Sex Toys- NBD

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By now, after three years of working in a sex shop, I am completely normalized to the presence of sex toys. They are all over my life, and I forget that that could even possibly make someone uncomfortable. I pull vibrators outta my purse while I’m looking for a pen; I leave dildos on my kitchen table. It don’t mean a thing.

But, there are moments when I realize that not everyone carries dicks around in a bag with ‘em.
When people come into the shop giggling uncomfortably, clutching their friends, and whispering to one another their uncertainties.

I get it. I can remember my first time walking into the store I now work at. I was terrified. I was the one clutching my friend, fiddling with my hair. Too nervous to even ask questions, I grabbed the first vibrator I saw- a bulbous, pink, hunk of plastic that then sat in my underwear drawer for 2 years, unused.

Sex toys can be nerve-wracking.  How the fuck is one supposed to know what’s gonna feel good? It’s a bit of a gamble, and that’s a hard question to ask.

But, sex toys can also be a whole lot of fun, and are worth a try for everyone, whether your 19 and have never had an orgasm, 85 and want to start having orgasms again, or even if you’re a 45-year-old-orgasm-machine  and just want to try something new. Because, as exciting as it is a lot of the time, even sex can get boring. Vibrating eggs, silicone cocks, or whatever, can really spice things up.

So, here are some hot tips for you.
I’m’a break down some basic sex toy categories.
I encourage you to read this, wander into your local sex shop, and grab a little somethin’ somethin’.

Vibrators:  vibrators are exactly what they sound like- things that vibrate. They can be made hard or soft, big or small, powerful or subtle, phallic or egg-like. You can put ‘em against your clit; inside your vagina; in your bum (if they meet the aforementioned requirements!) ; against your scrotum, perineum, penis; or in your ear if that’s your thing. Whatever! They can be expensive or inexpensive, battery powered or electric.  They are all a pretty good time, in my humble opinion, but, if you haven’t used one before I recommend starting cheap. Buy something that is versatile (is big enough to be used internally or externally), has a range of speeds, and doesn’t cost a pretty penny. Then you can just try it out to see if you even like the feel of vibrations. Here is a great starter. Then say you find out that, hot damn, this is fer sure the thing for you, you could invest in a better quality, more durable, longer lasting type thing. Like this one. Lelo is what I call the Mac of vibrators. So sleek!!!!

Dildos: dildos are penetrative objects. The point is to put ’em in a hole. They most often don’t vibrate. Like vibrators, they can be a plethora of materials, sizes, shapes, and colours. When choosing one, the thing to consider is what size works for your body.  Everyone is different. Another thing to keep in mind is the material. Silicone is really the best option because a silicone dildo can be sterilized by boiling it in a pot of water for 2-5 minutes. This way you can share your toys if you wanna, and keep ‘em real clean too!

Butt Toys: butt toys are, obviously, things to put in your bum. This could mean a dildo, as mentioned above. Or it could mean anal beads, which are a string of beads graduating in size. These are fun because when the beads are removed, they cause your anal sphincters to contract, which can feel pretty nice. Or a butt toy could be a plug. Butt plug’s are meant to rest inside your bum and create a feeling of fullness. When starting out with butt toys, I recommend a nice small plug as a primer, like this one. And here again, silicone is a nice way to go.

Penis Toys: Sex toys are not just for vulvas! Who started this rumor? There are a lot of fun things out there to please a peen. Cock rings are one option. Cock rings are meant to be worn at the base of the penis, either around the testicles or not. They work to stem blood flow out of the penis, which keeps it hard for longer, and makes the whole thing feel more sensitive to touch. Cock rings can also vibrate, which can feel pretty good. Another thing for penises is masturbator sleeves! These are texturized tubes meant to add some extra ribbing that a hand just can’t provide. They can be large, faux-vulva’s, like the infamous Fleshlight,or small non-descript sleeves like the adorable Tenga Eggs.

Kinky Toys: a wide range of toys fall into the kink category. It’s a subject so broad and exciting that it’s worth a whole post of its own. But, to just give you a tantalizing teaser, kinky toys can be bondage accessories, like this super sweet bondage tape or these mega sexy cuffs; sensory toys, like the Wartenberg wheel or feathers; and so many other power play accessories, such as floggers, gags, n’ collars.

These are just some basics. The best way to figure out more, and to figure out what’cha like, is to try it out.

Coming All Over You.

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I recently went to a public lecture about sex.
Four different people stood in front of a crowded room and told raunchy accounts of their sexual misadventures.
It was…titillating, for one. For two, it was pretty fucking offensive.
I like talking about sex. Obviously.
I like talking about sex in a way that is vulgar and explicit and raunchy, but is also inclusive and fun.
However, some people talk about it in a way that is hurtful and cruel and sexist and oppressive.
Unfortunately, this public lecture featured the latter.

I listened to some dude tell a story about dominating a woman (which is such a potentially hot topic!).
I listened to him spew his fat-phobic bullshit all over the room, listened to him shame a woman’s body for not conforming to traditional standards of beauty, and listened to him scoff at the fine art of female ejaculation. The guy didn’t even believe it existed. He was convinced that this hot babe who had the misfortune of fucking him was pissing all over him.

It was all a bit too much.

And so, I believe a public service announcement is in order.

I hope that you know the reasons why hating on beautiful, round bods is fucking disgusting, sizeist and limiting to your own possible enjoyment of life, sex, and the human body. I’m not even gonna start to break that down for you. If you don’t get it, check out this great blog called glitter politic.

But, you may not know as much about female ejaculate.
And, that bit is kinda my jam.
I’m not a person with a sexy fat body, but I am a person who spends a lot of time talking about fancy finger-bangin’ and the sweetness of squirting.

So, here are some things you should know, in case like the lecturer mentioned above, you have been seriously misinformed and have mistakenly labelled that gorgeous gush as nothin’ but the magic of myths.

  1. People with pussies can ejaculate. It’s true. This ejaculate is produced in the Skene’s glands, and when it is released it exits the body through the urethra.  This ‘release’  can accompany orgasm, or not. The two are not always linked- a person can come without coming, and can come when they are coming, if y’know what I mean. This ejaculate has a low viscosity, is clear, and there can be a lot (up to 2 cups!) or alittle of it.
  2. When the aforementioned release happens, it is typically a result of some serious G-Spot stimulation. The G-spot, or the Grafenberg Spot, is located just inside the vaginal opening on the anterior wall. To find it, get pretty hot n’ horny (because then the G-Spot swells), stick a finger in, and curl it up in the classic ‘come-hither’ hand gesture. The G-Spot should feel like a rough, dime-sized area, kind of comparable to the top of your mouth. Many say that pressing on it produces an enjoyable, deep, achy feeling, and can lead to a G-Spot orgasm. This pressure can also force ejaculate out of the Skene’s gland, through the urethra, and all over your hot little hand. If you’re trying to make this happen for yourself, be warned- this takes time, and carpal tunnel may ensue. A handy helper is a cute little toy called the Mini G.
  3. It may look like pee but it isn’t. It might even feel like you have to pee, but don’t worry, you won’t. Or maybe you will, so it’s best to empty your bladder before you start fucking. Because the feeling that a person gets before they come often feels like the feeling of needing to pee, these two things are often mistakenly conflated. But, ejaculate and urine are totally different. Scientists have proven that shit. They come outta the same hole, they look kind of alike, but they aren’t. If you really wanna make sure, taste and smell it, why don’t’cha?

That’s just some basics.
For more information on the sweetness of squirtin’, check out-
this slightly cheesy, hetero-normative,  yet informative website:  Holistic Wisdom
and this book: ‘The Secret of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation’ by Tristan Taormino
and this class: ‘The Big O!’ at Venus Envy