Doing It Again

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your body amorsexus
It is a new year. We are actually seven days into the new year by now, but I have never been on time. I’m just getting around to all this now.
The clock ticked, the calendar’s flipped, and we all kissed and made resolutions and swore we would be better. Personally, I resolved to finally use Twitter (follow me @TheFuckingFacts), to develop a more refined palate (olives and black liquorice, here’s looking at you), and to get back to blogging.

2013 was one full on year. I was too busy – busy making a parody music video, busy doing fun interviews, busy actually fucking (which always feels like time better spent than writing about fucking). Mostly, I have just been busy writing things other than this blog. In particular, a book (!!!). I was awarded the theoretically sweet deal of writing a creative non-fiction novel for Invisible Publishing. I say “theoretically”, because if any of you have ever tried to write a book then you know that the process is a very special kind of pain. True, “writing a book” gives you some additional authoritative professionalism at dinner parties and when meeting parents. But at all other times it is a particularly awful activity. It causes your back to ache and your shoulders to hunch. It will lead to a plummet in your self confidence. Essentially, it will make you want to give up writing anything at all, ever.

But, it is a new year. The calendar flipped, the clock ticked, and I set aside my insecurities and decided to get back on the horse, the bike, the condom-clad cock, if you will allow me an alliterative safe-sex plug.

I have weighed my topic options. I have considered critiquing sex-positivity, writing more erotica,  and exploring anal. But at the end of the day it always comes back to this: “Hot Tips for Fucking Girls” . Way back in February of last year I wrote a post with that as the title. And by far it has been the most popular thing I have ever written. It has been clicked on by 1000s. Search terms relating to how to please a woman are what almost always lead earnest interneters to my blog. And while I would not necessarily consider myself an expert on the matter, I do consider myself a woman. And sex is my bread and butter.

So, let me provide you with some guidance. May 2014 bring us all the answers we’ve been Googling for (and better sex.)

“Hot Tips For Fucking Women”, Part 2*

1.The Front Hole & The Back Hole

 In part one I drew your attention to the clitoris, a friend to many. A lot of fine folk like their clit being loved up and rubbed down because it’s chalk full of nerve endings and is subsequently pretty sensitive to touch. It is a great area to focus on, but not the only one. A lot of people like some internal stimulation too. Enter The Holes (I know some of you may be thinking “Ew! Holes!”. To some it isn’t the most sexy term. But I like using it because it’s nicely gender-neutral.) There is one in the front and one in the back.They may also be referred to as the vagina and the anus, the pink sink and the rosebud, or the dragon’s lair and the back door. The list of synonyms goes on and on, so it is best to ask your sex-friend what they like to call it before diving in.Some people like penetration because it creates a nice, woozy-inducing feeling of fullness. Some people like it because there are a lot of nerve endings at the entrances of both the front and back holes. And some people like it because the G-Spot and the P-Spot can both be found internally. When consensually providing some internal play for another person some great ideas are to: start slow and use lube, because the skin around both of the hole’s openings is thin and can tear if thrust into without proper preliminaries; curve the fingers upwards in a “come hither” motion to stimulate the hole’s respective entrances (and maybe even find the G-Spot and the P-Spot); and pay attention to the person’s body! Often when someone is aroused their hole will expand to accommodate penetration. If you feel the body ballooning around you, it may be a good sign that you’re on the right track.

2. Toys are your allies, not your enemies.

Based on my work in a sex shop, I get the impression that many people are nervous about sex toys. Fair enough. Sex toys and exploring our bodies can be a really nerve-wracking endeavor for a lot of valid reasons. But let me attempt to dissipate one fear here & now. Sex toys will not replace your partner. It is unlikely that you will become more in love with the feeling of a vibrator, dildo, or butt plug than the person you are fucking. It is true that our bodies can become accustomed to coming in certain ways (in one position or with a particular stroke), so changing things up frequently may be wise. But typically toys are not a replacement but an accessory. They can provide added vibrations and pressure and whole new sensations. So try going on an ultra fun shopping trip with your lover. You may find something to make the back hole feel full, the clit feel buzzy, or the nipples feel pleasantly pinched.The options are endless.

3. Just Ask!!!!!

I know this was my advice in Part One, but it is so important that I have to repeat it. If you really want to get someone off, the best way to do it is to ask them how they like it. No two humans walk the same, talk the same, or orgasm in the same way. This means communication is key! Ask the person you’re getting down with things like “Do you like it harder or slower?”, or “May I put my mouth on your cunt?” or “Does this feel good?”. Add in some adjectives, like “Your so fucking hot. Can I try and get you off?”, or some more direct statements like “Fuck, I want to touch you everywhere. Are their places you don’t want me to touch?”. Talking about sex, both asking and answering these kind of questions, can feel uncomfortable and vulnerable in the beginning, but it is a great thing to practice again & again & again. To help with feeling more equipped to ask questions and know what you like, check out the book “What You Really, Really Want” by Jaclyn Friedman, or “Exhibitionism for the Shy” by Carol Queen or some of these handy   resources.

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* I can’t write that title without quotations for good reason. The terms “fucking” and “women” are just too subjective to use literally. As I have written before, the act of having sex/fucking is something that is pretty open to interpretation. Fucking can refer to absolutely anything that makes you feel erotic pleasure, not just one particular act. And the identity of “women” is also a personalized thing. That gender binary is bullshit. The world is not simply divided into two groups. Instead, our gender identities can be fluid and unrelated to what parts we have. Someone may be born with a body assigned as male, but identify as a woman. Or someone may have been assigned female at birth but chooses to identify as a masculine-presenting genderqueer person, for example. I have chosen to stick with using the term “women” in this article because it is what most people seem to be Google searching. When I write “woman” I am referring to anyone who self-identifies as such. When you yourself are navigating the world of human relationships, please keep in mind that gender is something that should never be assumed. Here’s a video with more information.

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“Hot Tips For Fucking Girls”

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candy hearts

As I’ve mentioned, one of the best things about having a blog is that you can see what search terms people use to find you. As you can imagine, with a blog titled thefuckingfacts.com, I am privy to what are probably the most pervy Google searches out there.
Lately, a reoccurring theme has become apparent. I’ve studied the patterns and the outcome is this: people really want to know “how to fuck girls”. It seems like all of you have asked Google some variation of this question in the last 30 days. Maybe it’s Lena Dunham’s influence; Girls’ sex scenes can make fucking look awkward as shit and pretty damn confusing. Which, from my personal experience, I would say it often is. I’ve never done it in a construction tube, a-la-Tiny-Furniture, but I have found myself in a fair share of compromising and confounding situations.
Anyway, the point is: as a girl*, this question warms my heart. I love sex. I love it best when the person/people I am doing it with know what they are doing. And really, the only way to know what you are doing is to ask.
To all the earnest, brilliant, thoughtful people brave enough to confess that they do not inherently know how to fuck (who does?), who as a result are probably the very best of lovers (communication is key!), I applaud you. Good job. As a result, I will try my very best to use my woman-powers for the greater good. And so, to answer your question, here are:

 Three Hot Tips For Fucking Girls

Tip 1: Avoid using the word ‘girl’, unless you know they are into it.

Here’s the thing. I am a straight up cis-girl. I was born with female parts, I love my tits and my clit and all those things, and I talk about my menstrual cycle as often as my brother talks about his illogical devotion to The Toronto Maple Leafs (which is to say a lot). And still, I don’t love it when the person I am fucking calls me a girl. When I am watching music vids and curling my hair with my girl pals, then I am a girl, reveling in all the pop-music, bubble-gum ideas of girlhood. But, if you wanna stick your dick or your fingers or whatever in my cunt, then you better call me a fucking woman! I am an adult, with agency, and control and a hot, woman bod, with curves and fat and all the nice things that make me a total womz. I am not “girl”, or “your girl”, or “baby girl”.

My roomie & I, being girls.

My roomie & I, being straight up girlzzz.

But that is just me. This rule may not apply to all people, just like almost every single rule that ever was, really. Some girls LOVE being called girl, and that is cool too. Nothing is hard n’ fast, but maybe  just ask your pal what word they prefer before you start pet-naming them anything at all.

Pluuuusss, the word girl is pretty gendered. Maybe you know the person you are fucking is, much like myself, a woman born with female anatomy who feels comfortable in that identity. But, not everyone is. Some people identify as trans or gender queer. They may have female or male anatomy, but may not identify with the societal category of girl or boy/woman or man. They may not call their bits their penis or their vagina, they may not want to be called he or she, and they may not conform to the traditional and restrictive gender binary. To use gendered language can be hurtful and cis-sexist. To learn more about trans identities, go here. To learn more about some aspects of trans culture, go here or here.

Tip 2: Don’t Assume A Thing, or, Consent Is Hot As Shit

So listen, the truth is, I can’t really tell you “how to fuck a girl”. I could tell you how to fuck me, and I am a girl, but that is not really the same thing.
The snowflake metaphor is always applicable. No two people are alike, and no two people like the same thing. Some girls like having their nipples sucked; some like having their hair pulled; some girls like having their back rubbed; some like missionary; some like it standing up; some girls only want to do it on Fridays; some girls only want to do it with their socks on. Some girls call “sex” penetration. Some girls call “sex” oral. Some girls call “sex” something you have never even imagined before.
What woman want, counter to what that shitty Mel Gibson movie from the 90’s may have taught us, is pretty fucking diverse. As is the definition of sex. Considering all the many variables at play here, answering the question of how to fuck a girl is pretty much impossible. So, I can’t tell you how to please your female friend. But, I bet she can. And so, my advice is to ask her, not Google.

Ask her if she likes her clit to be touched, and how. Ask her if she likes her neck to be kissed. Ask her if she likes penetration. Ask her what she would like to do, how she would like to do it, when she wants to do it, and where.

This kills two birds with one stone (or feeds two birds with one scone, if you find bird-killing metaphors offensive). It teaches you how to be the best fucking lover you can be, because you are listening to your partner’s desires. And, it ensures that you are engaging in sexy times that are totally consensual. Consent is pretty much the hottest thing ever. In this weird, sex-negative world we live in, it can be pretty hard for a person to figure out what they want to do in bed. Practicing good consent, by asking your pal what they want to do/if they like what ya’ll are doing/if they are comfortable, helps both you and your sex-friend ensure you are doing things that you both really, definitely, want to be doing. To learn more about consent, read this awesome article.

Oh, and if you think all this asking business sounds clunky and awkward, don’t worry, it isn’t. Just try it. It could feel weird at first, but practice, throw in some dirty words, and you’ll be asking all the best questions and communicating like a champ in a matter of minutes. Here are some practice sentences you can try at home: “Baby, I want to suck your cock. Do you want that?”; or,  “Does this feel good?/Was that good?”; or,  “You have the most hot fucking bod I have ever seen. Can I touch it in all the places you like best?”.

Thing 3: The Clit Might Be A Safe Bet/Foreplay Is Generally Appreciated

Again, to be doubley clear, I can’t tell you what women want. Some want it fast, some want it slow, some want it rough, some want it soft, some want to top, and some want to bottom. But, I felt like if I didn’t provide at least one practical tip, brains may just explode with my annoyingly theoretical musings and my insistance that there are no right answers, ever. So, a practical tip: it is often true that girls, or women, or anyone at all really, like a bit of foreplay. Rushing into things can sometimes be a good time. A lunch-break quickie, a before-the-kids-get-home get off, a middle of the night fastie (I made that word up) – they can be hella fun. But, often, a bit of warming up goes a long way.

So, if penetrative sex is the end goal for you and your sex-friend, try warming things up before moving on into insertion. Foreplay is great for a few reasons. It gets blood flowing, making genitals erect. It gets the juices…juicing, making genitals wet and making penetration much more slick n’ slippery n’ fun. And it gets the brain in the right position, helping one forget the details of their day and get into the moment.

Foreplay can include some of the following fun things: give the ears and neck some amorous attention with your lips/mouth/teeth; talk dirty!; sweetly stimulate them nipples with fingers, mouths, or even clamps if all parties are down with that; focus on the clit with your fingers or your mouth; REALLY FOCUS ON THE CLIT; and then focus on the clit some more. If both parties have consented, foreplay could also include things like: spanking, bondage, blindfolds, and sex toys! Really, the options are endless, and I encourage ya’ll to experiment with the wealth of fun things bodies can do together before penetration happens.

Oral is a great way to warm up.

Oral is a great way to warm up.

So, them’s the tips.
To sum it all up: the best way to know how to fuck anyone at all in the way that they want, is to ask ’em.
But, I do hope some of the above provides some good initial guidance.

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*I prefer tough-as-fuck woman, but whatever. I’ll go with girl in this instance to conform to internet vernacular.

Getting Wet.

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As a general rule, I try to have sex most Sunday mornings.  I think it is the smartest way to begin my work week. For some folks going to church, confessing their sins, and taking communion puts them on the right foot. For me, I would rather stay in bed, commit multiple sins, and come all over someone. To each their own.

Unfortunately, last Sunday the natural order of things was disrupted. Rather then spending my morning flouting my good, Catholic upbringing I was working. (But then again, I guess my work is not so God-abiding either.) Specifically, last weekend I was working the Everything To Do With Sex Show, a fairly weird sex symposium that travels all around this colonialist nation, selling sex-related wares. My job: teach the people. Teach ’em what? The wonders of wetness. For 30 minutes my co-worker and I stood at the pulpit and expounded the virtues of a quality bottle of lube to all the good people of the world. Now, I’ll do it all for you in simple half-page post. Easy peezy. I’ll break it down for you in terms of what lube goes best with what sex act. I’ll talk vaginal, anal, oral,  solo sex and sex with toys.

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Let’s start at the vagina*.

When it comes to putting lube in that hole, there are two things you may want to avoid. The first is glycerin, the second is parabens. Glycerin is added to a lot of lube because it is real slippery. However it is also a sugar, and what does sugar do? It causes yeast to grow. And where does yeast naturally occur? In vaginas. While all vaginas have some yeast hanging out in ’em all of the time, when yeast grows and multiples in there it can often lead to a yeast infection. So, to avoid that whole itchy, sticky, smelly mess, check the ingredients on your lube and avoid glycerin.

Parabens are also often found in lube (and lots of cosmetics), where they act as a preservative. Consuming them in minute quantities is no bigs. There is usually no immediate symptoms or reactions. The thing about parabens is that they are an estrogen-mimicker, which means they act like estrogen in your body. If you consume a whole lot of them and they build up in your body over time, this may or may not lead to breast cancer. I’m sorry to sound so vague on this – I’m no fucking scientist, but from what I can tell, the science is vague either way. Ultimately, the point I’m making is that like most everything in the world parabens may cause cancer, and lubes with parabens in them may be something you want to avoid.

So, going with lubes that do not contain glycerin or parabens may be a wise decision. Choosing an all-natural lube may also be a smart move if you are experiencing irritation. Some quality, all natural lubes are Sliquid or Probe.

Another thing you may wanna try puttin’ in your pussy is a silicone lube. Water-based lubes are more common, but you can find silicone lubes in sex shops and some drug stores. Unlike water-based lubricants which absorb into your skin, silicone lubes last and last and last and last and last. Like seriously. They feel real slick n’ oily and they don’t absorb into your body so a little goes a long way. Silicone is also hypo-allergenic, so most folks don’t have any reaction to them. I really like a silicone lube, but keep in mind they are more pricey and they can stain your sheets. If you wanna try one out, I recommend Pjur or Swiss Navy.

So those are some options for the vagina: a water-based lube without glycerin or parabens, or a silicone lube. But before I move on to the bum, let me first make a very important point:

USING LUBE DOES NOT MAKE YOU ANY LESS OF A HOT FUCKING BABE, ALRIGHT? 

There is some weird myth abounding that  “real” women get real wet, or if someone is not really wet then they are not really turned on. This is false. While it can be true that vaginas can get wetter the more hot n’ horny someone is, that is not always accurate. Different people produce different amounts of vaginal fluids, and it ain’t no competition. We are not going to collect, measure, and compare the amount of juice we all produce to see whom of us is the sexiest. The truth is, you or your pal may be really into something and may still be sorta dry, or just a little wet, or really super fucking wet but still not wet enough for the kind of penetration ya’ll are about to partake in. So, let the shame go. Adding lube does not indicate you aren’t a serious (and/or a seriously turned on) babe. All it goes to show is that you are in it for the long haul and are totes ready to have a good time.

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So, that’s that. Moving south, from the vagina to the butthole.

Anal sex is both a great time, and a great time to use lube.  Unlike the vagina, the anal sphincter does not self-lubricate, so lubing it up is a wise move. Plus, the walls of the anal canal are super thin and can tear easily.  Using lube is a great way to prevent tearing, have safer sex, and ensure a wet, wild, and positive time for all parties involved.

In this instance, using a thick water-based lube is a good idea. Generally the thicker the lube the longer it tends to last, as it absorbs into your skin less quickly. Sliquid Sassy Booty Gel is one of my personal favourites, and not only for it’s name. That shit is seriously thick. But, if that one is not doing it for you, you could also try Maximus, another nice gel-like lubricant.

Silicone is another great option here, as it is mega slick. Its long-lasting power makes it ideal for anal play, seeing as the bum is so absorbant. Where as water-based lubes can all feel different, from thick to thin, stringy to sticky, silicone lubricants really all feel pretty much the same: oily. One is not necessarily better than any other, so going with the brands mentioned above works just dandy.

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And from there, I wanna give ya a little quickie about lubing up for oral adventures.

Why would you lube up a penis you are about to blow, a pussy you are about to eat, or whatever? Well, why not? To reiterate: everything is better when it is wetter, and this includes oral. For one thing, oral can lead to penetrative sex, and so lubing that shit up right off the bat starts you off on the good foot. And another thing – I don’t know about ya’ll, but my mouth can get pretty dry when I’m nervous. Sometimes, going down on someone is a nerve-wracking experience and a dry, old mouth ensues.  Rubbing a sandpaper tongue all over a sweet clit or a lovely cock can be weird and hurt-y and not that much fun for either the giver or the receiver. Adding lube really eliminates any possible dry-tongue induced chaffing and makes the act of licking or sucking way easier.

When it comes to oral, water-based or silicone-based lubes work. Silicone may not be something you want to ingest in large quantities, but pouring it on someone’s junk and pouring the bottle directly into your mouth are different things, so don’t sweat it.

Water-based lubes are safe to ingest in small quantities too, especially the natural ones. If you wanted to spice things up here, you could throw in a flavoured water-based lube.When I teach B.J workshops, people talk ALOT about not liking the taste of their pal’s parts. Personally, I’m into that musky odour, but if you just don’t love it and bathing is no remedy, then flavoured lube can do a great masking job. Or, if you’re just not into performing oral, it can make the act more tasty n’ fun. Something to keep in mind here is that lubricants that are flavoured often contain glycerin, because that is what makes them taste so sweet. When shopping for a flavoured lube, try and search out something that uses aspartame or stevia as a sweetener instead of straight-up sugar, to prevent against possible yeast infections. Some options are Hathor Flavours or Sliquid Swirl lubes.

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Next, lemme say a lil’ thing about lube for those solo times.

When enjoying some autonomous exploration, lube is a nice thing to bring on your “journey of self-discovery” (actual euphemism I once heard to describe jerkin’ it). If your female-bodied, adding lube is super exciting because even if you aren’t really feeling it initially putting lube on your bod signals to your brain that you are ready to go into the sexy zone. And using lube if your male-bodied is nice because hands and peens* generally don’t get all that wet on their own (unless you have intensely sweaty palms). While foreskins do produce a bit of their own natural lubricant,  it is generally not a whole lot. So, water-based or silicone-based lubes are both totes applicable for masturbating, but in the solo scenario you also have another fun option: oil-based lubricants! Using an oil-based lube with a partner whom you are practicing safe-sex with is a bad plan, as oil breaks down latex and would eat right through that dental dam/condom/glove. So, it is only when your playing on your own (or with a fluid-bonded partner) that you can really test out the staying power of margarine, coconut butter, or olive oil. They even have special oil-based lube especially for these moments, such as this one called Boy Butter. Just a word of precaution though: some folks are into using coconut oil and the like because it is so natural, but do keep in mind that not all bodies can get into it. Oil-based cooking accessories may be great in baked goods but may be irritating to sensitive holes.

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And one final thing: there is something you should know when it comes to throwing an inanimate friend (aka a sex toy) into the mix.

Using lubes with toys is fun because a) they don’t produce their own juices, and b) lubricant helps transfer vibrations from a toy to a body, letting you feel all the fun a little better. However, some lubricants and toys do not play nice together. Specifically, it is not the best plan to use a silicone lube with a silicone or a cyberskin toy. While with plastic, glass, or even some jelly vinyl toys silicone can do the trick just dandy,  with a silicone or cyberskin toy the lube will bond to the toy. It becomes impossible to remove, leaving your toy feeling slightly sticky and eventually causing it to break down, leaving funny marks on it and degrading the material. Sticking with a water-based lubes for these types of toys is a safe bet.

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So, there you have some basic information. But it is always helpful to talk to someone on staff at your local sex shop for what lube would work best for you. It is always a true thing that all bodies are different and have different wants & needs.

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* I used the word “vagina” for ease of clarity. I want to make sure ya’ll know what I’m talking about. But, it is important to note that that may not be what everyone calls their bits. Some folks are not into the word vagina, and would rather call it their cunt or their pussy. Other folks identify as transgendered or genderqueer, and would rather call that part of their bod their front hole, or hole, or something else entirely. It is important to never assume what someone calls their parts, or what pronoun they may use.

*I again used the word peen there for ease of understanding, but please keep in mind that may not be what some folks call it. Some may refer to is as their clit, their bits, or their stuff, for example.

P in the V (The P Edition)

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So I’ve got this pal, let’s call him John, who loves to criticize me generally  and my blog more specifically. He particularly gets irritated by my overuse of the oxford comma, obvious spelling mistakes, and a lack of male perspective. This last point, the missing male gaze, is a valid one (actually, they are maybe all valid) and it came to light in particular when I wrote the post titled “P in the V” a couple months ago. Ol’ Johnny argued that for an essay specifically about hetero-style doin’ it, I largely ignored issues of the peen. True point. We tried to amend this concern through a collaborative blog post, both of us writing about the minor mishaps that may affect a cock during penetrative, P in the V sex.

The result was a mostly offensive back and forth, full of jokes that probably only he and I find funny and that would seriously alienate anyone else reading. After weeks of arguing and editing, the results were ultimately unpublishable.

But, John’s criticism stands. As a proud and fierce cunt-owner, I tend to get a little overly pussy-focused sometimes.

And so, here I bring you P in the V, The P Edition, where I present to you my years of qualitative research concerning peens and some shit that can come up when one is trying to consensually put one in a vajay. I may not have a dick, but I have handled a few in my time.

You accidentally put the P in the A:

So, sometimes when shit is getting real hot n’ heavy and there is a lot of thrusting and fluids and hands everywhere, a person can slip up and accidentally stick their dick (or almost stick it) in the wrong hole. It makes sense. Everything is so wet and happening so fast, and the V and and A are actually fairly close together, y’know?  And while anal sex can be one sweet fucking time, a surprise and accidental insertion such as that can hurt like wild.

The proper and polite thing to do should you find yourself in this problematic (but understandable!) position is as follows: Remove the P from the A. Apologize profusely. Explain that it was a mistake, and that while you may be interested in anal banging sometime (if that is, in fact, an interest you have), you know that this is an issue that ya’ll should discuss before you just stick it in there. Should the Total Mega Babe in question still feel like doing it, change condoms (buttholes have bacteria in them that should not get in the vajay) and continue with P in the V, carefully.

The P is too big for the V ( & vice versa ):

The point that I am trying to make here is that V’s and P’s come in all shapes n‘ sizes.
For instance, you may find yourself with a babe who’s V is not wide enough for your girthy P. But rest assured, pussies have the potential to expand to remarkable sizes. I mean think about it, whole entire human beings can come out of that hole! What you need is time, lube, and patience. If someone is turned on, the vaginal muscles can more easily stretch, so in this situation, focus on the foreplay and that whole very important clit part. And adding lube is always a good idea, but here it’s a fucking brilliant one. If her vagina is just too small for ya’ll, lube will make any potential painful thrusting a whole lot smoother. And of course – thrust slow! Your aim is to make her feel good, not bad! Lastly, if you do have a V and your partner is much wider than you, you can always use a dilator (a set of cylinders graduating in size) to expand your vagina and get your vaginal muscles more accustomed to penetration on your own terms.

If you find yourself in the reverse situation of this one, and you are with someone whose V is wider than your P, the V owner in question can always do some kegel exercises so that the muscles inside the vagina can more effectively contract. The pubococcygeus muscles (or PC muscles) are the muscles of the pelvic floor which hold all your reproductive system in place. When a person orgasms, these muscles  contract. So, having stronger PC muscles is a good thing, because it makes your orgasms feel stronger, and  can make your vaginal muscles contract more tightly around a peen (thereby addressing the problem of a too-wide V). To exercise these muscles, you can use Ben Wa (or Kegel) Balls. Kegel Balls are meant to be inserted inside the vagina, giving your body something to contract around. Put ’em in for roughly 20 minutes a day and squeeze around ’em, to strengthen your biznezz. Or, if you can isolate the PC muscles on your own, without using a set of exercise balls to help you, you can do that too. Here’s a hint: to find your PC muscles, try stemming the flow of urine while you’re on the can. Can you do it? That is your PC muscles at work. Now that you know where they are, try contracting them in sets of ten, three times a day.

The P Won’t Come!:

In his helpful response, my buddy John attributed this conundrum to the crushing of cans. And the man has got a point: drinking vast quantities of alcohol, as we often do, can really slow that shit down. In this situation, when you are just too drunk to come, you really only have one of two options. Number one: you and your friend can engage in some seriously drunken and consensual revalery, going to unmatchable feats and finding never-been-done-before  positions in an attempt to help you get off. Or, number two: you can accept defeat, have some fun without coming, and then roll over and grab some shut eye in preparation for tomorrow’s inevitable hang over.

But, if you are having a hard time coming and it is not in fact related to how much gooning you’ve been doing, you could be experiencing delayed ejaculation. Some can come by their own hand like it ain’t no thang, but then they find themselves with a lover (or two, or four) and they get stage fright, like when you were a kid and couldn’t piss in public bathrooms. Delayed ejaculation has been linked to many potential causal factors, both emotional/psychological and physiological. Unfortunately, there is no one right answer or “cure” to make ya come, so you may need to talk to a doc if this is really cramping your style.

The P Won’t Get Hard!

Here again John brought up whisky dick and the consumption of too much chach as causal factors if you find yourself with a P that won’t get hard. And again, man’s got a point. The consumption of alcohol can really fuck with your sexy shit, and make your leaky house lazy, your schnitzel shy, or your flesh flute fallow. If this is the situation, what you gotta do is much like my advice offered above. You can either a) engage in some heavy cardio activity trying to get yer Little (or Big, whatever) Guy up and at it; or b) accept that your dick is just not in it and take this as a perfect opportunity to use your hands to get your buddy off.

However, there are a also a whole lot of other potential reasons for this particular predicament, such as spinal cord injury, aging, nerves, diabetes, anxiety, and medications, to name only a few. Sometimes, this issue will right itself with time. Other times, doctors can prescribe medications that alleviate the problem. And  of course, there are always toys that can be used to help a P get hard and stay hard, such as penis pumps (draw blood to the peen, making it erect), and cock rings (worn around the shaft of the penis to stem blood flow out, forcing the peen to stay erect).

There are really so many other junk-related jams I could have tried to de-bunk here. Just like V’s, P’s can have a whole bundle of hang ups and hold ups and straight up screw ups. But ultimately, at the end of most days, doin’ it is a pretty good time, and is quite often worth risking any and all embarrassing moments for.

Slurrin’ Smut From Yer Word Hole (“Hanging on the Telephone”)

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Sounds enticing, right??
There’s nothing like using the word “slur” and replacing an “ou” with a single “e” to turn a person on. My nipples could cut ice. I need to change my underwear.

But seriously, in response to my column in the NSCAD student paper CRIT, I received a question re. this very thing : how do we talk dirty to our lovers far away? How do we keep up some kind of erotic dialogue with the person we love (our maybe just the person we’re banging) when we see ‘em on a bi-annual basis? And how do we do this without it all feeling awkward and contrived, without stiffly knocking out our words and feigning orgasm, ultimately feeling lonely and deprived?

It’s a good question. And my first piece of advice is to not refer to your mouth as a “word hole”.

But perhaps before I really issue advice, I’ll try and identify the problem. Why is it that stripping for someone on Skype, for example, can feel so fucking awkward? Well, as is always true, there are a myriad of reasons and explanations, all valid. One thing that I think is a big part of it, though I may be wrong, is that sex in general can be kind of awkward. Even for the sexiest of us, there can be moments when you don’t feel completely at home in your body, or entirely self certain. These periods of self-doubt are typically much easier to overcome when we have a person physically beside us, touching us, and telling us how much we turn them on. And so, when your lover is not in fact proximal, you gotta do a whole lot more work to get to that sexy place. You have to use your imagination to sexualize your body, you have to use your will power to forget all of your doubts and distractions, and you have to use your own damn hands to touch yourself. And of course, this is an entirely different act than actually having physical sex with your partner. So cut yourself some slack: even if you and your pal can achieve simultaneous orgasms in record time when you’re together, doin’ it when you’re apart adds a whole lot of new obstacles to the equation.

And so, it follows that my second bit of advice is doing something for yourself that is exclusively about remembering that you are one hot human. Do something on your own terms, on your own time, to get you in the mood. Watch some porn, maybe. Or read some really good erotica. Or even better, write your own personal porn, articulating your dirty dreams on paper (either exclusively for your eyes, or to share if you want to). Ultimately, get yourself off. Be a sexual being. I think that it can be way easier and smoother to be sexual with someone else once you’ve already gotten yourself halfway there.

And then when you’re feeling all hot n’ heavy and you wanna get down with your far-away friend, there is an array of technological advances to help ya’ll out. In today’s world, we don’t have to rely on carrier pigeons to get our hand-written filthy fantasies to lovers on the other side of the continent. So, let’s use and abuse what we have right at our fingertips. Lemme review for you. We’ve got:

Text messaging (aka Sexting):

This is the fucking best thing ever, in my personal opinion. Sending a dirty text is the least nerve-wracking strategy. You don’t have to try and make your voice sound all sultry. All you gotta do is slam some sex out with your thumb and hit SEND. One idea is sending sexts when you know your lover is with a group of people. Say, for example, they are at a party. All you gotta do is write “You know what I would do if I was at that party with you?”. That’s Sext 1.
Sext 2 is: “Well, I’d take you into the bathroom and push you against the wall.”
Sext 3: “Then I would…(insert fantasy here)”.
Proceed with multiple sexts, detailing what you want to be doing to their hot bod. Their cell phone will be vibrating against their ass cheek all night, and no one will know what’s up but you and them. It’s like your own dirty little secret, out in public. (And of course, all these words could be accompanied by pictures if, unlike myself, you happen to have a cell phone that wasn’t made in 1998.)

Emails:

This is a lot like using your thumb and your phone, but your using your fingers and your keyboard. And here you can say a lot more, with more time to think about just how to say it. You could send an exclusively dirty email, an erotic story you wrote just for them. Or if that sounds slightly exposing, you could always just slip a little sexy sentence in the middle. Sandwich some smut in between the details of your day. Something like:

“The weather was shit here today. Rain, as always. It reminded me of that time we drove out to the lake only for the thunder to start. Remember? We were too afraid to swim, so instead I pulled you into the bushes, and we fucked right there in the mud and fallen leaves? I liked that time. But, here, today, it’s raining and I’m still working on that project and blah blah blah”.

See what I mean? Just a little something to get the ball rolling.

Phone Sex:

Now, everyone is different, but personally I find verbal sex follows more smoothly after already having had a non-verbal exchange. Saying things aloud to one another can be difficult due to the immediacy of it all. If you’ve already established some sort of rapport via email, then this can make that concern a little easier; it can give you sort of a reference point. Rather than trying to create a present tense scene that can feel clunky (“Now, I am touching myself…”), you can reference something that you’ve already written to one another. For instance: “When you wrote that you missed my cock it made me hard. It made me want to…”. Sometimes talking about what you once did or what you will someday do can work to get you all turned on in the present, and then talking about being wet or hard or touching yourself can feel more…fluid, if y’know what I mean.

Skype:

To tell you the honest truth, I find Skype difficult. I get distracted by the part in my hair and the shape of my shoulders. So I enlisted the expertise of some pals for advice here. And they said this:

Skype sex is fun because it can break the ice. You can be honest and giggle and recognize both the silliness and the sexiness of the situation. Or, on the other hand, it can normalize it. You can turn the camera on and just hang out together and then kind of tumble into sex as you change for work, or get ready for bed, or whatever. It can make it feel like a natural progression is occurring, rather than a stilted conversation. And then, on the other hand still, it can make the situation way more sexy than a simple phone call or text message. You can get dolled up for each other, play music, have a drink first, dance. And, practically speaking, Skpe is fun for this because it allows you to tease your lover, only letting them see parts of you at certain times. A tip: practice your lighting and angles before hand, so you know how you’re looking and you don’t actually shoot ‘em a confusing ball sack close up or something. I mean, unless that’s what you’re into.

This has been long-winded.
And so perhaps I should some it all up by saying this: Ease into it. Don’t worry to much about getting off, or getting your partner off. As time passes, this should all get easier n’ easier n’ easier, ‘til you’re coming at the very sound of Skype, at the very feel of your cell phone vibrations. Practice will make perfect.

On Being A Sex Expert

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I guess it was inevitable.
You can’t talk as much talk as I talk & write as much write as I write (I posted my own personal erotica on the internet!) without getting a bit of a reputation.

And, I suppose it fits. I suppose it does, in fact, make the most sense to call me a “sex expert”. While I sometimes feel uncomfortable with the connotations of being an  expert at anything at all, I do believe that I do know a little something about doin’ it. And if I don’t know, I’ll try my best to figure it out. I’ll do the research. I’ll try absolutely anything once. Usually twice.

This sex expert reputation – it’s earned me a task or two.

For one, I’m taking over the airwaves. This Saturday November 10th from 6 to 7 you can hear me wax poetic and spill sexy secrets on CKDU‘s Potato Salad Radio Show. You can even call in and ask me for advice, question me your queries. Call CKDU at (902) 494-2487 to talk with me direct, or leave a confidential voicemail at (902) 494-8041.

For two, I am now a certified sex columnist for NSCAD‘s new & improved student paper, CRIT. You can find this pretty printed matter at Halifax’s One Block Barber Shop. Or, you can read my column right here, right now. It’s copy and pasted below. Read on! And follow my advice, pretty please. As I request in the column: “Ask me how to squirt, suck, and slide. Ask me how to rim, rough-house and ride.” All questions can be confidentially emailed to kaleigh at venus envy dot ca. Gimme something to write about.

On Being A Sex Expert

I guess there are some things I should tell you.

I should maybe tell you that I am a wildly inexpert expert.
As a lover, I’ve made all the errors you can make.
I have laughed when I was supposed to have moaned. My bodily orifices have made grossly unattractive noises at grossly inappropriate moments. I have spit when I meant to have swallowed, and bit when I meant to have sucked.

And perhaps I should let you know that I don’t always know what I am doing.
I don’t crawl into bed, or into my back seat, or sneak into bathroom stalls with someone and know exactly what to do with their body. I have read the books and watched the porn, but that doesn’t always translate into practice.

But then again, maybe none of that matters.

Maybe what matters is that I have been working at a feminist sex shop for long enough to know that there is almost never an “expert” expert.

What I know for certain about sex is that almost nothing is certain. I know that all bodies like different things. I know that like snowflakes, each and every single dick is different. Ditto for vulvas. And for all parts, no matter what you call ‘em. I know that lots of different people can and do fuck in lots of different ways, and I know that communicating about sex is really the only way to figure out what is best for you.

And of course, I have had sex. Some really fucking great sex, at that. And I’ve had bad sex too. In my attempts to learn more and more and more, and be a real “expert”, I have made all the mistakes you can possibly make.

So, thems my credentials. I have had some sex, some good, some bad. I work at a rad sex shop, and therefore have access to all sorts of sexual knowledge. Not only can I casually borrow a book on blow jobs on my lunch break, but I can also ask my brilliant and brazen co-workers their advice. Oh, and lastly, I do have this whole blog thing too, called thefuckingfacts.com, where I explore sex even deeper. The Fucking Facts is a place where I can talk sex and politics and facts and fucking all in one go. Check it out.

Anyway, all of that to say: I’m ready. I’m primed. I’ve been warmed up. I’ve been prepped. I’m hot n’ heady, and my fingers are at the keys, just raring to go.

So, write me your questions. Ask me your sex advice. Let this be your bi-monthly column where I can tell you all about finger-fucking & ass-sucking, muff-diving & boner-riding. Or, we can get heavy and I can talk about abortions and break-ups, about mistakes and heart aches. Because that’s a big part of sex too. It can be light, and it can be heavy.

Write your questions and queries to: kaleigh at venusenvy dot ca.
Ask me how to squirt, suck, and slide. Ask me how to rim, rough-house and ride.
I’ll try and answer thoughtfully. I will try to not always rhyme.
Let’s begin a real explicit, real vulgar, and real honest relationship, you and I.
So, write me. Try it. All questions will be considered confidential.

P in the V

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If you have been reading diligently, you may remember that I don’t really consider sex to mean the ol’ traditional P in the V manouveur. Sex can be that, for sure, but it can also be F in the V, P in the B, V on the TH, M on the A, H on the S, and any number of pleasurable and clever acronyms. What I mean is: sex can be whatever, and does not necessarily involve putting a penis in a vagina. It doesn’t even necessarily mean penetration.

However, I do field a lot of questions at work about P in the V type sex. This is probably because many awkward and potentially life altering things can and do arise when a vajay is penetrated by a semen-producing bologna pony. This type of sex can mean multiple orgasms, but it can also mean multiple bladder infections.
So, for the benefit of public interest and safety, and in the hope of alleviating some shame and concerns, I thought I would try and issue some advice and dispel some myths, here & now.
Let’s thrust right into it.

Pussy Farts leavin’ the V: Something that can happen when you’re having penetrative sex is….pussy farts. It’s true. I know it is kind of a disgusting word coupling and a bit of a socially awkward topic of conversation, but it is also a very common experience. It is so common that I wonder why we still talk about it with red cheeks and hushed voices. Pussy farts, or queefs, or varts, are as naturally occurring as hiccups. What happens is this: as the vagina is penetrated air is pushed inside. The air then gets trapped inside the body, because the dick or the hand or the whatever is plugging it in there. As thrusting happens, as “the plug” pulls in and out, the air is released, making a cute little (or sometimes big) fart sound. There is nothing I can really tell you to avoid this happening. You can’t really fuck in some magical way that eliminates this issue. The only resolution is realizing it’s hilarious, and not even worrying about it for a second. For reals. I’m sure you and whomever you’re fucking have heard the sound before, and will hear it again, and you shouldn’t let it inhibit your good time.

Pre-Cum…uh, coming into the V: Pre-cum is so called because it comes out real quick. Ya’ll are just getting going, and bam, a clear, viscous liquid is oozing on out. This is pre-cum, and though it looks a lot like semen, it is chemically different. Often people ask if they can get preggers from pre-cum. Because that shit zips out so quick n’ easy, it is always finding it’s way into problematic places. Well, the answer is still sort of up for debate. Studies show pre-cum does not necessarily have sperm in it, in fact it usually doesn’t. However, if a penis has ejaculated recently there could still be sperm hanging out in the urethra, at which point it could mix in with the pre-cum and exit the body. So, it could maybe knock you up, and if that’s not what you’re looking for then you want to avoid getting this inside of you. And, not only can pre-cum maybe have sperm in it, but it can also contain STIs, such as HIV, gonorrhea, or chlamydia. So, unless you know the status of your partner(s), and if you don’t feel like gettin’ a baby, pre-cum is not something you want in the V.

Broken Condoms getting stuck in the V: Condoms are a great way to avoid getting the aforementioned pre-cum in your vag. However, condoms can sometimes break. This may happen if the condom does not fit properly; was not put on correctly; if it was old or had been weakened by exposure to heat, oil, the sun or other chemicals; or  if there was a lot of friction without much lubrication. If this happens and part of the rubber remains in ya, just reach in and pull it on out. The vagina is a closed cavern, so things can’t get too lost up there. The more problematic part of this situation is that you may have ejaculate in your vagina. This can put you at risk to contracting STIs, and so you should go to your doctor or nearest sexual health clinic and ask for a pap smear and an STI test. (Remember that some STIs can have a 3 to 6 month incubation period, so you might want to go back and get checked out again later.) This can also put you at risk of getting pregnant, and so again, if this is not what you want, you should go to the nearest pharmacy and pick up Plan B, aka The Morning-After-Pill.

UTI’s/Bladder Infections messing up the V: Something else that is about as common as the ol’ aforementioned vart is the bladder infection-induced-by-sex. It is such a fucking bummer. All ya wanna do is bask in that  “I just had great sex!” high, but instead your spending all your time having frequent burning, pees. This is because when you have penetrative sex all the thrusting pushes bacteria that lives in and around your vagina and rectum up into your urethra. There are some things you can do to try and prevent this. Washing your junk before and after sex can help eliminate the possibility of contraction. And sometimes trying different positions can be helpful too. Other helpful daily tips are drinking a lot of water or cranberry juice. Drinking lots of water flushes out your system, and cranberry juice stops some bacteria from living in your bladder. But, if it’s too late and you’re right in the thick of an infection, you may have to drop in on the doc and get anti-biotics.

There is a whole lot more I could say here. A whack of shit, both bad and good, can arise when it comes to your bits. And of course, this has been a pretty cunt heavy advice section, but cocks have their own issues too. There is not getting it up, breaking it, coming too quick, and coming too slow, to name a few. Sex is an endless topic, and I’m not really an expert. If you’re having more P in the V related conundrums, check out the Halifax Sexual Health Centre, or your own local equivalent.