Getting Wet.


wet boob

As a general rule, I try to have sex most Sunday mornings.  I think it is the smartest way to begin my work week. For some folks going to church, confessing their sins, and taking communion puts them on the right foot. For me, I would rather stay in bed, commit multiple sins, and come all over someone. To each their own.

Unfortunately, last Sunday the natural order of things was disrupted. Rather then spending my morning flouting my good, Catholic upbringing I was working. (But then again, I guess my work is not so God-abiding either.) Specifically, last weekend I was working the Everything To Do With Sex Show, a fairly weird sex symposium that travels all around this colonialist nation, selling sex-related wares. My job: teach the people. Teach ’em what? The wonders of wetness. For 30 minutes my co-worker and I stood at the pulpit and expounded the virtues of a quality bottle of lube to all the good people of the world. Now, I’ll do it all for you in simple half-page post. Easy peezy. I’ll break it down for you in terms of what lube goes best with what sex act. I’ll talk vaginal, anal, oral,  solo sex and sex with toys.


Let’s start at the vagina*.

When it comes to putting lube in that hole, there are two things you may want to avoid. The first is glycerin, the second is parabens. Glycerin is added to a lot of lube because it is real slippery. However it is also a sugar, and what does sugar do? It causes yeast to grow. And where does yeast naturally occur? In vaginas. While all vaginas have some yeast hanging out in ’em all of the time, when yeast grows and multiples in there it can often lead to a yeast infection. So, to avoid that whole itchy, sticky, smelly mess, check the ingredients on your lube and avoid glycerin.

Parabens are also often found in lube (and lots of cosmetics), where they act as a preservative. Consuming them in minute quantities is no bigs. There is usually no immediate symptoms or reactions. The thing about parabens is that they are an estrogen-mimicker, which means they act like estrogen in your body. If you consume a whole lot of them and they build up in your body over time, this may or may not lead to breast cancer. I’m sorry to sound so vague on this – I’m no fucking scientist, but from what I can tell, the science is vague either way. Ultimately, the point I’m making is that like most everything in the world parabens may cause cancer, and lubes with parabens in them may be something you want to avoid.

So, going with lubes that do not contain glycerin or parabens may be a wise decision. Choosing an all-natural lube may also be a smart move if you are experiencing irritation. Some quality, all natural lubes are Sliquid or Probe.

Another thing you may wanna try puttin’ in your pussy is a silicone lube. Water-based lubes are more common, but you can find silicone lubes in sex shops and some drug stores. Unlike water-based lubricants which absorb into your skin, silicone lubes last and last and last and last and last. Like seriously. They feel real slick n’ oily and they don’t absorb into your body so a little goes a long way. Silicone is also hypo-allergenic, so most folks don’t have any reaction to them. I really like a silicone lube, but keep in mind they are more pricey and they can stain your sheets. If you wanna try one out, I recommend Pjur or Swiss Navy.

So those are some options for the vagina: a water-based lube without glycerin or parabens, or a silicone lube. But before I move on to the bum, let me first make a very important point:


There is some weird myth abounding that  “real” women get real wet, or if someone is not really wet then they are not really turned on. This is false. While it can be true that vaginas can get wetter the more hot n’ horny someone is, that is not always accurate. Different people produce different amounts of vaginal fluids, and it ain’t no competition. We are not going to collect, measure, and compare the amount of juice we all produce to see whom of us is the sexiest. The truth is, you or your pal may be really into something and may still be sorta dry, or just a little wet, or really super fucking wet but still not wet enough for the kind of penetration ya’ll are about to partake in. So, let the shame go. Adding lube does not indicate you aren’t a serious (and/or a seriously turned on) babe. All it goes to show is that you are in it for the long haul and are totes ready to have a good time.


So, that’s that. Moving south, from the vagina to the butthole.

Anal sex is both a great time, and a great time to use lube.  Unlike the vagina, the anal sphincter does not self-lubricate, so lubing it up is a wise move. Plus, the walls of the anal canal are super thin and can tear easily.  Using lube is a great way to prevent tearing, have safer sex, and ensure a wet, wild, and positive time for all parties involved.

In this instance, using a thick water-based lube is a good idea. Generally the thicker the lube the longer it tends to last, as it absorbs into your skin less quickly. Sliquid Sassy Booty Gel is one of my personal favourites, and not only for it’s name. That shit is seriously thick. But, if that one is not doing it for you, you could also try Maximus, another nice gel-like lubricant.

Silicone is another great option here, as it is mega slick. Its long-lasting power makes it ideal for anal play, seeing as the bum is so absorbant. Where as water-based lubes can all feel different, from thick to thin, stringy to sticky, silicone lubricants really all feel pretty much the same: oily. One is not necessarily better than any other, so going with the brands mentioned above works just dandy.


And from there, I wanna give ya a little quickie about lubing up for oral adventures.

Why would you lube up a penis you are about to blow, a pussy you are about to eat, or whatever? Well, why not? To reiterate: everything is better when it is wetter, and this includes oral. For one thing, oral can lead to penetrative sex, and so lubing that shit up right off the bat starts you off on the good foot. And another thing – I don’t know about ya’ll, but my mouth can get pretty dry when I’m nervous. Sometimes, going down on someone is a nerve-wracking experience and a dry, old mouth ensues.  Rubbing a sandpaper tongue all over a sweet clit or a lovely cock can be weird and hurt-y and not that much fun for either the giver or the receiver. Adding lube really eliminates any possible dry-tongue induced chaffing and makes the act of licking or sucking way easier.

When it comes to oral, water-based or silicone-based lubes work. Silicone may not be something you want to ingest in large quantities, but pouring it on someone’s junk and pouring the bottle directly into your mouth are different things, so don’t sweat it.

Water-based lubes are safe to ingest in small quantities too, especially the natural ones. If you wanted to spice things up here, you could throw in a flavoured water-based lube.When I teach B.J workshops, people talk ALOT about not liking the taste of their pal’s parts. Personally, I’m into that musky odour, but if you just don’t love it and bathing is no remedy, then flavoured lube can do a great masking job. Or, if you’re just not into performing oral, it can make the act more tasty n’ fun. Something to keep in mind here is that lubricants that are flavoured often contain glycerin, because that is what makes them taste so sweet. When shopping for a flavoured lube, try and search out something that uses aspartame or stevia as a sweetener instead of straight-up sugar, to prevent against possible yeast infections. Some options are Hathor Flavours or Sliquid Swirl lubes.


Next, lemme say a lil’ thing about lube for those solo times.

When enjoying some autonomous exploration, lube is a nice thing to bring on your “journey of self-discovery” (actual euphemism I once heard to describe jerkin’ it). If your female-bodied, adding lube is super exciting because even if you aren’t really feeling it initially putting lube on your bod signals to your brain that you are ready to go into the sexy zone. And using lube if your male-bodied is nice because hands and peens* generally don’t get all that wet on their own (unless you have intensely sweaty palms). While foreskins do produce a bit of their own natural lubricant,  it is generally not a whole lot. So, water-based or silicone-based lubes are both totes applicable for masturbating, but in the solo scenario you also have another fun option: oil-based lubricants! Using an oil-based lube with a partner whom you are practicing safe-sex with is a bad plan, as oil breaks down latex and would eat right through that dental dam/condom/glove. So, it is only when your playing on your own (or with a fluid-bonded partner) that you can really test out the staying power of margarine, coconut butter, or olive oil. They even have special oil-based lube especially for these moments, such as this one called Boy Butter. Just a word of precaution though: some folks are into using coconut oil and the like because it is so natural, but do keep in mind that not all bodies can get into it. Oil-based cooking accessories may be great in baked goods but may be irritating to sensitive holes.


And one final thing: there is something you should know when it comes to throwing an inanimate friend (aka a sex toy) into the mix.

Using lubes with toys is fun because a) they don’t produce their own juices, and b) lubricant helps transfer vibrations from a toy to a body, letting you feel all the fun a little better. However, some lubricants and toys do not play nice together. Specifically, it is not the best plan to use a silicone lube with a silicone or a cyberskin toy. While with plastic, glass, or even some jelly vinyl toys silicone can do the trick just dandy,  with a silicone or cyberskin toy the lube will bond to the toy. It becomes impossible to remove, leaving your toy feeling slightly sticky and eventually causing it to break down, leaving funny marks on it and degrading the material. Sticking with a water-based lubes for these types of toys is a safe bet.


So, there you have some basic information. But it is always helpful to talk to someone on staff at your local sex shop for what lube would work best for you. It is always a true thing that all bodies are different and have different wants & needs.


* I used the word “vagina” for ease of clarity. I want to make sure ya’ll know what I’m talking about. But, it is important to note that that may not be what everyone calls their bits. Some folks are not into the word vagina, and would rather call it their cunt or their pussy. Other folks identify as transgendered or genderqueer, and would rather call that part of their bod their front hole, or hole, or something else entirely. It is important to never assume what someone calls their parts, or what pronoun they may use.

*I again used the word peen there for ease of understanding, but please keep in mind that may not be what some folks call it. Some may refer to is as their clit, their bits, or their stuff, for example.

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