Shove It Up Your Ass


Ok, maybe ‘shove’ isn’t exactly the verb I’m looking for.
Why don’t you gently insert it up your ass, or place it up your ass, or even nestle it softly into your ass.
Either way, I think that you, I, and everyone we know, should try putting stuff into our bum holes.

Butt play is kind of like the new little black dress, the new martini, or even today’s Beatles. People are going wild for it.

And why shouldn’t they? History has proven that in general, sticking things into our bodily orifices is a pretty good time. Consider vaginas, nostrils, and ear drums.
It all feels pretty good, right?

So, the current trend of fitting things into our butts is, well, fitting.

But, there are definitely some ground rules that need to be followed in exploring this particular hole.
Just because we can fit things in there, and it may feel nice, doesn’t mean we should start treating our butts like storage units.
There are a few steps that are pretty crucial in ensuring a good time.

So, in all of our best interests, I am going to lay them down here.

1.   Start Small!
Maybe this rule seems obvious.
Perhaps one would intuitively not initially put something the size of an English Cucumber into their bum.
But, if you weren’t sure, don’t start that way. The bum hole is a sphincter that can expand to cucumber-like sizes, but it appreciates being eased into it.
Starting with your pointer or even pinky finger is a good idea (in which instance, you may want to wear a latex glove to limit any tearing and/or spread of sexually transmitted infections). If you’re experimenting solo and getting into the position where you can both get yourself off and simultaneously have one finger shoved up your butt sounds daunting, you can buy a butt plug at your local sex shop for roughly $20.

2. That English Cucumber is a poor choice not only on account of it’s size. The second rule: only put things up your butt that have a base!
Unlike vaginas, the rectum is not a closed cavern. It’s a long tube that connects to the rest of your intestinal organs. So, if something slips up there, fishing it out can prove pretty difficult. Plus, the butt is a bit of a vacuum. I wouldn’t compare it to a Dustbuster or anything, but if things get all slippery down there, some sucking up can happen. So, if you are going to put something in, make sure it has a flared base to limit it’s slip-ability. Otherwise, an uncomfortable ER visit is quite probably in your future.

3. Get a little wet.
Or actually, a lot wet.
Again unlike vaginas, the bum does not produce it’s own lubricant. It’s a pretty dry hole. And who wants to stick something in a dry hole? So use lube, lube, lube. The slipperier the better. I recommend a silicone lube, like Pjur, or a thick water-based lube, like Sliquid.

And lastly, this is not a rule, but more of a reassurance I have for you:

4.  You’re probably not going to find poop.
I say probably because you may; it is possible. But, it is not all that likely.
The rectum may be a bit of a vacuum, but it is not a resting place. Poo is created in your digestive tract and then, unless you’re constipated, moves through your rectum and out. It does not want to stay in there.
So, it is not entirely likely that you’re gonna find it in there. You don’t gotta sweat it.

There you have it. Some basic fucking facts about your butt and what can go in it.