Fucking: A Working Definition

Standard

“Did you do it?”
“Did you fuck?”

I have been asked, and asked, some variation of this question so many times.
It always comes up.
We go to parties and we end up going home with others.
We stay out all night and find ourselves walking down strange streets in the early morning hours.
And so this is the hot question, right?
Where were you, who were you with, what were you doing, were you fucking?
But lately, I’ve been wondering, what is fucking anyway?

The internet writes:

“In its most literal meaning, it refers to the act of sexual intercourse. By extension, it may be used to negatively categorize anything that may be dismissed, disdained, defiled or destroyed.” (yikes! As if dismissed and disdained are ‘extensions’ of sexual intercourse!)

To expand on this, the given definition for ‘sexual intercourse‘ reads as follows:

“commonly refers to the act in which a male’s penis enters a woman’s vagina for the purpose of sexual pleasure or reproduction. The term may also describe other sexual penetrative acts…which can be practiced by both heterosexual and homosexual pairings.”

While I sort of appreciate the shout out to queer folks, this definition leaves me wanting so much more.
For instance:
What if I didn’t come? What if he didn’t either? What if his penis was only in my vagina for like, a second?
What if someone used their hands rather than their genitals to get someone else off? What if there were four people involved? What if there was only one person involved?

See, the way that we think about and define sex is so grossly limiting.
Why does it have to be about a pair?
Why does it always seem to involve some sort of penetration?
Why does it have to be about genitals even?

In having such a narrow definition, all we are doing is putting restrictions on our ideas about pleasure, about what sorts of things we can do with our bodies, and about who has the right to feel good and how.

And so, when I write about, and think about, and talk about fucking, what I am writing about is not penises and vaginas, or penetration, or even orgasms.

Fucking, I believe, is an act, and I mean any act, which can be performed alone or consensually with one or more partners, with the ultimate aim of giving and receiving pleasure.

Fucking can mean being stretched out naked on the bed with someone else’s hand in your vagina.
Fucking can mean rubbing your elbows against the elbows of someone you love deeply.
Fucking can mean anal sex.
Fucking can mean blow jobs.
Fucking can mean masturbating.
Fucking can mean kissing one another’s necks.
Fucking can mean rubbing your nose against someone else’s inner thigh.
Fucking can mean lying still and breathing deeply and thinking about your body.
The point is that fucking should be about feeling bodily pleasure.
It should not be about the pressure to orgasm, to make someone else orgasm, to have a partner, or to look hot.

If we think about it like that, we can include all kinds of people, with all kinds of sexualities, and bodies, and abilities. And that can really only be a good thing.

8 thoughts on “Fucking: A Working Definition

  1. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had came shortly after I lost my erection. My partner was a bit thrown: “Now what?” kind of thing. It was all I could do not to be embarrassed, and somehow, I managed to respond with “whatever comes naturally” and sure enough enough came, and quite naturally. Sex is good when the pressure’s on and when the pressure’s off.

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