On Being A Sex Expert

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I guess it was inevitable.
You can’t talk as much talk as I talk & write as much write as I write (I posted my own personal erotica on the internet!) without getting a bit of a reputation.

And, I suppose it fits. I suppose it does, in fact, make the most sense to call me a “sex expert”. While I sometimes feel uncomfortable with the connotations of being an  expert at anything at all, I do believe that I do know a little something about doin’ it. And if I don’t know, I’ll try my best to figure it out. I’ll do the research. I’ll try absolutely anything once. Usually twice.

This sex expert reputation – it’s earned me a task or two.

For one, I’m taking over the airwaves. This Saturday November 10th from 6 to 7 you can hear me wax poetic and spill sexy secrets on CKDU‘s Potato Salad Radio Show. You can even call in and ask me for advice, question me your queries. Call CKDU at (902) 494-2487 to talk with me direct, or leave a confidential voicemail at (902) 494-8041.

For two, I am now a certified sex columnist for NSCAD‘s new & improved student paper, CRIT. You can find this pretty printed matter at Halifax’s One Block Barber Shop. Or, you can read my column right here, right now. It’s copy and pasted below. Read on! And follow my advice, pretty please. As I request in the column: “Ask me how to squirt, suck, and slide. Ask me how to rim, rough-house and ride.” All questions can be confidentially emailed to kaleigh at venus envy dot ca. Gimme something to write about.

On Being A Sex Expert

I guess there are some things I should tell you.

I should maybe tell you that I am a wildly inexpert expert.
As a lover, I’ve made all the errors you can make.
I have laughed when I was supposed to have moaned. My bodily orifices have made grossly unattractive noises at grossly inappropriate moments. I have spit when I meant to have swallowed, and bit when I meant to have sucked.

And perhaps I should let you know that I don’t always know what I am doing.
I don’t crawl into bed, or into my back seat, or sneak into bathroom stalls with someone and know exactly what to do with their body. I have read the books and watched the porn, but that doesn’t always translate into practice.

But then again, maybe none of that matters.

Maybe what matters is that I have been working at a feminist sex shop for long enough to know that there is almost never an “expert” expert.

What I know for certain about sex is that almost nothing is certain. I know that all bodies like different things. I know that like snowflakes, each and every single dick is different. Ditto for vulvas. And for all parts, no matter what you call ‘em. I know that lots of different people can and do fuck in lots of different ways, and I know that communicating about sex is really the only way to figure out what is best for you.

And of course, I have had sex. Some really fucking great sex, at that. And I’ve had bad sex too. In my attempts to learn more and more and more, and be a real “expert”, I have made all the mistakes you can possibly make.

So, thems my credentials. I have had some sex, some good, some bad. I work at a rad sex shop, and therefore have access to all sorts of sexual knowledge. Not only can I casually borrow a book on blow jobs on my lunch break, but I can also ask my brilliant and brazen co-workers their advice. Oh, and lastly, I do have this whole blog thing too, called thefuckingfacts.com, where I explore sex even deeper. The Fucking Facts is a place where I can talk sex and politics and facts and fucking all in one go. Check it out.

Anyway, all of that to say: I’m ready. I’m primed. I’ve been warmed up. I’ve been prepped. I’m hot n’ heady, and my fingers are at the keys, just raring to go.

So, write me your questions. Ask me your sex advice. Let this be your bi-monthly column where I can tell you all about finger-fucking & ass-sucking, muff-diving & boner-riding. Or, we can get heavy and I can talk about abortions and break-ups, about mistakes and heart aches. Because that’s a big part of sex too. It can be light, and it can be heavy.

Write your questions and queries to: kaleigh at venusenvy dot ca.
Ask me how to squirt, suck, and slide. Ask me how to rim, rough-house and ride.
I’ll try and answer thoughtfully. I will try to not always rhyme.
Let’s begin a real explicit, real vulgar, and real honest relationship, you and I.
So, write me. Try it. All questions will be considered confidential.

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