was made to be touched and I am actually just a cat that looks like a woman.”
But other times, it’s just a quiet and calm feeling of intense pleasure. Or it’s maybe just a warm n’ wet feeling. It can be subtle and serene and short.
And I, personally, believe that these nice feelings are just as valid and enjoyable and worth-having as those all-over-body-quaking events that are always portrayed.
I read in a book once that many people who weren’t sure if they had an orgasm or not had actually just experienced “intense pleasure” and not a “real orgasm”, because surely, if you had an O, you would know. But, I think that’s a load of shit. What’s the difference between a “real orgasm” and “intense pleasure”? Isn’t an orgasm intensely pleasurable? And why would one of these things be better than the other?
Orgasms, like bodies, come in all shapes and sizes. If you are experiencing intense pleasure, or real nice feelings, or a pretty damn good time, just roll with that. Stop worrying over whether or not you are having the “Real” Thing. Just enjoy what it is that you are experiencing, rather than comparing it to what it is that you have been told you should feel, or what you have seen on youporn.

4. Things To Buy (THE BEST)

And, if the above points aren’t giving you what you’re looking for, here are some thing that I think are really worth buying. I use the word Best, and the following is certainly the best for me, but you should try out other things and check out your own local sex shop for suggestions. What’s best for me isn’t necessarily what’s best for you.

The Best Book: I Love Female Orgasm by Solot and Miller

The Best DVD: Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Female Orgasms

The Best External Vibrator: Siri by Lelo

The Best Internal Vibrator: The Boss by Fun Factory

The Best Stimulating Gel: O My! 

The Best Porn To Watch: Crash Pad (kinda queer) or Matinee (sorta straight)

The Best Porn To Read: Carole Queen’s The Leather Daddy & The Femme (kinda queer) or anything by Alison Tyler (sorta straight)

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*Clit, or clitoris, is a gendered term. You may have a clit and not call it that, or you may have a vulva and not call it that, or you may have a vagina and not call it that too. A person’s bits don’t necessarily correspond to their gender identity. For ease of communication, I used the word clit here, but call your parts what you will and don’t ever go assuming what other people may or may not call theirs.

* “Women” is the term the surveys use, and I am assuming they are referring to cis-gendered women. But as stated above, the term woman is fluid and can refer to different sorts of people with different sorts of parts.

Go Finger Fuck Yourself.

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Two babely friends of mine,  A and T, recently put out an awesome, inspiring, titillating, panty-dropping, ‘zine.
The subject matter: orgasms.
A and T, being both babely and brilliant, got in touch with a whole bunch’a folks and said “Listen, we want to talk about women’s orgasms, and we wanna talk about ’em now.”
Well, I am paraphrasing. What they actually said:

“We all have different bodies, so it makes sense that we would have different orgasms. With this in mind we have collected personal stories about women’s orgasms and made them into this ‘zine to hopefully help other women better understand that their pleasure is theirs alone and not what society says it should be. We recognize that gender is fluid and performative, and that “woman” is an unstable category, and thus we welcomed submissions from anyone who has ever identified as a woman.”

Pretty smart, right? I love this point, and I love this ‘zine. It has inspired me to rethink coming, masturbating, fucking, and feeling pleasure, and these are the kinds’a things I was already thinking about all day every day.
It has made me want to write about clitoral orgasms.
It has made me want to write more about the infamous G-Spot O.
I want to write about different kinds of coming,
about self-induced coming,
about the feeling of that earth-shakin’, heart-poundin’, thigh-quakin’ orgasm,
and the just as valid feeling of that quiet-warmth-that-creeps-up-inside-you-gently-orgasm.

Because A and T are totally right. The societal pressures put on women to simultaneous be both sluts & sweethearts makes our ability to quantify, identify and experience our own pleasure on our own terms pretty fucking difficult. It is so hard to just feel straight up good in yer bod without worrying if the other person is feeling good, if you are looking good, if you are doing it right, if this really is an orgasm, plus a whole big butt-load of  other unnameable insecurities.

So, I am going to write more about all that next week – about coming on our own terms, by our own hands. Unfortunately, these days my fingers are too busy doing…other, more interesting things…and I haven’t had a spare second to write a whole new fresh post. And so, in lieu of hot tips on finger fucking yourself and attaining that elusive O, I am instead going to reprint for you here my entry in The Orgasm Zine. I promise to post more helpful information next week. In the meanwhile, please consider this half-true story some erotic inspiration.

Better yet, if you want some real, serious, turn-you-on-and-lay-you-out stimulation, and you happen to be in Halifax, Nova Scotia, you should come see myself and a slew of other folks read our own orgasm accounts…aloud…in public.

The date: this Wednesday, June 20th.
The time: 8 pm.
The place: One Block Barber Shop.

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Girls Just Do*

When I was younger, I thought girls just didn’t.
My boyfriends would touch me with their calloused farm-hand hands, and I would think: “Oh, that feels nice.”
But I never thought I could touch myself too. Masturbating was for Boys Only. Girls didn’t get to control their coming.
Then, my cousin moved in.
With five years on me, she had it all figured out. She knew how to make Kraft Dinner and how to count cards; she knew that girls do it to, and she even knew that girls could do it with each other.
Best of all, she knew about Prince.

My cousin would have her girlfriends over and I knew that behind locked doors, they were doing more than painting their nails and reading Tiger Beat. I knew they were touching each other, bodies pressed tight together, hands searching between the tight folds of tight denim.
I would be outside the door, my ear pressed tight to the wood, my hands pressed tight to my chest, my thighs pressed tight together, and wondering:  “What magic tricks do they know?”

But, I didn’t have the words to ask. So instead, I turned to Prince.

When the house was empty I would sneak into the basement (then a bedroom for familial refugees) and steal her Prince records. ‘Cream’,’ Gett Off’, ‘Little Red Corvette’, and ‘Raspberry Beret’ would ricochet through the house at full volume.
It was Prince who taught me where to put my hands.
His voice would slide over the lines:

“It’s your time,
you got the horn so why don’t you blow it?
You are fine,
you’re filthy cute and baby you know it.”

and I would slide down my underwear.
He would shout out:

“I clocked the jizz from a friend of yours named Vanessa Bet.
She said you told her a fantasy that got her all wet, wet.
Something about a little box with a mirror and a tongue inside.”

and my fingers would slip down between my legs, my body shouting out to be touched.

While Prince sang about needing her body from dusk ‘til dawn, I learned my own body.
I learned how to work my clit, move my fingers in circles ‘til I was throbbing, ‘til my legs were shaking.
I learned up-strokes, down-strokes, and backwards strokes, moving one finger and then two in endless patterns, making my whole, small, self quiver.
I learned how to dip my fingers inside me, curl them up and press hard, and then even harder.
I learned that I could make myself come even quicker than my boyfriends; that my soft fingers were even more proficient than their rough ones. I learned that girls do it to, that I could do it to.

Girls just do.

* For the sake of my flabbergasted family members reading this post: this story is in part fiction. I do have a bevy of older, smarter, better-looking, and queerer cousins who I have been following around and mimicking my entire life. Some of them have, at times, lived in my parents’ basement and some of them do LOVE Prince. But, I swear, I never listened in at the door, and that wasn’t me who borrowed (and scratched) your CDs, I swear.