Let’s Get Intimate

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Recently, a friend asked me how to talk dirty.
He was worried he was doing it wrong.
Apparently his lines “I want to be intimate with you”, and “Come away with me” had not effectively inspired lust and wet pussy.

Now, I am not much of a dirty talkin’ expert. I find sex so distracting that anything that comes out of my mouth ends up sounding incomprehensible. Some of the noises I’ve made have legitimately been mistaken for those of a trapped raccoon…which might actually be even less erotic than using the word “intimate” during sex. So, maybe my friend and I both need some help here.

But, because I have this blog & this job at a sex shop, I think I may have enough general sex knowledge to hazard some educated pointers on slurrin’ sex talk outta yer hot little word hole.

So, to begin:

I think talking dirty is difficult because it can be hard to take yourself seriously enough to say “I want to ride your cock and make you mine.” It’s hard to imagine yourself as sexy or wild enough to say those kinds of things sometimes, because maybe you are actually just feeling tired, or silly or nervous. Or maybe you are worried that the person you’re fucking won’t be into it. Or maybe the situation just isn’t that hot and you don’t feel like growling into someone’s ear that you’re going to pin them down, crawl on top of them, and sit on their face. Maybe the situation is more goofy, and you just want to giggle together and not talk smut, which is pretty fun too. Or maybe it’s more romantic and you just want to look into someone’s eyes and not say anything at all, which is another totally valid way of doin’ it.

But, despite being scary, talking dirty can be fun because it allows you control. To say what you want to do to someone and/or what you want them to do to you is a really brave and powerful move to make. It shows that you know what you want. It shows that you aren’t afraid to say it. It shows that you have the self-confidence to ask for it and know that you deserve it. And, it’s a major fucking turn on!

So, if you have been finding yourself in spaces n’ places n’ hot situa-tions where you wanna ooze filthy fuck words into someone’s ear, and you’re pretty sure that person wants you to (i.e you are already involved with this person in some sexy way, and it isn’t just a hot stranger on the street), here are some how-to’s to keep stored away on the tip of your tongue.

1. Take yourself seriously. You may know that you are nervous and silly and unsure, but your lover doesn’t necessarily know that. Fake it ’til ya make is some of the best sex advice I have ever been given. Don’t imagine yourself as too shy, or too sweet or too funny to say dirty things. You are about to have sex! Sex is hot & so are you! You can say hot things about it! And the more you say, the easier it’ll get.

2. Give orders. This is a great thing to do because a) being told what to do is so sexy, and b) it allows you to take total control of the situation. If you are feeling really nervous and unsure about what to do or how to touch someone, you can say something like “I want you to undo my pants, push me down against the floor, and ride me, hard.” Saying that removes from you the responsibility of figuring out what to do with their body, and lets them know that you’re really into them. Or, you can say something like “I want to make you come all over my tits, and I want you to tell me exactly how to do it.” That way, you can let them know you want to get ’em off, and can be told exactly how to do it without revealing your uncertainty.

3. Try out some of the following words. As I mentioned, I tend to stick to weird animal noises, but I do know some really, really babely people, and I questioned each of them about their preferred bedroom vernacular. The results:  cunt, pussy, wet, hot, hole, fuck, own, ride, cock, suck, mouth, slip, push, hard, swollen, more, dick, fingers, fist, ass, tits, teeth, lips, tongue, sweat, bite, eat, taste, smooth, come, fast, control, wild, now, sweet.

4. Write it in a letter. “Write it in a letter” is just the more romantic way of saying sext that shit. (“Sexting” is such an annoying word.) Really, what I am trying to say is that trying to say things can be difficult. Jammin’ ’em out with yer thumbs on yer phone can be a whole lot easier. Or, breezing things outta your fingertips, onto your screen, and sending them in an email can be way less intimidating. Starting out less personally, by using phones, or emails or even pen & paper, is totally valid and will perhaps inspire more talk later, when you and your lover(s) are both more comfortable.

5. And finally, gauge their response. The great thing about talking is that generally, once you start talking someone will talk back to you. Basic rule of communication, right? So, say something dirty. Start out slow n’ easy and see how they respond. Are they excited? Do they give you directions, or follow your directions or speak smutty back? Work with what they give you, pay attention to their response and hopefully your foray into independent amatory articulations will result in an erotic exchange.

And, if you still need a lil’ bit of inspiration, check out these incredible lyrics from the most rad, most glam, best queer-core band Eekum Seekum and their song “Hand Pies”:

“bodies that come, bodies that gush
when they’re fucked so good
in the ass or in the cunt
in the back, in the front
when they rub + they hump
when they moan + they grunt
talk to me sweet thing
come on tell me what you want!

sit on my face & rock your hips
I want it all against my lips
drag your nails hard down my back
& put my hands under your ass

limp wrists, raised fists
fuck queer to resist
limp wrists, raised fists
queer bodies resist”

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