Suck on This: Some Thoughts on the Blow Job


A big part of my job working at a sex-positive, education-based sex shop is talking about blow jobs.
Once a month, I talk to a room full of people about how to suck a cock.

This has it’s pros n’ cons.

The good: I am stoked that people want to learn about sex, in all its forms. The best way to have the best sex is to talk about it openly and without shame.
And this is exactly what I am trying to do when I blow a dildo in front of a crowd: promote shamelessness.

The bad: While it is exciting that there are loads of people wanting to learn about the ol’ B.J, it’s a bit of a bummer that that seems to be the only sex act that anyone is interested in talking about. The sex shop at which I work offers a variety of classes about a variety of things, from pregnant sex to cunnilingus. And yet nobody is lining up to hear about the best way to eat pussy.

So, one could be led to believe either one of two things:

a)    pussy-pleasin’ is real easy, so easy that no one needs schoolin’; or
b)    blow jobs are the most difficult of sex acts, requiring years of devoted research and study.

But, I actually don’t buy either of these theories.
Here’s what I think is going on.

First, let me say that anyone can give (or receive) a blowjob, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Trans folks, women, men, straight people, gay people- they can all perform B.J’s if they wanna, and if the person/people with the dick(s) wants ‘em to. But, when I teach a blow job workshop, the audience is most often comprised of heterosexual, cisgendered women.

And so, considering the audience, I think that the problem with blow jobs is not that they are hard to give, but that the women giving them don’t feel confident in their blow job-giving skills.

Why not? Why is it that a person can use their mouth to enjoyably suck on all sorts of shit, from thumbs to popsicles, but then can feel so uncomfortable when that shit is actually a dick?

Well, there are a lot of very valid reasons for this. For instance:

  1.  because we live in a world where we see sex way more often than we talk about it, and so the practicalities of it, like exactly how to do it, get lost in the sea of skinny white people we see fucking on t.v;
  2. because we live in a world where women are taught to feel ashamed of our bodies and our sexuality, and yet to simultaneously know how to wield ’em, making the acts of fucking, sucking, etc. pretty damn complicated and nerve-racking;
  3. and lastly, because we live in a world where rape and sexual assault happen to women, so sometimes the idea of making oneself totally vulnerable and getting on one’s knees just to please someone else is just downright scary.

Only to name a few.
From being a survivor of sexual assault, to having been told that they aren’t good enough, there are many very good reasons why a woman may feel uncertain or nervous about blow jobs. The explanations are plentiful, and I couldn’t even begin to list and address them all here, let alone mitigate them.

But, there are at least two helpful things I will say that a person should know.
And so, at the risk of making my workshop obsolete, if you really want to give someone great head,
but the thought of it makes your mouth dry up with anxiety, then you just GOTTA KNOW:

1-      You are hot as shit.
Seriously. It’s a fucking fact. You are a Bonafide Mega Babe, and you know what you are doing.
I think part of why blow jobs can be so intimidating is that when faced with a throbbing, unfamiliar, and totally upright body part we go doubting our skills and serious  sexual prowess. But this person who you’re about to give head to? They know that you’re hot as shit, and they just want to do hot, fun things with you in a way that turns you on, not in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

And how do I know this?
I don’t, but you should. That’s number two:

2-      Talk to them.
You should be able to know that the person you’re blowing thinks you’re hot. I am not saying that blow jobs are all about love and commitment and knowing someone’s heart n’ soul.  Definitely, definitely not.  But I do believe that if you’re putting someone’s dick in your mouth, you should at least feel certain that they want you to, and that they want you to feel comfortable, and that they think you’re hot. And, if you can communicate with them enough to find out this much, then it isn’t that much of a stretch to throw in a little bit of practical questions.
Because if you really want to know how to touch someone in a way that’s gonna get them off, asking me isn’t going to help you out all that much. No two penises are the same, nor do they like the same things. I can’t guarantee that everyone is going to like a soft blow job, a hard blow job, a wet blow job, or a fast blow job. Everyone’s different.
So, talk to them! Ask them! A simple “Baby I wanna suck your cock just right. Does that feel good?”  is a good place to start. “Fuck my mouth just like you wanna” is another suggestion. Asking questions to get a little guidance is totally reasonable, and can be totally hot.

That’s two fucking facts.
I could tell you so much more: the sweetness of saliva, the merit of moaning, the deal with deep throating…but that’s a whole other sorta post.


Fucking: A Working Definition


“Did you do it?”
“Did you fuck?”

I have been asked, and asked, some variation of this question so many times.
It always comes up.
We go to parties and we end up going home with others.
We stay out all night and find ourselves walking down strange streets in the early morning hours.
And so this is the hot question, right?
Where were you, who were you with, what were you doing, were you fucking?
But lately, I’ve been wondering, what is fucking anyway?

The internet writes:

“In its most literal meaning, it refers to the act of sexual intercourse. By extension, it may be used to negatively categorize anything that may be dismissed, disdained, defiled or destroyed.” (yikes! As if dismissed and disdained are ‘extensions’ of sexual intercourse!)

To expand on this, the given definition for ‘sexual intercourse‘ reads as follows:

“commonly refers to the act in which a male’s penis enters a woman’s vagina for the purpose of sexual pleasure or reproduction. The term may also describe other sexual penetrative acts…which can be practiced by both heterosexual and homosexual pairings.”

While I sort of appreciate the shout out to queer folks, this definition leaves me wanting so much more.
For instance:
What if I didn’t come? What if he didn’t either? What if his penis was only in my vagina for like, a second?
What if someone used their hands rather than their genitals to get someone else off? What if there were four people involved? What if there was only one person involved?

See, the way that we think about and define sex is so grossly limiting.
Why does it have to be about a pair?
Why does it always seem to involve some sort of penetration?
Why does it have to be about genitals even?

In having such a narrow definition, all we are doing is putting restrictions on our ideas about pleasure, about what sorts of things we can do with our bodies, and about who has the right to feel good and how.

And so, when I write about, and think about, and talk about fucking, what I am writing about is not penises and vaginas, or penetration, or even orgasms.

Fucking, I believe, is an act, and I mean any act, which can be performed alone or consensually with one or more partners, with the ultimate aim of giving and receiving pleasure.

Fucking can mean being stretched out naked on the bed with someone else’s hand in your vagina.
Fucking can mean rubbing your elbows against the elbows of someone you love deeply.
Fucking can mean anal sex.
Fucking can mean blow jobs.
Fucking can mean masturbating.
Fucking can mean kissing one another’s necks.
Fucking can mean rubbing your nose against someone else’s inner thigh.
Fucking can mean lying still and breathing deeply and thinking about your body.
The point is that fucking should be about feeling bodily pleasure.
It should not be about the pressure to orgasm, to make someone else orgasm, to have a partner, or to look hot.

If we think about it like that, we can include all kinds of people, with all kinds of sexualities, and bodies, and abilities. And that can really only be a good thing.