Dirty Smut // “Fuck Me Anywhere”

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It is an unfortunate truth in my life, quite probably in the lives of many of us, that hours and hours of my valuable time have been wasted reading terrible books.
There are just so many out there it can be hard to avoid them.
This is especially true of erotic “literature”. The quotations are intentional. I have read smutty stories that need a thesaurus so bad it makes my teeth hurt; that require spell check so severely that my potential orgasm shrivels up and dies. It is brutal! I am just trying to read some words while I get off, and my digital explorations are constantly being halted by an endless barrage of spelling errors and poor plot lines.
Reading “Fifty Shades of Grey”, which I admit I did (everybody was doing it!), was especially trying.
But while it was trying, it was also inspirational. If E.L James is getting published, why can’t I? If she can do it, then I am sure I can probably write some smutty stories, and write ’em in a way that’s real dirty and real good. Or at least I would hope so.

Below is my attempt at some pure n’ sexy dirt.  Delivered right here, from me to you. Feast your eyes. Keep one hand free and at the ready. It is not perfect, it is only my first try, but I do use the best words, like ‘cunt’, and ‘pussy’ and ‘NOW’.

Furthermore, before we begin, the following filth revolves around two people, one of whom is a person with a disability. This has a point. As I’ve written before, the sexual health needs of persons with disabilities is my priority. I strongly and firmly believe, above all else, that all bodies, regardless of their abilities, gender, class, race, etc. have the right to healthy sexual expression. Nothing about not being able to stand makes a person less hot; having less arm function does not correlate with not being a Total Mega Babe. What I’m trying to say is: a person’s level of ability does not limit their sexuality in anyway. I have said it before, and I will keep saying it again & again & again. And so below, is one way of saying it. A real juicy jam for ya, featuring a disabled person.

Oh, and one last thing. A warning: this is erotica in every sense of the word. The following is some deep n’ dirty, no-holds-barred smut. Only read on if you’re into that.

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Fuck Me Anywhere

The bar was hot and crowded. Bodies pressed against bodies, beats pressed against ear drums, and all I wanted was for them* to press me against the wall. I wanted to be held up against the wall and fucked. I wanted their hands to push against me so hard they would leave marks. That feeling of being held up, thrown around, pressed on and pried at until I am completely pliable – that’s what I wanted more than anything.

“I need to go to the bathroom,” I yelled up at them. The music carried my quiet voice away and so I propelled myself forward, my wheels gently knocking their ankles so that they stumbled back a little, their ass falling against me. They were straddling my chair now, their weight on top of me, and even this contact, having their sweaty back pressed against my chest, our bodies still fully clothed, felt like too much. I wanted it so bad.

“I need to go to the bathroom,” I said again, and to make my point clear, I pulled their earlobe into my mouth, drawing the soft skin between my sharp teeth.

They looked at me, obediently. They were as ready as I was.

People cleared a path for us as we went deeper into the bar. We  reached our destination and entered the one-room wheelchair bathroom together. In situations like this, I sometimes wonder what people are thinking. Do they think my lover is only my assistant, helping me transfer onto the toilet? Does anyone suspect that what we do in these private places and darkened corners is not always about my disability, but is most often just about pure pleasure? We are usually just fucking each other in these bathrooms, a thin wall separating us from the public. The people at the party outside have no idea what kind of highs we are reaching in these stolen moments, and their ignorance just makes me wetter.

We were alone together in the grimy room and I wanted everything. I wanted it all, and all at once. I wanted them in my mouth, wanted them to cram their fingers down my throat with one hand while their other hand reached inside me. I wanted to feel full of them.
But I made myself wait.
Sweat had dripped down and pooled in my clavicle. “Lick it”, I told them, and their rough tongue complied, scratching against my skin, making my cunt wet.
“Take my shirt off,” and the silk was being pulled up over my head, exposing my tits to the hot, muggy air. My nipples were already hard, and they bent over me, pulling first one and then the other into their mouth.
“Now, put me..,” I began, but they interrupted.
“No, my turn,” they said.

We have this problem, the two of us. Two controlling people wanting to call all the shots, wanting to fuck and be fucked exactly the way we want, wanting to say how it’s going to be. But, sometimes I like being told what to do as much as I like doing the telling.

They didn’t tell me what to do but instead made me do it, putting my body exactly where they wanted it, controlling me, contorting me. They lifted me out of my chair and I was up against the wall. I held onto the bars, supporting myself with my arms. I can do this, but they know it makes me tired. They know that when they have me here like this, up against the wall and waiting, that they better fuck me and they better fuck me hard and fast until I am coming all over them, falling into their arms with the intensity of it all.

With one hand they pulled my hair, wrapped it tight around their fist so my head was pulled to the side, exposing my neck for their teeth to bite into. With the other hand they pulled off my skirt. Their fingers slipped down and pressed against the soft cotton of my underwear. I could feel my clit throbbing beneath their touch. They must have felt it too, my body pulsing against them, and so they eased their fingers around my thong and against my lips.

They started gently, stroking me, teasing me. They knew I wanted them inside me, that I was impatient and waiting and aching for it, but they wouldn’t give in right away. They kept it up, those subtle strokes, up and down, up and down, until I was so wet I was dripping on their fingers. My thighs were damp with my own juice and still they would not draw me open, would not reach deeper.

I couldn’t take it.

“Baby,” I said. “Baby, fuck me.”
“Now?” they asked.
“Right now.”
“Right, right now?”
“NOW.”
“And, if I don’t?”
“You have to.”
“I have to?”
“Yeah….”
“Tell me what you want.”
“I want you to fuck me hard. I want you inside me up to your wrist.”
“And what’s the magic word?”
“NOW!”

They acquiesced. Part of them wanted me there all night, pressed against them and begging, but they also wanted to please me.
I felt their hand move my lips open. Their rough thumb stroked my clit, while their long , beautiful fingers reached down inside me. One finger, then two, then three, were in my pussy, circling. My cunt clenched around their digits. I wanted to swallow them up, wanted them never to leave my body.
My clit got harder and harder under their thumb. I know that they love this, love feeling how much my body wants them. And as they rubbed my clit, over and over, I expanded to take them in. My slit got wider and wider and they slid all of themselves into me. Their wrist bone pressed up against my swollen sex.It felt like everything was happening all at once. My neck was in their mouth, my nipple twisted in between their fingers, my clit pressed under their thumb, and my whole body riding their hand as it thrust into me, deeper and deeper. We moved together. I propelled myself against their body, forcing them further into me, driving them faster, making them my own. They pressed harder and harder against my G-Spot, working me. They are rough with me but I can take it. Can take it and then some.

I began to tremble. My knees bucked. And then I crumbled. It felt too good. I felt too much. I couldn’t stand any more. I fell forward, my soft tits pressed against their hard chest, while I gushed all over them. I came, and came, and it felt like I wouldn’t stop coming, my whole body convulsing against theirs. My hair in their mouth, their neck against my lips, my cream wetting both of us, our sweat intermingled.

Finally, they stopped. They pulled out of me, and we just stared at each other, not wanting to move, not wanting to end it.
Until there was a knock at the door.
They hurriedly helped me dress. In these moments I love their range of touch. That they can fuck me hard and fast, so good that it hurts, and then gently pull my shirt over my arms, zip my zipper, and put me into my chair.

We left the bathroom, cheeks flushed. The people outside smiled at us politely. I smiled back. I imagine they thought “What a trooper!”. Often that’s what people are thinking, when they smile at me in a particular way. They don’t know that my return grin means so much more, that I am laughing at them. They are about to use a bathroom that I just flooded with my come, that smells like my sex.
Suckers.

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* Some people choose to use the pronoun “they/them” rather than “he” or “she”/”his” or “hers”. This is a great pronoun because it doesn’t impose any one gender, but allows some room for fluidity. Since I think all fluids (cum,sweat, etc.) are hot, and sexual/gender fluidity is even hotter, I used the pronoun they/them/their to refer to one single, sexy person in this story. If you want to learn more about the pronoun ‘they’, start here.

Fucking Frosh

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Frosh Week is just wrapping up in Halifax. For the last seven days the sexual energy in the city has been palpable – we can feel the frosh sizing each other up & eyeing each other down all the way from South to North.

During Frosh week, I get all this sexual energy thrown at me in full. See, it’s my job to do the Frosh sex talks. I stand in front of crowds and crowds of students and talk dirty to ‘em. I talk about sex toys and the importance of fucking yourself; my co-workers talk about safe sex and consent, and the importance of fucking others safely.  After we have laid out our spiel, we field their questions.  What this looks like: 800 students yelling over one another to us 3 bewildered babes. Generally, it’s hard to make out what the fuck anyone is saying. Words come to the surface of the mass of sound, words like “blow job”, “shaving”, “squirting”, and “POO!?”.

This past year, amidst the noise, a few questions did come up again and again and again. Considering the repeat nature of these queries, I thought it just may be worth answering these questions online, for ya’ll to see. Maybe you too are also wondering about water sex?

                    Question 1:  How do you give the best blowjob?

This was the most predictable question we got. People ask me about blow jobs essentially all the fucking time, so hearing it from the Frosh was no shocker. Seriously. I’ll be buying my groceries and the clerk will be like “But really, about that deep throating”. It is absurd how hot a topic fellatio is. Luckily, the frequency of which I am asked this question has allowed me to break it down into three short n’ sweet lil’ tips (though I do recommend coming to a blow job workshop at Venus Envy if you really wanna know):

Tip 1)  The wetter the better. Get some serious saliva on that cock. And if you are having a hard time doing that, add some lube. Some people really like using a flavoured
lube in this instance, but I personally find that shit gross. Its like filling my mouth with fluoride when I’m really just trying to enjoy getting someone off. So, I go for a
simple, taste-less, water-based lube.

Tip 2) Don’t forget the balls. While this isn’t true all of the time (nothing really is), a lot of people like a little bit of scrotal action while there shaft is being sucked. So
bring ’em into your palm and gently rub ’em around. Gentle is a key word here. Punching, kicking, pulling, or otherwise rough-handling balls is not typically
appreciated.

Tip 3) Enjoy it! And this goes for all sex acts, really. It is not generally fun for anyone to be doing something with their lover(s) if it seems like said lover is performing
a chore. So, have fun when you’re giving head and let the person know that you are into it. Make some hot eye contact. Moan a little bit, while the dick is in your
mouth. Say something dirty, like “I love having your cock in my mouth.” Essentially, communicating that you’re having a good time is hot.

                             Question 2:  Is having sex in the water a good idea?

I had no idea getting wild in the water was so trendy, but considering how many times this one came up, it must be. Personally, I had never really thought much about fucking in a body of water, mostly because to me it sounds more like a mess of awkward and flailing limbs than a synchronized, sexy performance. But, I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad idea. It could be completely do-able. However, there are a few things one should keep in mind if they really wanna get down and dirty in the public pool.

Thing A) Condoms and water are not like peanut butter and jam. That is to say, they don’t go hand in hand. Hot water and chemicals, like chlorine, can effect a
condoms durability, making it hard for ya’ll to be safe about it. Plus, all that water makes it more likely that the condom will slip off.

Thing B) Vaginas and water are not necessarily allies either. While getting plain old bath water all up in there may not be so bad, the bacteria and chemicals that hang out in
pools and hot tubs can be irritating and yeast-infection inducing.

Thing C) Fucking in the water actually makes things more dry. The water washes away all that sweet n’ sticky natural vaginal lubricant people produce. So, using a
silicone lube, which is impervious to water, is a good idea.

                               Question 3:  Can all girls squirt?

We got asked this one a whole lot. Where as I had no idea what squirting was until I was like, 23, apparently every first year university student in Halifax is pretty interested in making it happen. To answer concisely: yes, every person born with a vulva has the capacity to “squirt”, or ejaculate. Ejaculation occurs when the G-Spot (aka the urethral sponge), which is located just inside the vaginal opening, is stimulated. To find your (or your pal’s) G-Spot, get real turned on. The G-Spot swells when you are stimulated, so start with some good ol’ fashioned foreplay. Then, reach your fingers into the vagina and curl them up towards the belly button, in a classic “come hither” motion. You just may feel a slightly swollen area, roughly the size of a dime. That’s the G-Spot. If you push on it, it just may feel real good. If you push on it for a long time, and are feelin’ real hot n’ heavy, you just may ejaculate. I use the words “just may” intentionally. For some people, making this happen ain’t no thang (though I have a hard time believing that some can project that shit across the room the way you see in some porn). For others, it can feel like it’s nearly impossible. My advice is to practice. Practice,  read about it, try some toys, and mostly don’t get discouraged. Sex is sex. Squirting may be great, but ultimately, having fun and feeling good should be your end goal, not gushing all over your hot little hand.

Every Body’s Doing It

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Ok, so I kind of love writing this blog.
I love writing it and I love that you read it. It makes me feel good, I hope it makes you feel good, and I have high hopes that someday it’ll get me real rich and famous and I will get to travel around the world, running my mouth off about all sorts of hot n’ dirty biznezz.
I have fantasies that professional sex educators attend sex conferences by day and engage in THE SEXIEST ORGIES by night.
That’s how it works, right?
I want in on that.

Anyway, writing this blog, using filthy language and slangy colloquialisms, and being personal and informal is a pretty good time for me, and, I believe, is the most engaging way to talk about sex.
However, I am aware that this online forum and style only appeals to a certain audience.
A big part of my job is speaking with medical professionals about the sexual health needs of persons with disabilities. As mentioned in previous posts, I am a person with a disability, and so the sexuality of folks like me is high up on my priority list. I love speaking with doctors about the too-often over looked sexual health concerns of those of us whom are disabled. But, when I am engaging in this kind of discussion, I never sound like this:
” Yo doc, listen up to this fucking fact: squirting is rad.”
It’s ineffective, detracts from the legitimacy of a person’s sexual health needs, and makes everyone wildly uncomfortable.

And so, when I’m not blogging my fucking heart out, or dusting dildos down at the sex shop, I am using more professional language and writing a little mini booklet about the sexual health needs of persons with disabilities. I received a small grant from the Halifax Community Health Board to put together a manual about how sex toys can be used by people with disabilities. In it I talk about adapting sex toys, cleaning sex toys, the pro’s n’ con’s of sex toys, and everything in between.

This manual/little mini-booklet, titled “Every Body’s Doing It: Talking About Sex and Disability” is set to be printed within the next few months.
It will be distributed for free through Venus Envy here in Halifax, Nova Scotia, or through the Nova Scotia division of the Canadian Paraplegic Association.
Below, I am providing a sneak peek, if you’re interested.

And, if you are really, really interested, and would like a free copy of the finished edition, be in touch! You can reach me at kaleigh at venus envy dot ca.

Enjoy!

Introduction

Sometimes it feels like everybody’s doing it. In North America, we are absolutely inundated with sexual imagery, seeing sex in every music video, advertisement and television show. Sex, sex, sex!
But the problem is, we only see a certain type of sex. We’re almost exclusively flashed images of able-bodied, young, slim, attractive, white people, whom are having sex while standing up, or while poised upside down, or while straddling a chair in some seeming impossible bodily feat!
What a myth this creates: that in order to have great sex we need to look a certain way and be able to contort our bodies into certain positions.
The truth about sex is: everybody’s doing it! Small people, big people, people of colour, older people, able bodied people, and people who are disabled. Sex is not limited to the young, rich, and slender; it is a human experience that we all have the right to!

In this manual, we want to talk about the sex that folks with disabilities are having.

The sexual health needs of persons with disabilities are an important and overlooked subject. A study conducted by Anderson in 2004 shows just how important they are. A survey completed by both paraplegics and quadriplegics (resulting from spinal cord injury) indicated that amongst paraplegics, regaining sexual function was seen as the number one priority in improving their quality of life, while quadriplegics ranked it as number two, second only to regaining hand and arm function.[1]

Clearly sex is something we’re all thinking about!
So, let’s starts talking about it!

In the following manual, we would love to discuss it all, from communication, to self-esteem, to sex toys. But, that would lead to one pretty thick manual. So, here we offer you some basics. Specifically, we’re going to skip straight to the fun stuff of anatomy and sex toys! We’ll talk about what toys are great for different people with different disabilities. We’ll talk about how to clean them, how to store them, how to adapt them, and even where you can get them.

In so doing, we hope to provide you with a starter’s guide about using sex toys for people with disabilities. We hope that this manual will inspire further reading, further exploration, and better sex!

But, before we get into it, here are three very important definitions:

1)           A person with a disability:

Disability is a spectrum and so a person with a disability can be so many things, from someone with a visual impairment to someone who has been diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).
We would love to produce a manual that could cover the broad and varied rainbow that is disability, but that could take years and years. And so, in this manual when we refer to persons with disabilities we are referring specifically to persons with physical disabilities. This means people who may identify as paraplegics or quadriplegics; people who have irregular gait patterns; people who suffer from chronic pain; people who have limited or different sensation; people who experience manual dexterity impairments; and anyone in between.

2)                   Sex:

When we write sex, we are not referring to when a penis penetrates a vagina.
Instead, we are talking about the attainment of pleasure, between one or more consenting adults, not with the goal of reaching orgasm, but with the goal of feeling good!! We want sex to mean feeling bodily pleasure, whether that means touching your genitals or rubbing your elbows together! Sex can be whatever you define it as for yourself, as long as it’s about making yourself or someone else feel good.
And with this, sex can and does happen between any number of people of any gender and/or sexual orientation. Two men can have sex, five women can have sex, or a transgendered person can have sex with one man and one woman. Any number of possible pleasurable equations can and do exist. We kept this in mind as we wrote, and so we hope our advice can be helpful to any type of situation in which you may find yourself.
 

3)                Sexually Assistive Aids/Sexual Devices/Sex Toys:

Essentially, each of these refers to the same thing – an instrument which makes the attainment of bodily pleasure different or better or easier for folks. However, in practice each of these words may illicit very different reactions in people. Some readers may feel uncomfortable with the words ‘sex toys’ as it assumes too much familiarity. Others may dislike the term ‘sexually assistive aids’ as it implies that one needs assistance to do something.  With this in mind, throughout the text we will use each of these terms interchangeably. In your life, we encourage you to adopt whatever vernacular makes you the most comfortable!


[1]  “Pleasure Able”. Naphtali, Kate, Elliot, Stacey, and Edith MacHattie. 2009. http://www.dhrn.ca/files/sexualhealthmanual_lowres_2010_0208.pdf

Coming? What? Where? When? Uh, Maybe?

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“I’ve never had one.”
“It maybe happened, like, once, or something, but I’m not sure.”
“Uh, maybe?”

Considering the gross uncertainty surrounding this missing thing, you’d think the item in question was something more elusive, like a visit from the spirit of MJ.
Unfortunately, I’m actually just talking about coming.
Having an orgasm – it ain’t always easy.
Some people can pop ’em out at the snap of their fingers; can come against a bike seat while pushing uphill; can make themselves O in a bathroom stall on their lunch break.
Others of us aren’t so prolific.
For some of us, coming can be a process that involves heavy machinery, 45 minutes of alone time, Prince records, and/or yoga-like bodily contortions.
And then there are some who worry that they just can’t have ’em at all.
At least once a week, if not more, I speak with someone who has yet to successfully rub one out, has not yet had that thigh-shakin’, toe-curlin’, hip-thrustin’ Big One.
Elusive orgasms – they are definitely not an anomaly.

There are a loads of things I can recommend you buy if you are having a hard time makin’ yer pussy purr, yer cunt come, or yer bits bark. Vibrators, dildos, books, stimulating gels, lubes, kegel balls, classes – orgasms are a lucrative market. And while I kind of hate telling someone to purchase their way into better sex, I also think some of these things are THE BEST. (I’ll fill you in on the best of the best at the end of this little blurb.)

But, if you don’t feel like droppin’ dollas like they hot just to make yourself squeal,  luckily for you, I have done all the research.
Reading the books, trying the toys, using the gels, teaching the classes – it’s actually my job.
I’m no expert. I’m smart enough to know that all bodies are different, all parts perform in their own particular way, and there are no definitive right answers.
However, there are some things that I have found helpful to know, both in figuring out my own orgasms and in hearing from other people about theirs.
So, here’s a list of things to know, or to try, or to watch, that could help ya reach the peak.

1. The Clit*

Maybe this is obvious to you. Everyone knows about the clitoris right? Well, speak for yourself. I didn’t figure out how great it was until I was 20. We aren’t taught about our anatomy in a way that is all that helpful. We learn about safe sex and menstruation, not feelin’ good and gettin’ off. I was told about my ability to get pregnant but not what my clitoris was or how nice it feels. And I was also taught, somewhere along the way in all those weird messages we are fed as children, that girls don’t masturbate. Needless to say, it took me a while to find that sweet spot.
So, if like me, you are late to understanding the clitoris, there are some things you should know about it.
For one, the head of the clitoris has more nerve endings per square inch than any other part of the human body. That is two to four times more than the head of the penis. It’s a part of our bodies that is purely for pleasure, which is pretty awesome. It is also pretty big. We can see the cute li’l head protruding, but what we don’t see is the clitoral legs, stretching all the way down through our labia. The clit is actually one big powerhouse of pleasure, and stroking it is often crucial to coming. According to Masters & Johnson, it takes on average 20 minutes of “direct clitoral stimulation” to reach orgasm.
Try some of that “direct clitoral stimulation”. Start gentle. All those nerve endings mean things can feel pretty good, but they can feel not so good too, if you’re too rough. Use some lube and gently stroke around your outer lips. Keep things wet and stoke the clit, lifting the clitoral hood. Try different pressures, speeds and directions. Take your time. Move your hot little fingers up and down and around and around.  Be patient and keep practising. If you wanna up the ante, or if your wrists are just too damn tired, try some vibrations (my personal favourites are recommended below).
Bottom line – give yer clit some direct, uninterrupted attention. Treat it like it’s the latest episode of Girls and it just can’t be missed.

2. Go It Alone vs. Doin’ It Together

According to the stats, it’s way easier to get yourself off if your goin’ solo. A whoppin’ 34% of women*  say the easiest way to come is through masturbation.
This makes a whole lotta sense to me. It’s way easier to fuck other people well if you know how to fuck yourself well. If your trying to achieve an O with a pal, there are so many other things that you are probably thinking about, like : “Are they having fun?”; “Am I doing this right?” ; “Do I look skinny?”. It’s pretty fucking distracting.
So, it would make sense that having your own self-lovin’ sesh would better facilitate the attainment of that climactic euphoria.
However, I personally find that fucking yourself can be just as distracting as fucking someone else. When your with someone else it can be so easy to get caught up in how hot they are that you can forget yourself in the moment and just roll on into all those hot n’ dirty muscle contractions that are an orgasm. Their are hands & hair & sweat & body parts & lube everywhere and it’s hot as shit. I could come just thinking about it.
But then, when your on your own, there is no one to keep you in the moment. You can start fucking yourself and then remember the dishes you didn’t do, the friend you forgot to call back, the emails you have to write at work, etc., etc., etc.
Maybe you aren’t as embarrassingly Type A as I am and can just fucking chill out for long enough to fuck yourself.
But, if you do find getting in the hot n’ bothered head space all on your own a bit of a trial, here’s what I recommend.

Take time and don’t rush it.
Don’t mechanically think  about moving your fingers and how your body feels and wonder if you are doing it right for yourself. Fantasize! Think about that hot sex you had last week, or maybe last year. Or think about the hot sex you would like to have. Think about how hot you are, how good your belly looks, how smooth your skin is, how sexy it is to see your own hand slippin’ slowly south.
Play some Prince, or some other sultry sounds to keep you focused in on the moment.
Make some sounds n’ move around. Breath heavy and moan. Thrust your hips up into the air, throw your knees above your head, writhe around a li’l bit. Just get into it. As soon as you start thinking about your endless To-Do List change positions, think about hot tits or big dicks or whatever it is you’re into. Visual aids – books n’ movies – can be pretty helpful on this account, and I listed my favourites below.

3. It may not be thigh-shakin’, tue-curlin’, hip-thrustin’ and life-changin’.

Another truth about orgasms is that they aren’t always the way we see ’em on T.V and in porn. Sometimes one can go totally bat-shit cray, and heave around like a wild animal, making inarticulate noises. Sometimes it may feel like your whole body is alive and you have some sort of life-altering epiphany, like ” I was made to be touched and I am actually just a cat that looks like a woman.”
But other times, it’s just a quiet and calm feeling of intense pleasure. Or it’s maybe just a warm n’ wet feeling. It can be subtle and serene and short.
And I, personally, believe that these nice feelings are just as valid and enjoyable and worth-having as those all-over-body-quaking events that are always portrayed.
I read in a book once that many people who weren’t sure if they had an orgasm or not had actually just experienced “intense pleasure” and not a “real orgasm”, because surely, if you had an O, you would know. But, I think that’s a load of shit. What’s the difference between a “real orgasm” and “intense pleasure”? Isn’t an orgasm intensely pleasurable? And why would one of these things be better than the other?
Orgasms, like bodies, come in all shapes and sizes. If you are experiencing intense pleasure, or real nice feelings, or a pretty damn good time, just roll with that. Stop worrying over whether or not you are having the “Real” Thing. Just enjoy what it is that you are experiencing, rather than comparing it to what it is that you have been told you should feel, or what you have seen on youporn.

4. Things To Buy (THE BEST)

And, if the above points aren’t giving you what you’re looking for, here are some thing that I think are really worth buying. I use the word Best, and the following is certainly the best for me, but you should try out other things and check out your own local sex shop for suggestions. What’s best for me isn’t necessarily what’s best for you.

The Best Book: I Love Female Orgasm by Solot and Miller

The Best DVD: Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Female Orgasms

The Best External Vibrator: Siri by Lelo

The Best Internal Vibrator: The Boss by Fun Factory

The Best Stimulating Gel: O My! 

The Best Porn To Watch: Crash Pad (kinda queer) or Matinee (sorta straight)

The Best Porn To Read: Carole Queen’s The Leather Daddy & The Femme (kinda queer) or anything by Alison Tyler (sorta straight)

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*Clit, or clitoris, is a gendered term. You may have a clit and not call it that, or you may have a vulva and not call it that, or you may have a vagina and not call it that too. A person’s bits don’t necessarily correspond to their gender identity. For ease of communication, I used the word clit here, but call your parts what you will and don’t ever go assuming what other people may or may not call theirs.

* “Women” is the term the surveys use, and I am assuming they are referring to cis-gendered women. But as stated above, the term woman is fluid and can refer to different sorts of people with different sorts of parts.

Go Finger Fuck Yourself.

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Two babely friends of mine,  A and T, recently put out an awesome, inspiring, titillating, panty-dropping, ‘zine.
The subject matter: orgasms.
A and T, being both babely and brilliant, got in touch with a whole bunch’a folks and said “Listen, we want to talk about women’s orgasms, and we wanna talk about ’em now.”
Well, I am paraphrasing. What they actually said:

“We all have different bodies, so it makes sense that we would have different orgasms. With this in mind we have collected personal stories about women’s orgasms and made them into this ‘zine to hopefully help other women better understand that their pleasure is theirs alone and not what society says it should be. We recognize that gender is fluid and performative, and that “woman” is an unstable category, and thus we welcomed submissions from anyone who has ever identified as a woman.”

Pretty smart, right? I love this point, and I love this ‘zine. It has inspired me to rethink coming, masturbating, fucking, and feeling pleasure, and these are the kinds’a things I was already thinking about all day every day.
It has made me want to write about clitoral orgasms.
It has made me want to write more about the infamous G-Spot O.
I want to write about different kinds of coming,
about self-induced coming,
about the feeling of that earth-shakin’, heart-poundin’, thigh-quakin’ orgasm,
and the just as valid feeling of that quiet-warmth-that-creeps-up-inside-you-gently-orgasm.

Because A and T are totally right. The societal pressures put on women to simultaneous be both sluts & sweethearts makes our ability to quantify, identify and experience our own pleasure on our own terms pretty fucking difficult. It is so hard to just feel straight up good in yer bod without worrying if the other person is feeling good, if you are looking good, if you are doing it right, if this really is an orgasm, plus a whole big butt-load of  other unnameable insecurities.

So, I am going to write more about all that next week – about coming on our own terms, by our own hands. Unfortunately, these days my fingers are too busy doing…other, more interesting things…and I haven’t had a spare second to write a whole new fresh post. And so, in lieu of hot tips on finger fucking yourself and attaining that elusive O, I am instead going to reprint for you here my entry in The Orgasm Zine. I promise to post more helpful information next week. In the meanwhile, please consider this half-true story some erotic inspiration.

Better yet, if you want some real, serious, turn-you-on-and-lay-you-out stimulation, and you happen to be in Halifax, Nova Scotia, you should come see myself and a slew of other folks read our own orgasm accounts…aloud…in public.

The date: this Wednesday, June 20th.
The time: 8 pm.
The place: One Block Barber Shop.

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Girls Just Do*

When I was younger, I thought girls just didn’t.
My boyfriends would touch me with their calloused farm-hand hands, and I would think: “Oh, that feels nice.”
But I never thought I could touch myself too. Masturbating was for Boys Only. Girls didn’t get to control their coming.
Then, my cousin moved in.
With five years on me, she had it all figured out. She knew how to make Kraft Dinner and how to count cards; she knew that girls do it to, and she even knew that girls could do it with each other.
Best of all, she knew about Prince.

My cousin would have her girlfriends over and I knew that behind locked doors, they were doing more than painting their nails and reading Tiger Beat. I knew they were touching each other, bodies pressed tight together, hands searching between the tight folds of tight denim.
I would be outside the door, my ear pressed tight to the wood, my hands pressed tight to my chest, my thighs pressed tight together, and wondering:  “What magic tricks do they know?”

But, I didn’t have the words to ask. So instead, I turned to Prince.

When the house was empty I would sneak into the basement (then a bedroom for familial refugees) and steal her Prince records. ‘Cream’,’ Gett Off’, ‘Little Red Corvette’, and ‘Raspberry Beret’ would ricochet through the house at full volume.
It was Prince who taught me where to put my hands.
His voice would slide over the lines:

“It’s your time,
you got the horn so why don’t you blow it?
You are fine,
you’re filthy cute and baby you know it.”

and I would slide down my underwear.
He would shout out:

“I clocked the jizz from a friend of yours named Vanessa Bet.
She said you told her a fantasy that got her all wet, wet.
Something about a little box with a mirror and a tongue inside.”

and my fingers would slip down between my legs, my body shouting out to be touched.

While Prince sang about needing her body from dusk ‘til dawn, I learned my own body.
I learned how to work my clit, move my fingers in circles ‘til I was throbbing, ‘til my legs were shaking.
I learned up-strokes, down-strokes, and backwards strokes, moving one finger and then two in endless patterns, making my whole, small, self quiver.
I learned how to dip my fingers inside me, curl them up and press hard, and then even harder.
I learned that I could make myself come even quicker than my boyfriends; that my soft fingers were even more proficient than their rough ones. I learned that girls do it to, that I could do it to.

Girls just do.

* For the sake of my flabbergasted family members reading this post: this story is in part fiction. I do have a bevy of older, smarter, better-looking, and queerer cousins who I have been following around and mimicking my entire life. Some of them have, at times, lived in my parents’ basement and some of them do LOVE Prince. But, I swear, I never listened in at the door, and that wasn’t me who borrowed (and scratched) your CDs, I swear.

Let’s Get Intimate

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Recently, a friend asked me how to talk dirty.
He was worried he was doing it wrong.
Apparently his lines “I want to be intimate with you”, and “Come away with me” had not effectively inspired lust and wet pussy.

Now, I am not much of a dirty talkin’ expert. I find sex so distracting that anything that comes out of my mouth ends up sounding incomprehensible. Some of the noises I’ve made have legitimately been mistaken for those of a trapped raccoon…which might actually be even less erotic than using the word “intimate” during sex. So, maybe my friend and I both need some help here.

But, because I have this blog & this job at a sex shop, I think I may have enough general sex knowledge to hazard some educated pointers on slurrin’ sex talk outta yer hot little word hole.

So, to begin:

I think talking dirty is difficult because it can be hard to take yourself seriously enough to say “I want to ride your cock and make you mine.” It’s hard to imagine yourself as sexy or wild enough to say those kinds of things sometimes, because maybe you are actually just feeling tired, or silly or nervous. Or maybe you are worried that the person you’re fucking won’t be into it. Or maybe the situation just isn’t that hot and you don’t feel like growling into someone’s ear that you’re going to pin them down, crawl on top of them, and sit on their face. Maybe the situation is more goofy, and you just want to giggle together and not talk smut, which is pretty fun too. Or maybe it’s more romantic and you just want to look into someone’s eyes and not say anything at all, which is another totally valid way of doin’ it.

But, despite being scary, talking dirty can be fun because it allows you control. To say what you want to do to someone and/or what you want them to do to you is a really brave and powerful move to make. It shows that you know what you want. It shows that you aren’t afraid to say it. It shows that you have the self-confidence to ask for it and know that you deserve it. And, it’s a major fucking turn on!

So, if you have been finding yourself in spaces n’ places n’ hot situa-tions where you wanna ooze filthy fuck words into someone’s ear, and you’re pretty sure that person wants you to (i.e you are already involved with this person in some sexy way, and it isn’t just a hot stranger on the street), here are some how-to’s to keep stored away on the tip of your tongue.

1. Take yourself seriously. You may know that you are nervous and silly and unsure, but your lover doesn’t necessarily know that. Fake it ’til ya make is some of the best sex advice I have ever been given. Don’t imagine yourself as too shy, or too sweet or too funny to say dirty things. You are about to have sex! Sex is hot & so are you! You can say hot things about it! And the more you say, the easier it’ll get.

2. Give orders. This is a great thing to do because a) being told what to do is so sexy, and b) it allows you to take total control of the situation. If you are feeling really nervous and unsure about what to do or how to touch someone, you can say something like “I want you to undo my pants, push me down against the floor, and ride me, hard.” Saying that removes from you the responsibility of figuring out what to do with their body, and lets them know that you’re really into them. Or, you can say something like “I want to make you come all over my tits, and I want you to tell me exactly how to do it.” That way, you can let them know you want to get ’em off, and can be told exactly how to do it without revealing your uncertainty.

3. Try out some of the following words. As I mentioned, I tend to stick to weird animal noises, but I do know some really, really babely people, and I questioned each of them about their preferred bedroom vernacular. The results:  cunt, pussy, wet, hot, hole, fuck, own, ride, cock, suck, mouth, slip, push, hard, swollen, more, dick, fingers, fist, ass, tits, teeth, lips, tongue, sweat, bite, eat, taste, smooth, come, fast, control, wild, now, sweet.

4. Write it in a letter. “Write it in a letter” is just the more romantic way of saying sext that shit. (“Sexting” is such an annoying word.) Really, what I am trying to say is that trying to say things can be difficult. Jammin’ ’em out with yer thumbs on yer phone can be a whole lot easier. Or, breezing things outta your fingertips, onto your screen, and sending them in an email can be way less intimidating. Starting out less personally, by using phones, or emails or even pen & paper, is totally valid and will perhaps inspire more talk later, when you and your lover(s) are both more comfortable.

5. And finally, gauge their response. The great thing about talking is that generally, once you start talking someone will talk back to you. Basic rule of communication, right? So, say something dirty. Start out slow n’ easy and see how they respond. Are they excited? Do they give you directions, or follow your directions or speak smutty back? Work with what they give you, pay attention to their response and hopefully your foray into independent amatory articulations will result in an erotic exchange.

And, if you still need a lil’ bit of inspiration, check out these incredible lyrics from the most rad, most glam, best queer-core band Eekum Seekum and their song “Hand Pies”:

“bodies that come, bodies that gush
when they’re fucked so good
in the ass or in the cunt
in the back, in the front
when they rub + they hump
when they moan + they grunt
talk to me sweet thing
come on tell me what you want!

sit on my face & rock your hips
I want it all against my lips
drag your nails hard down my back
& put my hands under your ass

limp wrists, raised fists
fuck queer to resist
limp wrists, raised fists
queer bodies resist”

Cucumbers & Peepholes

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The most addictive thing about blogging is checking your stats. I check my stats about as often as I get checked for STI’s, which, if you’ve read my blog, you know I do all the time. It’s a weird point of vanity (the stat checking, not the constant pap smears).

The most engrossing part of checking my stats is seeing what things people have typed into Google that have lead them to me. Because this blog is all about sex, the words that people use to find me are hilarious and typically dirty as shit. The stuff people ask Google even I am too classy to repeat.

I’m kidding. I will totally repeat it.

So, without further ado, I bring you my favourite twelve search terms people have used to find thefuckingfacts.com (typos ‘n all).
Enjoy!

12. can you rub a nose against a pussy for pleasure

11. does your cock get smaller if you shove things up your ass

10. The vagina makes the rules, the dick fucks them.

9. can i put this cucumber in my arsehole?

8. best way to sex and fucking

7. can you fuck your ass in a sex toy or a thing?!?

6. giving blowjobs with a condom is like shitting with ur underwear

5. my guys poohole

4. what is the name for shoving thing up your bum sexually

3.  sex foking sex bag sex sex

2.  does shove thing up ur butt help poop

1. can i fit pinkie down peephole